This has been the thoughest week in a long time.
Last Sunday I found out by chance that C was chatting with someone on the internet. He tried desperately to hide it and this significant attitude from him told me that something was going wrong.
I've been having this feeling for a while, but I made a lot of efforts not to let these negative thoughts gain me. I am 7 months pregnant now and I just wanted to focus on my baby and take care of him and myself.
But when I saw C being so pathetic, switching off his pc in desperation, I knew I had enough.
After a couple of days of misery I asked him to seat down and discuss what was happening but when I tried to start a conversation, he just showed no interest at all and he avoided me. So finally, and being unable of bearing more pain, I decided to write him a letter.
This is more or less what I wrote to him:
It is very difficult to discuss something with someone who does not look at you when you are talking and who obviously shows no interest in having a conversation. And this is what I sensed last night, I don’t think that I put you off, I just think that you don’t want to listen what I have to say.
It is difficult enough for me to express it and you do not make it easy either. So if I put it down in paper, I will say it in one go, and you can read it whenever you have the time.
I just want to be open and talk frankly and have to be able to express what I need/want/think/feel, and if I can not do it with you, with whom I am expected to do it? This is what I always wanted for us. And this is also what it is missing in our relationship at the moment.
So the conversation that it was not possible to have with you face to face, goes on paper.
As I said last night, I sense you’ve been hiding things from me, I’ve been feeling it for a while. When I saw you last Sunday trying to hide your screen I realised it was not only a sensation but a fact. And I also thought that if you have the necessity to have “secrets”, then something is very wrong. Last night you denied it but the problem is that I saw it, it was in front of my eyes, and as you know someone before almost succeed in making me believe that what I was seeing was unreal, and for a while I thought he was true and I was becoming mad. But time proved that I was not mad. So now, I follow my instincts.
You said that if I feel like this it is ME who has a problem. I think it is US. Just that I didn’t want to deal with it right now it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. I didn’t want to think about it because I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy and try to be positive for my baby and for all what we have ahead. But the sadness and the misery have been accumulating and finally the burden is too heavy and I can not cope with more.
If you have been thinking of having affairs I can not stop you. It’s your decision and it depends on you. I asked you for honesty, this is probably the word that I repeated most since we met and my only condition. Nothing else. If you think you have the right to cheat on me, you are in the wrong relationship.
You need to know what you want from me and so do I.
You have an addiction that is controlling your life. On one hand you say you miss our time on our own but when we are on our own you spend those hours in front of a pc like last Sunday.
I really feel that I have been replaced. You can not imagine how painful is to know that you are always searching, that you are always trying to find other women, that you are masturbating with them, looking at them. There’s so much lack of intimacy between us. I thought that maybe is because of my pregnancy. And I can understand that, although this was already happening before I got pregnant. Seems that I have nothing exciting to offer, why should you be attracted to me? Apart from the fact that the pregnancy was a decision we took together and that I am suppose to be the woman you love. Ok, well maybe you find sex with me very disappointing after all that sex online.
Probably you are thinking it is all about the sex issue, so we make love or we have sex from time to time, and with that you believe you pacify me. But it is not, it is not about the physical intimacy, or not only that, it is about the emotional intimacy as well. It came a point where I am in such a turmoil that I can not stop wondering if when we make love you are fantasising over other women, if you are 100% with me. Are you emotionally with me? And so much tension makes me cry, can’t help it, just for you to know why I cry, you can give me so much pleasure but I can feel so much pain at the same time, how can this be a healthy, enjoyable situation? It is so insane.
If I am not the person, the woman you’ve expected me to be, if I am not good enough for you, then I am sorry if I’ve disappointed you. You don’t ask, you don’t say what you want, you don’t express what you need, but if you have to look at other women is because you are not satisfied with our relationship or with what I have to offer you.
I feel miserable, I am very upset and now I can not deal with so much pain. But I still prefer the truth, whatever it is. I would do anything to change this situation because I am committed to you and to our relationship and because I love you so much. But I can not force you to love me. Many times you say that in a relationship, after some time it is not possible to feel the same passion as you can feel at the beginning. And I think how sad it is to feel like that. Because I do really feel the same passion as the first day, I’ve been learning to love you more each day though. Anyway, maybe I am a freak after all.
C, I need to know what is happening and I need you to be honest and I do need to recover my peace.
I love you.