... was born last 16th November, 5:15 am.
I was only 35 weeks pregnant.
I woke up in the middle of the night and the moment I was leaving the bed, I broke the waters.
I said to C that it was time to go.
He was going on a trip to the country with his school kids that same morning and he thought I was asking him to get up and get ready.
So I said to him again: "it is time to go... to the Hospital".
It was 3:45 am. I phoned my doctor before leaving the house. He is the same doctor who assisted me in the deliverance of my two previous kids.
Fortunately there was no traffic at all as we didn't stop at the lights.
As soon as I arrived a doctor and a nurse checked me: 5 cm dilation already.
They gave me a room where I was suppose to start with the labour period. I was there for about 20 minutes, as soon as my doctor arrived he realized that I was ready. I remember having only 5, maybe 6 strong contractions before they took me to the deliverance room.
Our baby was born after the third push.
C was with me all the time, supporting me and enjoying his first experience as a father.
The delivery was beautiful and so enjoyable.
Needless to say, I fell in love with my baby as soon as I saw him. And I fell in love with his father all over again when I saw him holding our Angel.
He had a hard start as he was born too early and his lungs were not mature enough. So initially, he had breathing difficulties and due to that, he had to be assisted with oxygen.
We stayed in Hospital for nearly a week and I couldn't breast feed him properly until the fourth day. Fortunatelly, he is a healthy and strong baby and his weight was so good (even when he was born more than a month earlier) that, after a week of proper cares, he could overcome these difficulties succesfully.
He is a beautiful boy. Of course, every parent think their baby is the most beautiful creature in this world. But, what can I say? My baby is beautiful. He is like a little C. With very light hair, very blue eyes and that beautiful tiny mouth.
Now, every night before going to bed, I contemplate my three sleeping kids and it brings tears to my eyes to see how beautiful they are.
I am so lucky... and so grateful.
PS: As you can imagine life is busy. In adition to that, I have no much access to internet at home as C is not very happy when I use his pc (for the obvious reasons you may be thinking about). He leans over my shoulder when I write and I am not comfortable with this, even when I don't pretend to hide this blog to him. So sorry again for the delay in posting. Hope you could understand. x
Friday, December 15, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
A month after
Today is a month after my last post.
It was a difficult month filled with mixed emotions.
Probably due to all the tension I was putting off, I felt very stressed, very tired, and started to experience frequent and strong contractions. This only added a lot more anxiety, as for a while, I felt my baby could be born earlier than the date he is expected. And I knew it was all due to all the misery I was passing through lately.
When I visited the doctor he said that I should rest, be relax and stop putting pressures on me (easier to say than done!), so he "forced" me to take a week off the office. I worked hard on focusing on positive things, I've been busy preparing things for the baby and tried to enjoy these last weeks of my pregnancy (as it probably will be my last pregnancy as well).
I forced myself to stop being so analitical about everything. At the moment, my baby and his health, is more important than anything else and he deserves all my attention.
Undoubtelly, there are some things that my husband and I need to work on, and I surely will insist on doing that and on improving our relationship. Some time ago he commented to a friend that "we have our tough moments but we also have a pretty healthy and strong relationship". And I am content that he sees ourselves like that because I do feel the same. However, my sensation at the moment is that this "healthy and strong relationship" is calling for attention.
Sending that long and painful letter to him was my strong decision to state very clear for him that I was very dissapointed with the last events and that I deserved to express myself, even when what I had to say was not very nice. He had no choice but to acknowledge that.
I expected some kind of reaction from him but I got no reply.
For the next couple of days, we made love, I cried, we made love, I cried again.
On the third day, I got an email from him:
"you need to know that I love you
x
C
X
it bothers me that you think I may not "
I insisted.
I said to him that I need him to talk to me. I told him that I need to know what his needs are, what he wants from me, what he wants about our relationship... he replied: "Neither of us are perfect, but I couldn't want for a better partner."
He kept on saying that he feels very frustrated, and trapped, not by me, but by being unable to meet friends and visit family, and again this painful issue of inadequacy with the place where he lives. I have always been aware of this, and I try to do my best to make his life a better one, to support him and to let him know how much I care. However, is this a valid excuse for his attitude?
There was also another issue that embarassed me a lot. I am suspicious that he asked his sister in the UK to conceal him.
The fact that his sister was in the middle made me feel ashamed. I was partly guilty of this situation: one morning I was very upset and C's nephew appeared on my Messenger. We chat very often and we get on very well. He is a very mature and clever guy and I told him, without giving too many details, that I was having a tough moment with C.
As usual, that evening, I commented to C that I had met his nephew and I also told him that I had found some comfort talking to him about how sad I was feeling. So C knew.
The morning after, his sister talked to me and assured me it was with her that C was chatting when I saw him hiding the conversation.
For several reasons I didn't believe her:
- Firstly we have a 4 hours difference with the UK. That Sunday night, it was 10ish at home, so in the UK was more than 2 am.
- C never hides his conversations with his sister.
- I know very well his sister's Messenger background and it was not the one I saw on his screen.
- A couple of days after that, we both were sitting in front of the pc, when she sent a message to C, obviuously thinking he was on his own. Her first comment was: "I believe I got you out of the shit with L", he inmediatly replied, "she is here with me now". I made no comment at all.
I talked to her and I explained that I felt very embarassed as she was in the middle and that my fault was to talk to my nephew in law about it, but the moment I did it was because I was overloaded with sadness and because for obvious reasons there's no one here I could possibly share what was happening.
She denied having lie on C's behalf, but her arguments were very weak and I am not that naive anymore. I don't blame her, she loves her brother, she wants to see him happy and settled and I also think she is honest when she says she also loves me and that she considers me her sister. She probably acted with the convincement that she was being helpful.
End of the event.
And from my point of view, the beginning of a new stage in our relationship. We need to grow as a couple, we need to work on many areas where we are still not enough comfortable with each other, where we feel insecure.
I am sure of his love and the way he feels for me. However, if he also likes to chat women up and flirt with them, I won't accept it, and I won't change my mind about this.
Some time ago, I read by chance an email that he neglected to close. He was answering a message from a friend in the UK. There he wrote: I am living a domestic bliss at the moment but it didn't stop my desire or imagination from running wild. And he also added: I am not planning on having an affair, at least not yet. How should I feel about this? No doubts at all, no reading in between the lines.... He described his feelings extremely clear. I couldn't forget a single word since then, they have been tortouring me, they wouldn't leave me, I guess this discovery was for me then extremely painful.
---------
Thank you so much Emily for your email, for your nice words and concerns.
I am sorry that it took me so much to post. So, please, accept my apologies.
I had my reasons for being quiet for a while. I needed to take a deep breath before writing about all this again.
It was a difficult month filled with mixed emotions.
Probably due to all the tension I was putting off, I felt very stressed, very tired, and started to experience frequent and strong contractions. This only added a lot more anxiety, as for a while, I felt my baby could be born earlier than the date he is expected. And I knew it was all due to all the misery I was passing through lately.
When I visited the doctor he said that I should rest, be relax and stop putting pressures on me (easier to say than done!), so he "forced" me to take a week off the office. I worked hard on focusing on positive things, I've been busy preparing things for the baby and tried to enjoy these last weeks of my pregnancy (as it probably will be my last pregnancy as well).
I forced myself to stop being so analitical about everything. At the moment, my baby and his health, is more important than anything else and he deserves all my attention.
Undoubtelly, there are some things that my husband and I need to work on, and I surely will insist on doing that and on improving our relationship. Some time ago he commented to a friend that "we have our tough moments but we also have a pretty healthy and strong relationship". And I am content that he sees ourselves like that because I do feel the same. However, my sensation at the moment is that this "healthy and strong relationship" is calling for attention.
Sending that long and painful letter to him was my strong decision to state very clear for him that I was very dissapointed with the last events and that I deserved to express myself, even when what I had to say was not very nice. He had no choice but to acknowledge that.
I expected some kind of reaction from him but I got no reply.
For the next couple of days, we made love, I cried, we made love, I cried again.
On the third day, I got an email from him:
"you need to know that I love you
x
C
X
it bothers me that you think I may not "
I insisted.
I said to him that I need him to talk to me. I told him that I need to know what his needs are, what he wants from me, what he wants about our relationship... he replied: "Neither of us are perfect, but I couldn't want for a better partner."
He kept on saying that he feels very frustrated, and trapped, not by me, but by being unable to meet friends and visit family, and again this painful issue of inadequacy with the place where he lives. I have always been aware of this, and I try to do my best to make his life a better one, to support him and to let him know how much I care. However, is this a valid excuse for his attitude?
There was also another issue that embarassed me a lot. I am suspicious that he asked his sister in the UK to conceal him.
The fact that his sister was in the middle made me feel ashamed. I was partly guilty of this situation: one morning I was very upset and C's nephew appeared on my Messenger. We chat very often and we get on very well. He is a very mature and clever guy and I told him, without giving too many details, that I was having a tough moment with C.
As usual, that evening, I commented to C that I had met his nephew and I also told him that I had found some comfort talking to him about how sad I was feeling. So C knew.
The morning after, his sister talked to me and assured me it was with her that C was chatting when I saw him hiding the conversation.
For several reasons I didn't believe her:
- Firstly we have a 4 hours difference with the UK. That Sunday night, it was 10ish at home, so in the UK was more than 2 am.
- C never hides his conversations with his sister.
- I know very well his sister's Messenger background and it was not the one I saw on his screen.
- A couple of days after that, we both were sitting in front of the pc, when she sent a message to C, obviuously thinking he was on his own. Her first comment was: "I believe I got you out of the shit with L", he inmediatly replied, "she is here with me now". I made no comment at all.
I talked to her and I explained that I felt very embarassed as she was in the middle and that my fault was to talk to my nephew in law about it, but the moment I did it was because I was overloaded with sadness and because for obvious reasons there's no one here I could possibly share what was happening.
She denied having lie on C's behalf, but her arguments were very weak and I am not that naive anymore. I don't blame her, she loves her brother, she wants to see him happy and settled and I also think she is honest when she says she also loves me and that she considers me her sister. She probably acted with the convincement that she was being helpful.
End of the event.
And from my point of view, the beginning of a new stage in our relationship. We need to grow as a couple, we need to work on many areas where we are still not enough comfortable with each other, where we feel insecure.
I am sure of his love and the way he feels for me. However, if he also likes to chat women up and flirt with them, I won't accept it, and I won't change my mind about this.
Some time ago, I read by chance an email that he neglected to close. He was answering a message from a friend in the UK. There he wrote: I am living a domestic bliss at the moment but it didn't stop my desire or imagination from running wild. And he also added: I am not planning on having an affair, at least not yet. How should I feel about this? No doubts at all, no reading in between the lines.... He described his feelings extremely clear. I couldn't forget a single word since then, they have been tortouring me, they wouldn't leave me, I guess this discovery was for me then extremely painful.
---------
Thank you so much Emily for your email, for your nice words and concerns.
I am sorry that it took me so much to post. So, please, accept my apologies.
I had my reasons for being quiet for a while. I needed to take a deep breath before writing about all this again.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Letter to my husband
This has been the thoughest week in a long time.
Last Sunday I found out by chance that C was chatting with someone on the internet. He tried desperately to hide it and this significant attitude from him told me that something was going wrong.
I've been having this feeling for a while, but I made a lot of efforts not to let these negative thoughts gain me. I am 7 months pregnant now and I just wanted to focus on my baby and take care of him and myself.
But when I saw C being so pathetic, switching off his pc in desperation, I knew I had enough.
After a couple of days of misery I asked him to seat down and discuss what was happening but when I tried to start a conversation, he just showed no interest at all and he avoided me. So finally, and being unable of bearing more pain, I decided to write him a letter.
This is more or less what I wrote to him:
----------------------------------
It is very difficult to discuss something with someone who does not look at you when you are talking and who obviously shows no interest in having a conversation. And this is what I sensed last night, I don’t think that I put you off, I just think that you don’t want to listen what I have to say.
It is difficult enough for me to express it and you do not make it easy either. So if I put it down in paper, I will say it in one go, and you can read it whenever you have the time.
I just want to be open and talk frankly and have to be able to express what I need/want/think/feel, and if I can not do it with you, with whom I am expected to do it? This is what I always wanted for us. And this is also what it is missing in our relationship at the moment.
So the conversation that it was not possible to have with you face to face, goes on paper.
As I said last night, I sense you’ve been hiding things from me, I’ve been feeling it for a while. When I saw you last Sunday trying to hide your screen I realised it was not only a sensation but a fact. And I also thought that if you have the necessity to have “secrets”, then something is very wrong. Last night you denied it but the problem is that I saw it, it was in front of my eyes, and as you know someone before almost succeed in making me believe that what I was seeing was unreal, and for a while I thought he was true and I was becoming mad. But time proved that I was not mad. So now, I follow my instincts.
You said that if I feel like this it is ME who has a problem. I think it is US. Just that I didn’t want to deal with it right now it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. I didn’t want to think about it because I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy and try to be positive for my baby and for all what we have ahead. But the sadness and the misery have been accumulating and finally the burden is too heavy and I can not cope with more.
If you have been thinking of having affairs I can not stop you. It’s your decision and it depends on you. I asked you for honesty, this is probably the word that I repeated most since we met and my only condition. Nothing else. If you think you have the right to cheat on me, you are in the wrong relationship.
You need to know what you want from me and so do I.
You have an addiction that is controlling your life. On one hand you say you miss our time on our own but when we are on our own you spend those hours in front of a pc like last Sunday.
I really feel that I have been replaced. You can not imagine how painful is to know that you are always searching, that you are always trying to find other women, that you are masturbating with them, looking at them. There’s so much lack of intimacy between us. I thought that maybe is because of my pregnancy. And I can understand that, although this was already happening before I got pregnant. Seems that I have nothing exciting to offer, why should you be attracted to me? Apart from the fact that the pregnancy was a decision we took together and that I am suppose to be the woman you love. Ok, well maybe you find sex with me very disappointing after all that sex online.
Probably you are thinking it is all about the sex issue, so we make love or we have sex from time to time, and with that you believe you pacify me. But it is not, it is not about the physical intimacy, or not only that, it is about the emotional intimacy as well. It came a point where I am in such a turmoil that I can not stop wondering if when we make love you are fantasising over other women, if you are 100% with me. Are you emotionally with me? And so much tension makes me cry, can’t help it, just for you to know why I cry, you can give me so much pleasure but I can feel so much pain at the same time, how can this be a healthy, enjoyable situation? It is so insane.
If I am not the person, the woman you’ve expected me to be, if I am not good enough for you, then I am sorry if I’ve disappointed you. You don’t ask, you don’t say what you want, you don’t express what you need, but if you have to look at other women is because you are not satisfied with our relationship or with what I have to offer you.
I feel miserable, I am very upset and now I can not deal with so much pain. But I still prefer the truth, whatever it is. I would do anything to change this situation because I am committed to you and to our relationship and because I love you so much. But I can not force you to love me. Many times you say that in a relationship, after some time it is not possible to feel the same passion as you can feel at the beginning. And I think how sad it is to feel like that. Because I do really feel the same passion as the first day, I’ve been learning to love you more each day though. Anyway, maybe I am a freak after all.
C, I need to know what is happening and I need you to be honest and I do need to recover my peace.
I love you.
L
Last Sunday I found out by chance that C was chatting with someone on the internet. He tried desperately to hide it and this significant attitude from him told me that something was going wrong.
I've been having this feeling for a while, but I made a lot of efforts not to let these negative thoughts gain me. I am 7 months pregnant now and I just wanted to focus on my baby and take care of him and myself.
But when I saw C being so pathetic, switching off his pc in desperation, I knew I had enough.
After a couple of days of misery I asked him to seat down and discuss what was happening but when I tried to start a conversation, he just showed no interest at all and he avoided me. So finally, and being unable of bearing more pain, I decided to write him a letter.
This is more or less what I wrote to him:
----------------------------------
It is very difficult to discuss something with someone who does not look at you when you are talking and who obviously shows no interest in having a conversation. And this is what I sensed last night, I don’t think that I put you off, I just think that you don’t want to listen what I have to say.
It is difficult enough for me to express it and you do not make it easy either. So if I put it down in paper, I will say it in one go, and you can read it whenever you have the time.
I just want to be open and talk frankly and have to be able to express what I need/want/think/feel, and if I can not do it with you, with whom I am expected to do it? This is what I always wanted for us. And this is also what it is missing in our relationship at the moment.
So the conversation that it was not possible to have with you face to face, goes on paper.
As I said last night, I sense you’ve been hiding things from me, I’ve been feeling it for a while. When I saw you last Sunday trying to hide your screen I realised it was not only a sensation but a fact. And I also thought that if you have the necessity to have “secrets”, then something is very wrong. Last night you denied it but the problem is that I saw it, it was in front of my eyes, and as you know someone before almost succeed in making me believe that what I was seeing was unreal, and for a while I thought he was true and I was becoming mad. But time proved that I was not mad. So now, I follow my instincts.
You said that if I feel like this it is ME who has a problem. I think it is US. Just that I didn’t want to deal with it right now it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. I didn’t want to think about it because I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy and try to be positive for my baby and for all what we have ahead. But the sadness and the misery have been accumulating and finally the burden is too heavy and I can not cope with more.
If you have been thinking of having affairs I can not stop you. It’s your decision and it depends on you. I asked you for honesty, this is probably the word that I repeated most since we met and my only condition. Nothing else. If you think you have the right to cheat on me, you are in the wrong relationship.
You need to know what you want from me and so do I.
You have an addiction that is controlling your life. On one hand you say you miss our time on our own but when we are on our own you spend those hours in front of a pc like last Sunday.
I really feel that I have been replaced. You can not imagine how painful is to know that you are always searching, that you are always trying to find other women, that you are masturbating with them, looking at them. There’s so much lack of intimacy between us. I thought that maybe is because of my pregnancy. And I can understand that, although this was already happening before I got pregnant. Seems that I have nothing exciting to offer, why should you be attracted to me? Apart from the fact that the pregnancy was a decision we took together and that I am suppose to be the woman you love. Ok, well maybe you find sex with me very disappointing after all that sex online.
Probably you are thinking it is all about the sex issue, so we make love or we have sex from time to time, and with that you believe you pacify me. But it is not, it is not about the physical intimacy, or not only that, it is about the emotional intimacy as well. It came a point where I am in such a turmoil that I can not stop wondering if when we make love you are fantasising over other women, if you are 100% with me. Are you emotionally with me? And so much tension makes me cry, can’t help it, just for you to know why I cry, you can give me so much pleasure but I can feel so much pain at the same time, how can this be a healthy, enjoyable situation? It is so insane.
If I am not the person, the woman you’ve expected me to be, if I am not good enough for you, then I am sorry if I’ve disappointed you. You don’t ask, you don’t say what you want, you don’t express what you need, but if you have to look at other women is because you are not satisfied with our relationship or with what I have to offer you.
I feel miserable, I am very upset and now I can not deal with so much pain. But I still prefer the truth, whatever it is. I would do anything to change this situation because I am committed to you and to our relationship and because I love you so much. But I can not force you to love me. Many times you say that in a relationship, after some time it is not possible to feel the same passion as you can feel at the beginning. And I think how sad it is to feel like that. Because I do really feel the same passion as the first day, I’ve been learning to love you more each day though. Anyway, maybe I am a freak after all.
C, I need to know what is happening and I need you to be honest and I do need to recover my peace.
I love you.
L
Monday, September 25, 2006
Moving letter
Last Friday C gave me a letter to post to his stepmother in the UK.
He handled it to me unsealed and he asked me to read it before sending it.
It was an up to date on his activities and his jobs and the feelings about the new school as well as the relationship with his students in general. He described to her how different both schools are and the distinctive approachs they have to education. He also explained to her that he feels happy to work in an enviroment where his opinion is well respected, where his work and his efforts are always welcome and appreciated.
Obviously, our baby was the subject of almost half the letter. How I am feeling, and why we choose that name for him, etc., etc..
He explained that unfortunatelly, we won't be able to travel to visit her and the rest of the family in the short term. The family budget is the main reason for this, but also because we would like to take the baby with us and we would like him to be at least one year old for such a long trip.
He also wrote that sometimes, he can not prevent himself for feeling low and depressed. He wrote how much he misses his friends, his family and his green England.
I was move to tears as I know so well how much he still suffers. I was aware of the brave decision he took two years ago when he decided to leave everything behind to step into the unknown.
Even when it was his own free will, I can understand how difficult and challenging all those changes probably were for him. From the peace of the green filds to busy beaches, from the beauty of the snow hills to the heat of summertime, from the quietness of a life with no little ones around to daily life with two kids aged 8 and 5 who were as noisy as welcoming.
The cultural shock was also inmense. I realised he felt rootless and inadequate. The language issue also contribuited to make him feel isolated: he didn't understand Spanish, neither he could communicate.
I could feel his pain. I could see how much he was struggling with so many new things in his life and I also sensed the worst: he was regretting his decision.
Those were very difficult times.
Both for him and for me.
I didn't know how to help him feel better nor what could I do to support him. And I also went through a lot of misery myself as I felt frustrated because I could not give him what he needed to be positive and confident again about our life together.
I guessed it was his own grief and he needed to overcome that mourning. I guessed he needed time to digest what was going on in his new life. I could only be by his side to accompany him and give him all my love.
And with time, he started to feel a little more settle down.
We got married exactly a year after his arrival and for that event his sister and his 18-years-old nephew came over for a 20 days visit.
Next November will be 2 years since he is with us and we are expecting our baby boy for December. I am sure that he will make a wonderful father and I wish so much he will enjoy his baby.
I do know that sometimes he feels down and sinks into melancholy but I can only hope that, as time goes by, we will grow as a close and happy family.
He handled it to me unsealed and he asked me to read it before sending it.
It was an up to date on his activities and his jobs and the feelings about the new school as well as the relationship with his students in general. He described to her how different both schools are and the distinctive approachs they have to education. He also explained to her that he feels happy to work in an enviroment where his opinion is well respected, where his work and his efforts are always welcome and appreciated.
Obviously, our baby was the subject of almost half the letter. How I am feeling, and why we choose that name for him, etc., etc..
He explained that unfortunatelly, we won't be able to travel to visit her and the rest of the family in the short term. The family budget is the main reason for this, but also because we would like to take the baby with us and we would like him to be at least one year old for such a long trip.
He also wrote that sometimes, he can not prevent himself for feeling low and depressed. He wrote how much he misses his friends, his family and his green England.
I was move to tears as I know so well how much he still suffers. I was aware of the brave decision he took two years ago when he decided to leave everything behind to step into the unknown.
Even when it was his own free will, I can understand how difficult and challenging all those changes probably were for him. From the peace of the green filds to busy beaches, from the beauty of the snow hills to the heat of summertime, from the quietness of a life with no little ones around to daily life with two kids aged 8 and 5 who were as noisy as welcoming.
The cultural shock was also inmense. I realised he felt rootless and inadequate. The language issue also contribuited to make him feel isolated: he didn't understand Spanish, neither he could communicate.
I could feel his pain. I could see how much he was struggling with so many new things in his life and I also sensed the worst: he was regretting his decision.
Those were very difficult times.
Both for him and for me.
I didn't know how to help him feel better nor what could I do to support him. And I also went through a lot of misery myself as I felt frustrated because I could not give him what he needed to be positive and confident again about our life together.
I guessed it was his own grief and he needed to overcome that mourning. I guessed he needed time to digest what was going on in his new life. I could only be by his side to accompany him and give him all my love.
And with time, he started to feel a little more settle down.
We got married exactly a year after his arrival and for that event his sister and his 18-years-old nephew came over for a 20 days visit.
Next November will be 2 years since he is with us and we are expecting our baby boy for December. I am sure that he will make a wonderful father and I wish so much he will enjoy his baby.
I do know that sometimes he feels down and sinks into melancholy but I can only hope that, as time goes by, we will grow as a close and happy family.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Dear friend...
The last couple of days have been hectic.
We had a busy weekend, filled with social activities.
Last Friday, one of my friends from adolescence was 40 years old and her husband organized a small party with family and friends to celebrate.
My friend and I don't see each other very often: our lives have gone separate ways and actually, our lives are very different. Although we are in touch, it is difficult for us to find our space. We don't have many things in common now, but we still care a lot about each other.
It was nice to see them all again. However, I experienced an strange feeling when the memories of all those years we shared toegether took me by surprise.
We were in our 15ish when we met at high school. We were so naive and unexperienced then. We went through so many experiences together. The breakdown of my mother's second marriage, her father's death, the mental crisis of her oldest brother and his subsequent dissapearance...
We were very different and maybe due to that, we got on that well, we were compatible, in a way we had complementary personalities. Under a mask of shyness, she was a strong character, sometimes not very easy going: she had no many friends. I was the free spirit, the rebellious one, the extrovert, always with friends around, the bright student, the popular girl of the class.
Yes, we were very different.
However, we were the same.
Our values were the same, our principles were the same.
We both believed in honesty, we both thought a better world was possible, we borne together the last death rattles of a dictatorship regime that had opressed our country (and the whole region) for decades. We strongly believed that freedom was the answer and that it was worth fighting for it. And we deeply believed that true love existed.
It was not until we were 19 when, that same year and for the first time in our lives, we started a serious relationship. And our lives turned upside down. Our friendship suffered a lot because our boyfriends came from very different backgrounds. Hers was training to become a businessman while mine was a hard-working University student, fighting against all odds to become a lawyer.
We overcame dramatic moments together and we only had each other for support. She had to go on an abortion in a country where this practice is not legal and I suffered the treatment of a very macho boyfriend who after having our first sex encounter said to me that he wanted to leave me as he was sure it was not my first time.
We shared summers in the beach, full of fragrant pines and salty oceans. I can still remember how excited she was when due to my adventurous spirit (and thanks that my English was good enough at 20!!) we met Simon Le Bon and wife as he was in a Witbread Round The World Race competition that made a stop at Punta del Este harbour. How nervous and frustrated she was because they invited us for some drinks at theirs and she couldn't say a word in English!
Then, my mother got her a job as a receptionist at the same TV channel my mother used to be the Human Resources manager. After 20 years she is still working there, in the same position. At that time I was already working at the Faculty of Medicine in an administrative department (I got my first job at 17), and studying Laws at the University.
She finally married her boyfriend (who gave up his business studies for a salesman position) and had a very conventional wedding, with a fluffy immaculate white dress included. After 7 years of dating, my bofriend and I, rented an apartment and went to live together (despite my mother's dissaproval who also liked the idea of the silly dress for me).
She had her 3 boys one after the other. I was still going to the University and moving to better jobs.
She turned into a full time housewife, although she kept her job at the TV Channel.
I had my first kid, at 29 and my second one at 33. At that point I was already sure of two things: I didn't want to become a lawyer and my partner was cheating on me.
When my daughter was not even 1 year old yet, the circumstances pushed me to take drastic decisions and I decided that after 15 years of being together, my partner and I, have nothing in common but two beautiful kids. I asked him to leave the house.
My friend was there to support me like in the old times and after a huge crisis I managed to revive. I worked hard, I started to study English Literature and I went back to painting, which were my two old passions. I saved money and did some rebuildings in my home and finally, I planned a two months trip to the UK. My life changed completely at Manchester airport. The rest is another story.
Last Friday, looking at my friend I couldn't help but thinking how much better I feel now with myself than in our adolescence or in our twenties. I was aware of how more complete as a woman I feel now and how much happier with the person I am. I realized that the several changes and crisis I went through made me stronger and turned me into a better human being.
Every period of our lives is different. I would not denny any of my past attitudes or decisions and I do not regret my past. However, if I had the chance to be 20 again, undoubtedelly, and from the perspective of my 40's, I would have other options now and probably, take other decisions.
I couldn't sense the same attitude in my friend though. I sensed tiredness, all the unbearable weight of routine on her shoulders, I couldn't see that amazing bright in her eyes and she didn't give me that contagious fresh smile as in the old times either. She looked worn out.
For a moment I felt I wanted to leave as soon as possible, to escape from that house. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her life easier. Maybe she was ok, maybe she doesn't even feel the necessity to make changes in her life... but once more, I thought the contrast with my happiness was very noticeable.
Happy Birthday Dear Friend.
We had a busy weekend, filled with social activities.
Last Friday, one of my friends from adolescence was 40 years old and her husband organized a small party with family and friends to celebrate.
My friend and I don't see each other very often: our lives have gone separate ways and actually, our lives are very different. Although we are in touch, it is difficult for us to find our space. We don't have many things in common now, but we still care a lot about each other.
It was nice to see them all again. However, I experienced an strange feeling when the memories of all those years we shared toegether took me by surprise.
We were in our 15ish when we met at high school. We were so naive and unexperienced then. We went through so many experiences together. The breakdown of my mother's second marriage, her father's death, the mental crisis of her oldest brother and his subsequent dissapearance...
We were very different and maybe due to that, we got on that well, we were compatible, in a way we had complementary personalities. Under a mask of shyness, she was a strong character, sometimes not very easy going: she had no many friends. I was the free spirit, the rebellious one, the extrovert, always with friends around, the bright student, the popular girl of the class.
Yes, we were very different.
However, we were the same.
Our values were the same, our principles were the same.
We both believed in honesty, we both thought a better world was possible, we borne together the last death rattles of a dictatorship regime that had opressed our country (and the whole region) for decades. We strongly believed that freedom was the answer and that it was worth fighting for it. And we deeply believed that true love existed.
It was not until we were 19 when, that same year and for the first time in our lives, we started a serious relationship. And our lives turned upside down. Our friendship suffered a lot because our boyfriends came from very different backgrounds. Hers was training to become a businessman while mine was a hard-working University student, fighting against all odds to become a lawyer.
We overcame dramatic moments together and we only had each other for support. She had to go on an abortion in a country where this practice is not legal and I suffered the treatment of a very macho boyfriend who after having our first sex encounter said to me that he wanted to leave me as he was sure it was not my first time.
We shared summers in the beach, full of fragrant pines and salty oceans. I can still remember how excited she was when due to my adventurous spirit (and thanks that my English was good enough at 20!!) we met Simon Le Bon and wife as he was in a Witbread Round The World Race competition that made a stop at Punta del Este harbour. How nervous and frustrated she was because they invited us for some drinks at theirs and she couldn't say a word in English!
Then, my mother got her a job as a receptionist at the same TV channel my mother used to be the Human Resources manager. After 20 years she is still working there, in the same position. At that time I was already working at the Faculty of Medicine in an administrative department (I got my first job at 17), and studying Laws at the University.
She finally married her boyfriend (who gave up his business studies for a salesman position) and had a very conventional wedding, with a fluffy immaculate white dress included. After 7 years of dating, my bofriend and I, rented an apartment and went to live together (despite my mother's dissaproval who also liked the idea of the silly dress for me).
She had her 3 boys one after the other. I was still going to the University and moving to better jobs.
She turned into a full time housewife, although she kept her job at the TV Channel.
I had my first kid, at 29 and my second one at 33. At that point I was already sure of two things: I didn't want to become a lawyer and my partner was cheating on me.
When my daughter was not even 1 year old yet, the circumstances pushed me to take drastic decisions and I decided that after 15 years of being together, my partner and I, have nothing in common but two beautiful kids. I asked him to leave the house.
My friend was there to support me like in the old times and after a huge crisis I managed to revive. I worked hard, I started to study English Literature and I went back to painting, which were my two old passions. I saved money and did some rebuildings in my home and finally, I planned a two months trip to the UK. My life changed completely at Manchester airport. The rest is another story.
Last Friday, looking at my friend I couldn't help but thinking how much better I feel now with myself than in our adolescence or in our twenties. I was aware of how more complete as a woman I feel now and how much happier with the person I am. I realized that the several changes and crisis I went through made me stronger and turned me into a better human being.
Every period of our lives is different. I would not denny any of my past attitudes or decisions and I do not regret my past. However, if I had the chance to be 20 again, undoubtedelly, and from the perspective of my 40's, I would have other options now and probably, take other decisions.
I couldn't sense the same attitude in my friend though. I sensed tiredness, all the unbearable weight of routine on her shoulders, I couldn't see that amazing bright in her eyes and she didn't give me that contagious fresh smile as in the old times either. She looked worn out.
For a moment I felt I wanted to leave as soon as possible, to escape from that house. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her life easier. Maybe she was ok, maybe she doesn't even feel the necessity to make changes in her life... but once more, I thought the contrast with my happiness was very noticeable.
Happy Birthday Dear Friend.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Beautiful...
Last Saturday we made love.
It was more than 15 days since we last had any kind of sex.
It was tender, it was passionate, it was furious, it was ferocious...
The emotional and physical relief was like a blessing. My body, my mind, my spirit and my whole being were impossible to control.
I couldn't help but crying.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Barbacue area
Family is growing.
New projects are in the air.
We love receiving friends at home.
Conclusion: the barbacue area HAS TO be rebuilt.
A month before C moved from the UK, I did some works on this area, repainted walls in bright colours and improved the condition of the garden.
The first picture you can see here, is the original barbacue and the following two, are the barbacue after the painting. It took me about a week to get used to the bright orange, but I was very happy with the final result. I usually say that the area looks like a "mexican patio", bright, stunning, cheerful. I like colours in my life, I imagine Frida Khalo's home was painted in similar colours.
However, we need to rebuild this area to use it for new different purposes.
On one hand, I would like to have a closed space where we can receive friends for barbacues, children can also have their own parties and why not, use this area for studying when they are older.
Secondly, we thought of moving C's studio there. The area is big enough as to "divide" the space into two different areas, one where the proper barbacue is, would function as a big dinning room and the other half as an art studio, a cozy living room with an open fire where we could relax, read, paint, etc..
We both believe that we could be able to run our own business teaching music, art, painting, literature, and eventually, this is what we plan to do, and this space would be essential to create an area that we could use for these purposes.
Moving the studio to this space would also would also allow us to have another bedroom in the house. If we move B's (my 6 years-old daughter) bedroom to the studio, it would be possible to organize there a working area for the kids as well, as the studio is a big room. By doing this, we could have B's bedroom, which is the smaller in the house, free and we could prepare the baby's bedroom there. We wouldn't make changes in G's (my 9 years-old son) bedroom then.
The works for rebuilding the barbacue would include (briefly):
- building of the second half of the roof. From the outside would look the same as the other half already built. From the inside, works for roof insulation has to be done and the final aspect would be a wood covering.
- the tiles of the floor have to be changed. I like the rustic style, but some tiles are broken and the floor was not built properly, so it has to be done again. Probably I would choose the same tiles, or at least, same colour.
- would be perfect to build a small toilette with a shower. So that guests/students/friends don't have to go inside the house to use the toilette. Also this area could be very useful for receiving C's family when they come over and a bathroom here would be very practical.
- building of an open fire. We have central heating inside the house and a small open fire in the living room. But it is not worth it (and very expensive too) to build an extension of the heating to the barbacue. However, this one would be a big area and as we are planning to use it during the whole year, even in winter, we need to decide about warming it up. We love open fires, so this would be a good option.
- finally the front of the whole area has to be closed with glass sliding windows. Then it would be a very bright and sunny area.
All those works would probably take a month more or less, and I hoped we could start before the baby is born.
BUT the cost of all this is american dollars 8.000.-, and we only have american dollars 4.000.-
At the moment I can not see how we could possibly make it unless I win the lottery (but I don't bet anyway).
Any idea?????
Monday, August 28, 2006
Baby Thomas' scan
This afternoon, we had an appointment to do a routinary scan.
I am 6 months pregnant now and this was the third scan already.
It was emotional and touching as usual to spy in the screen this small being, moving, growing and developing himself inside my womb. It is amazing how with the fast advances of technology in this area, it is so clear, so perfect and easy to understand and to appreciate all the details of the tiny anatomy.
C had a serious air but didn't stop watching while the doctor/technician was moving the scan around our baby, messuring every little bone, every organ.
It still is a mistery to me how C feels about the baby, how is he experiencing my pregnancy, if he is preparing himself for fatherhood, most of the time I have the feeling that he is not aware that this creature will change our lives in every possible sense.
After the Hospital, we had time for a quick coffee before I return to the office. We talked about how fast Thomas is growing inside of me and as usual I said I hope he has same eyes as his father. C teased me by saying that those cheeks looked exactly like mine.
We discussed what language the baby would speak and we both agree that we should talk to him in English as he ultimately he will learn Spanish with the rest of the family, school, etc.. Of course there's no other possibility for C than to speak to him in English.
C told me that he would like to teach music to Thomas or at least give him all the tools and all the opportunities that come with no effort. I hope our son will be able to appreciate this, I believe that growing in a family that is so interested in arts would encourage him to do something related. I would love him to be a musician like his father, but of course this is something that he will have to decide himself. And this is what I let C know: yes, we will be there for him, to give him all the tools and to be his guide, but I will be happy with whatever he decides to do in life, if he has a passion for it.
I am 6 months pregnant now and this was the third scan already.
It was emotional and touching as usual to spy in the screen this small being, moving, growing and developing himself inside my womb. It is amazing how with the fast advances of technology in this area, it is so clear, so perfect and easy to understand and to appreciate all the details of the tiny anatomy.
C had a serious air but didn't stop watching while the doctor/technician was moving the scan around our baby, messuring every little bone, every organ.
It still is a mistery to me how C feels about the baby, how is he experiencing my pregnancy, if he is preparing himself for fatherhood, most of the time I have the feeling that he is not aware that this creature will change our lives in every possible sense.
After the Hospital, we had time for a quick coffee before I return to the office. We talked about how fast Thomas is growing inside of me and as usual I said I hope he has same eyes as his father. C teased me by saying that those cheeks looked exactly like mine.
We discussed what language the baby would speak and we both agree that we should talk to him in English as he ultimately he will learn Spanish with the rest of the family, school, etc.. Of course there's no other possibility for C than to speak to him in English.
C told me that he would like to teach music to Thomas or at least give him all the tools and all the opportunities that come with no effort. I hope our son will be able to appreciate this, I believe that growing in a family that is so interested in arts would encourage him to do something related. I would love him to be a musician like his father, but of course this is something that he will have to decide himself. And this is what I let C know: yes, we will be there for him, to give him all the tools and to be his guide, but I will be happy with whatever he decides to do in life, if he has a passion for it.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Legal Residence
After a whole painful year plus 3 months, the application for C's Legal Residence has finished.
The final resolution was communicated to us today.
I dealt with all the application myself in behalf of C, above everything due to his impossibility of communicate in Spanish, but also did it in an attempt to make his life easier, less painful, once more letting win my obssesion to protecting him.
But at the end of the day, I have to accept it, I didn't want him to be aware of the shameful machinery behind the Civil Service in my country. I just wanted to save myself all the shame and frustration of "translating" to him how this things are done in this part of the world.
I am not going to describe here the endless wasted hours at offices, dealing with incoherent civil servants, the irrationality of procedures, a perfect example of crippling bureaucracy.
I had enough myself.
Even when I believe I am such a tolerant, patient and pacifist person, more than once during this year, while I was waiting endless hours at those offices only to hear later the absurd replies of the wasted civil servant on duty behind a desk, I could not help but remembering a violent Michael Douglas getting stuck in the traffic jam in that day of fury in Falling Down... I am sure, one day, someone will get as demented as him.
The final resolution was communicated to us today.
I dealt with all the application myself in behalf of C, above everything due to his impossibility of communicate in Spanish, but also did it in an attempt to make his life easier, less painful, once more letting win my obssesion to protecting him.
But at the end of the day, I have to accept it, I didn't want him to be aware of the shameful machinery behind the Civil Service in my country. I just wanted to save myself all the shame and frustration of "translating" to him how this things are done in this part of the world.
I am not going to describe here the endless wasted hours at offices, dealing with incoherent civil servants, the irrationality of procedures, a perfect example of crippling bureaucracy.
I had enough myself.
Even when I believe I am such a tolerant, patient and pacifist person, more than once during this year, while I was waiting endless hours at those offices only to hear later the absurd replies of the wasted civil servant on duty behind a desk, I could not help but remembering a violent Michael Douglas getting stuck in the traffic jam in that day of fury in Falling Down... I am sure, one day, someone will get as demented as him.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Foggy week
The last past week has been stressing.
C has been feeling miserable most of the time and obviously, this had a huge influence in my mood as well.
I would like to think that all this stress was due to so many things he had to cope with at the same time: he had to prepare himself for a singalong, he was performing at the annual school play (also he composed all the music for the same play) and he was struggling to adapt himself to a new job as an Art Teacher.
Obviously the new job is probably the big issue here.
When he got the job, the first days of August, I saw it as a fantastic opportunity for him to commit himself into something he likes and he is prepare for (he has a degree in Fine Arts) in one of the best schools in this country (if not the best). It's an american school (the only one here) and its first language is English (second language Spanish) while in every other bilingual school it is exactly the other way round.
Children from diplomatic families go there and, only 30% of its students are local. Considering this aspect and that the teachers are from different parts of the globe, there's a cosmopolitan feeling there that, in the whole, makes it attractive to C who still struggles so much with our latinamerican culture.
His salary is not completely arranged yet but he felt he could communicate good enough with the new Head Director (an american guy who has only been here for a month) and he accepted the job.
He teaches Arts to Elementary and Primary School and Music as an extra curricular activity. He was very positive at the beginning, he even bought books related to the subject, and had a lot of projects to start working with them. However, the first week proved to be hard.
I do understand that dealing with small kids could be difficult. However, I've been in one of his classes and I was amazed at how well he could handle the kids, how easily he communicates with them, how patient he is and also I could appreciate how the children responded so well to him too. Not all classes are supose to be like that, but I got the picture.
Being a teacher requires a lot of work outside the classroom and preparing for his classes proved to be painful as he moans all the time about not having time to play his music as he used to. I do believe that all that extra time at home guitar playing was a bonus he had to take advantage of. Sooner or later it would come a time when he should have to commit himself into getting an income, for his own expenses and for contribuiting to paying family bills.
But these changes only made him very unhappy. I started to hear only negative comments: the kids getting difficult to deal with, the crowded bus trips to the school, the rushes from one school to the other, the heat, the cold and everything.
I did what I could, try to did my best to be out of his way, to be positive and to make him look at the bright side of all it.
I can not remember a single warm gesture from him during that whole week. Probably he was too busy to notice I was there. I stroked his back everynight as usual in an attempt to make him feel better. But again, this is something that I usually do until I fall asleep.
One day in the the middle of the week I made a short visit home at lunch time to organize a little bit the house work so that everything would be more or less ready for when we all return home in the evening. I did supermarket shopping, I collected the washing and put some more washing outside, washed dishes, etc.. I had to rush as I only had an hour and a half before returning to the office (the trips at 100 km/h along the coast also counted). But I still had time to left a bar of chocolate on his desk, the one the I know that he likes so much, with a little funny card with a cartoon of a smily cat on it. I wrote a few words in it, wishing him a sweet afternoon (I knew he would arrive home in a couple more hours) and I rushed back to my office.
In the evening when I returned home, he didn't even move from the coach in his studio, he didn't even make any attempt to kiss me and he had that miserable face again. His only comment was "sorry, but I eat all the chocolate", I replied that it was for him anyway. I went downstairs and started dealing with dinner and my son's homeworks. After a while he came down to the kitchen too... only to serve himself some more coffee and to throw some papers into the dustbin.
And then I saw it.
He was throwing away my card. Suddenly I felt tearfully. In that apparently insignificant, silly event, I saw him as summing up his last days' attitude. And I felt pathetic, stupid, utterly sad. All the frustration of the last days was fighting not to be shown together with my tears.
I let the days pass as I knew there were important things to come in the following days and I didn't want to put more pressure on him by having a conversation that, I acknowledged before hand, at least, would stressed him. Friday was the singalong, Sat and Sunday were the last performances of the school play (and we were also taking the kids to watch the play).
It was already Tuesday of the following week when I managed to send him an email putting into words some of my feelings and some of my pain. It felt a relief to be able to get out all those words that have been boiling up inside me for so many days.
Again I repeated to him that I do not want him to work anymore if he can not put up with the frustration of "working for other people" as he usally says. But what I can not deal with is his misery.
Of course I also explained to him that I don't agree with what I was suggesting: I strongly believe that being at home, spending his days shutting himself up indoors was not a "healthy" option at all. Wasting hours and hours of his precious life in front of a screen, and watching porn is not "real life" and it is not what I want for him. I stated this very clearly.
I explained to him how concerned I am about trying to make everybody's lives better and easier. That I do my best, and that I had the feeling that even this was not appreciated at all, that I could be killing myslef but I was taken for granted. I didn't pretend to moan, but I wanted to let him know that even when I have my own worries, concerns and frustrations, I still try to be positive and have a smily face when I arrive home.
I also said to him that I've always wanted us to have an open and honest communication but that lately, I've been struggling to express how I feel as I am so afraid that he may say things that I do not want to listen.
I told him that I tourture myself all the time thinking that he may regret everything he did to be with us (me), that he even regrets becoming a (future) father, that he may regret leaving his ex partner and his former life with her as all that I hear is how much he wants to come back to the UK.
And how much this whole week of silence between us hurted, this whole week of not doing any good to our relationship with that attitude, this whole week of not taking care of it.
I got a big hug when I arrived home that evening.
C has been feeling miserable most of the time and obviously, this had a huge influence in my mood as well.
I would like to think that all this stress was due to so many things he had to cope with at the same time: he had to prepare himself for a singalong, he was performing at the annual school play (also he composed all the music for the same play) and he was struggling to adapt himself to a new job as an Art Teacher.
Obviously the new job is probably the big issue here.
When he got the job, the first days of August, I saw it as a fantastic opportunity for him to commit himself into something he likes and he is prepare for (he has a degree in Fine Arts) in one of the best schools in this country (if not the best). It's an american school (the only one here) and its first language is English (second language Spanish) while in every other bilingual school it is exactly the other way round.
Children from diplomatic families go there and, only 30% of its students are local. Considering this aspect and that the teachers are from different parts of the globe, there's a cosmopolitan feeling there that, in the whole, makes it attractive to C who still struggles so much with our latinamerican culture.
His salary is not completely arranged yet but he felt he could communicate good enough with the new Head Director (an american guy who has only been here for a month) and he accepted the job.
He teaches Arts to Elementary and Primary School and Music as an extra curricular activity. He was very positive at the beginning, he even bought books related to the subject, and had a lot of projects to start working with them. However, the first week proved to be hard.
I do understand that dealing with small kids could be difficult. However, I've been in one of his classes and I was amazed at how well he could handle the kids, how easily he communicates with them, how patient he is and also I could appreciate how the children responded so well to him too. Not all classes are supose to be like that, but I got the picture.
Being a teacher requires a lot of work outside the classroom and preparing for his classes proved to be painful as he moans all the time about not having time to play his music as he used to. I do believe that all that extra time at home guitar playing was a bonus he had to take advantage of. Sooner or later it would come a time when he should have to commit himself into getting an income, for his own expenses and for contribuiting to paying family bills.
But these changes only made him very unhappy. I started to hear only negative comments: the kids getting difficult to deal with, the crowded bus trips to the school, the rushes from one school to the other, the heat, the cold and everything.
I did what I could, try to did my best to be out of his way, to be positive and to make him look at the bright side of all it.
I can not remember a single warm gesture from him during that whole week. Probably he was too busy to notice I was there. I stroked his back everynight as usual in an attempt to make him feel better. But again, this is something that I usually do until I fall asleep.
One day in the the middle of the week I made a short visit home at lunch time to organize a little bit the house work so that everything would be more or less ready for when we all return home in the evening. I did supermarket shopping, I collected the washing and put some more washing outside, washed dishes, etc.. I had to rush as I only had an hour and a half before returning to the office (the trips at 100 km/h along the coast also counted). But I still had time to left a bar of chocolate on his desk, the one the I know that he likes so much, with a little funny card with a cartoon of a smily cat on it. I wrote a few words in it, wishing him a sweet afternoon (I knew he would arrive home in a couple more hours) and I rushed back to my office.
In the evening when I returned home, he didn't even move from the coach in his studio, he didn't even make any attempt to kiss me and he had that miserable face again. His only comment was "sorry, but I eat all the chocolate", I replied that it was for him anyway. I went downstairs and started dealing with dinner and my son's homeworks. After a while he came down to the kitchen too... only to serve himself some more coffee and to throw some papers into the dustbin.
And then I saw it.
He was throwing away my card. Suddenly I felt tearfully. In that apparently insignificant, silly event, I saw him as summing up his last days' attitude. And I felt pathetic, stupid, utterly sad. All the frustration of the last days was fighting not to be shown together with my tears.
I let the days pass as I knew there were important things to come in the following days and I didn't want to put more pressure on him by having a conversation that, I acknowledged before hand, at least, would stressed him. Friday was the singalong, Sat and Sunday were the last performances of the school play (and we were also taking the kids to watch the play).
It was already Tuesday of the following week when I managed to send him an email putting into words some of my feelings and some of my pain. It felt a relief to be able to get out all those words that have been boiling up inside me for so many days.
Again I repeated to him that I do not want him to work anymore if he can not put up with the frustration of "working for other people" as he usally says. But what I can not deal with is his misery.
Of course I also explained to him that I don't agree with what I was suggesting: I strongly believe that being at home, spending his days shutting himself up indoors was not a "healthy" option at all. Wasting hours and hours of his precious life in front of a screen, and watching porn is not "real life" and it is not what I want for him. I stated this very clearly.
I explained to him how concerned I am about trying to make everybody's lives better and easier. That I do my best, and that I had the feeling that even this was not appreciated at all, that I could be killing myslef but I was taken for granted. I didn't pretend to moan, but I wanted to let him know that even when I have my own worries, concerns and frustrations, I still try to be positive and have a smily face when I arrive home.
I also said to him that I've always wanted us to have an open and honest communication but that lately, I've been struggling to express how I feel as I am so afraid that he may say things that I do not want to listen.
I told him that I tourture myself all the time thinking that he may regret everything he did to be with us (me), that he even regrets becoming a (future) father, that he may regret leaving his ex partner and his former life with her as all that I hear is how much he wants to come back to the UK.
And how much this whole week of silence between us hurted, this whole week of not doing any good to our relationship with that attitude, this whole week of not taking care of it.
I got a big hug when I arrived home that evening.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Sex and Pregnancy
It's been a while since my last post.
Dealing with so many changes and a few difficult domestic situations kept me away from my blog for more time than I have expected.
I am still experimenting some of the fears and doubts that usually pregnant women experiment at some stage of the pregnancy period. I am still concern about the toxoplasmosis issue and I will probably be until the day I give birth. However, I started to feel better after the first trimester and little by little all those symptoms of fatigue and nausea dissapeared. I am working as usual at the office from 9 am to 6 pm and my daily routine did not change at all, with the exception that I had to give up acting for a while as I bear a noticeable tummy already.
I've been visiting the doctor monthly, doing the usual health tests and routinary scans and everything is perfect. The doctor said I am very healthy and I am a very positive person, so he asked me to watch my weight and go on with my usual activities.
Everything seems to be under control.
However, there's something that has been bothering me, making me feel miserable, moody and agressive, and this has to do with my current sex life.
I was very aware that there were going to be changes in our sex life.
I was never concerned about this in my two previous pregnancies, because sex with my previous partner (the father of my two kids) was disastrous and I did not care at all how he might had seen me. The problem was not my pregnancies but the absolutely lack of chemestry between us, our minds were never connected, needless to say our bodies were the same.
Since I met C, all that he gave me was the possibility to enjoy my sexuality, to feel free to express myself sexually and not to be ashamed about it, and above all, he was happy to share this with me. I realize how signifcant, how important his attitude has been to me, I felt that, now in my 30's, I was experimenting a sexual awakening. Due to this, now that I am pregnant, I do need to feel that I am accepted in this "new body". Also I need C to be involved emotionally. It will be his first experience as a father. I would like him to enjoy this period, it's an oportunity not to be missed.
I truly believe that open communication is the key, try to keep an honest dialogue. I do not know why I do struggle so much, why I've been finding it so difficult to talk to my husband about what I need or what I want. Maybe because I am a bit embarassed of hearing the same comment from him: "you are one track mind". Some time ago, this label used to be kind of funny and I used to feel "proud" about such stament, but lately turned to be a repetitive comment from him and eventually, caused me to withdraw. I realized that I was not asking any more, that I stopped teasing him, that I was not "playful" anymore. And that made me feel a lot of sadness, as I was hidding something that was so important to me and that I needed so much.
I do not mean that our sex life is inexistent at all. I am just stating that it changed utterly and that I am finding very hard to cope this new state of things. From being very playful and naughty, from being very sensual, we are now like noun and priest, only making love sporadically.
I know that some women report changes in their sex drive during pregnancy, from experimenting a tendency to be lower to a dramatic increase. Obviously, the second, is due to the changes in hormones that your body goes through in order to support the pregnancy, increasing the amount of progesterone in your bloodstream. I can not say this dramatic increase is my case. I prefer to think that I am a woman who enjoys sex and I am not passive about it, not really obssesed with it, but I am learning to be open and express my needs and desires and this makes me feel a lot better with myself. So even when I could be more enthusiastic than the average, I consider myself normal.
As a consequence of my husband's suddenly lack of interest, I started to have a hard time dealing with my new image: my breasts are growing, my belly is becoming roooouuuuunder, I am putting weight and feeling "sexy" or just attactive is becoming unreachable. No way, mainting a positive and confident body image is tough.
While I heard that many men find pregnant women very sexy in their new curves (my friend J, thinks that pregnancy only enhances women sexual attraction!!!) seems that it is not the same for C.
I believe I am tolerant, because I am aware that men's sex drive may also fluctuates. The problem is that I was expecting him to experiment a renewed sense of closeness with me now that I am pregnant, and as a result a more fulfilling sex. On the other hand, he lost his desire and motivation for sex... with me.
C is a very sensual being. I am aware that this huge change is exclusively with reference to his attitude towards me. His usual habit of looking for porn in the internet haven't changed at all, and I guess nor his usual masturbation. This activitty was something that we used to enjoy together, and it did work very well to enhance our intimacy or just for fun. At the moment we are not sharing this anymore but he is doing it daily on his own.
This fact is also affecting me immensily as all that I can see is that in his mind there's only place for his fantasies and for all those beautiful women on the screen, while I am only feeling more and more ackward in my new shape.
He doesn't seem to notice my misery, but again, I don't have the strenght or the confidence to talk to him about it, which in a way, makes the whole situation a lot sadder.
So many doubts...
Is he having troubles to reconcile my identity as a sexual partner with my new (and increasingly visible I should say) identity as an expectant mother?
Is he anxious about the burdens of parenthood?
Is he afraid?
Is he indifferent?
Where has all the passion gone?
Dealing with so many changes and a few difficult domestic situations kept me away from my blog for more time than I have expected.
I am still experimenting some of the fears and doubts that usually pregnant women experiment at some stage of the pregnancy period. I am still concern about the toxoplasmosis issue and I will probably be until the day I give birth. However, I started to feel better after the first trimester and little by little all those symptoms of fatigue and nausea dissapeared. I am working as usual at the office from 9 am to 6 pm and my daily routine did not change at all, with the exception that I had to give up acting for a while as I bear a noticeable tummy already.
I've been visiting the doctor monthly, doing the usual health tests and routinary scans and everything is perfect. The doctor said I am very healthy and I am a very positive person, so he asked me to watch my weight and go on with my usual activities.
Everything seems to be under control.
However, there's something that has been bothering me, making me feel miserable, moody and agressive, and this has to do with my current sex life.
I was very aware that there were going to be changes in our sex life.
I was never concerned about this in my two previous pregnancies, because sex with my previous partner (the father of my two kids) was disastrous and I did not care at all how he might had seen me. The problem was not my pregnancies but the absolutely lack of chemestry between us, our minds were never connected, needless to say our bodies were the same.
Since I met C, all that he gave me was the possibility to enjoy my sexuality, to feel free to express myself sexually and not to be ashamed about it, and above all, he was happy to share this with me. I realize how signifcant, how important his attitude has been to me, I felt that, now in my 30's, I was experimenting a sexual awakening. Due to this, now that I am pregnant, I do need to feel that I am accepted in this "new body". Also I need C to be involved emotionally. It will be his first experience as a father. I would like him to enjoy this period, it's an oportunity not to be missed.
I truly believe that open communication is the key, try to keep an honest dialogue. I do not know why I do struggle so much, why I've been finding it so difficult to talk to my husband about what I need or what I want. Maybe because I am a bit embarassed of hearing the same comment from him: "you are one track mind". Some time ago, this label used to be kind of funny and I used to feel "proud" about such stament, but lately turned to be a repetitive comment from him and eventually, caused me to withdraw. I realized that I was not asking any more, that I stopped teasing him, that I was not "playful" anymore. And that made me feel a lot of sadness, as I was hidding something that was so important to me and that I needed so much.
I do not mean that our sex life is inexistent at all. I am just stating that it changed utterly and that I am finding very hard to cope this new state of things. From being very playful and naughty, from being very sensual, we are now like noun and priest, only making love sporadically.
I know that some women report changes in their sex drive during pregnancy, from experimenting a tendency to be lower to a dramatic increase. Obviously, the second, is due to the changes in hormones that your body goes through in order to support the pregnancy, increasing the amount of progesterone in your bloodstream. I can not say this dramatic increase is my case. I prefer to think that I am a woman who enjoys sex and I am not passive about it, not really obssesed with it, but I am learning to be open and express my needs and desires and this makes me feel a lot better with myself. So even when I could be more enthusiastic than the average, I consider myself normal.
As a consequence of my husband's suddenly lack of interest, I started to have a hard time dealing with my new image: my breasts are growing, my belly is becoming roooouuuuunder, I am putting weight and feeling "sexy" or just attactive is becoming unreachable. No way, mainting a positive and confident body image is tough.
While I heard that many men find pregnant women very sexy in their new curves (my friend J, thinks that pregnancy only enhances women sexual attraction!!!) seems that it is not the same for C.
I believe I am tolerant, because I am aware that men's sex drive may also fluctuates. The problem is that I was expecting him to experiment a renewed sense of closeness with me now that I am pregnant, and as a result a more fulfilling sex. On the other hand, he lost his desire and motivation for sex... with me.
C is a very sensual being. I am aware that this huge change is exclusively with reference to his attitude towards me. His usual habit of looking for porn in the internet haven't changed at all, and I guess nor his usual masturbation. This activitty was something that we used to enjoy together, and it did work very well to enhance our intimacy or just for fun. At the moment we are not sharing this anymore but he is doing it daily on his own.
This fact is also affecting me immensily as all that I can see is that in his mind there's only place for his fantasies and for all those beautiful women on the screen, while I am only feeling more and more ackward in my new shape.
He doesn't seem to notice my misery, but again, I don't have the strenght or the confidence to talk to him about it, which in a way, makes the whole situation a lot sadder.
So many doubts...
Is he having troubles to reconcile my identity as a sexual partner with my new (and increasingly visible I should say) identity as an expectant mother?
Is he anxious about the burdens of parenthood?
Is he afraid?
Is he indifferent?
Where has all the passion gone?
Friday, June 23, 2006
Oh Baby...
I am nearly 4 months pregnant.
Since my last post, the succession of events gave me no time to take some breath and digest all the changes to come.
Needless to say, we were very happy with the news. Since C and me decided to have a life together, we'd discussed many times before the possibility of having a kid. I was very aware of the fact that my age was an issue, as I am in my late 30s, and I said to my husband that once the decision is taken we couldn't wait long. I was also concerned about not being able of getting pregnant easily. With my previous partner, the father of my two kids, it really was quite easy. But I had no idea how C and I could work together. Well, seems that we work pretty well, as in a short while, I started to feel the sympthoms.
I do not bear strong sickness during my pregnancies but I do experiment the hormonal turmoil, a sudden lack of energy and an unavoidable sleepness. During the first three months I could not stop yawning not matter how much sleep I had the night before. These inconvenients have a tendency to vanish by the fourth month, and I hope this time won't be different (fingers crossed).
Certain issues according to my new condition have been occupying my mind:
The physical changes of my body.... or how C would react to them.
I don't put that much weight on me but I do develop a big tummy and I've been wondering if he would adapt easily to my new shape. Let's face it... pregnant women do not look exactly "sexy"...
My friend J has an exactly opposite opinion about this, in fact he said that he thinks pregnant women look really sexy and sensual... hmmm maybe he was just trying to say something nice to me? Thank you J, I really appreciate it... but pregnant women "sexy"?????
I do worry about how C could see me, and which would be his attitude. It is his first experience and at the moment, I think he is still overwhelmed by the new situation.
Toxoplasmosis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis#Risk_factors
As you know, we have 4 cats living with us in the house.
My blood tests confirmed that I am negative to the toxoplasmosis virus. That means that I've never been infected with the virus, hence I am not inmune and the risk would be to get the infection when pregnant. I am scared to death about this and I am aware that this issue is affecting a lot my moods and also my relationship with C (as he has a spot for cats).
At the moment, I am trying to deal with this without being too paranoid. However, I can not help being concerned. I have been puting a lot of pressure on me because I feel I have the responsibility to look after my baby's health and eventualy my own. I would like to be fearless but I am not, and even when I've been taking all possible precautions, I've been tortouring myself about the risks we (my baby and I) are at.
My sex drive
Hope it won't change. Even when sometimes I do feel I am not as energetic as usual, or a bit sick, I am always in the mood. I will surely come back to this issue in future posts.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Acting
This morning I did my first casting/audition for a movie.
I haven't explained yet that at the end of last year I took my first steps into acting. The possibility came to me by chance and I was so attracted to the idea that I couldn't refuse the invitation to join this independent group which has been in the circuit for more than 50 years.
Particularities of this company:
- it was founded by a group of theatre enthusiasts 56 years ago.
- it developed into the first Independent Theatrical Company in this country.
- it became the longest-lived English-speaking amateur dramatics society in South America.
- the Society has so far publicly presented a total of more than a hundred different plays ranging from Victorian melodrama to slap-stick comedy, thrillers to romantic pieces.
- the group has grown from a small nomadic troupe, rehearsing in members' living-rooms and presenting the productions in contacted theatres; till in 1986 moved into their own venue -an old house converted into a theatre, a workshop and a English Pub (with a barbacue in the garden!).
I made my first contact with them same period C moved to live with us as I considered it a great possibility for him to stay in touch with the English community and to interact with other people in his own language, without the hurdles of trying to communicate in Spanish that he couldn´t speak at all.
All the group was very welcoming, fun people, nice food, good drinks and a warm environment. Not long after we met them, C gave an acoustic concert at the pub and later they didn't find it too hard to convice me to join them for a new production.
My first performance with them was last March with a dramma. Only 3 women on stage and I was one of them. The experience was amazing. The process of preparing the play was hard work but a lot of fun too. However, I was not sure of my feelings about acting until the night of the first performance. Two minutes before entering the stage I was terryfied; the next two minutes on stage I was already enjoying it, the adrenaline running inside my veins, and what was more satisfaying, I could sense that the audience was enjoying it too. I felt that I had it in my hands. It was a great success, and I my thought was "now that I have tried, that I have started, now I won't be able to stop".
And I haven't.
At the moment, we are working on a new production to be presented on the last 3 week-ends of June, with performances Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
Last week, when we were rehearsing at the centre we had a meeting with these canadian guys who were looking for new talents (English- speakers actors). They explained to us that the movie is a comedy coproduced by Canada and my country in an attempt to give a new breath to the film industry in this part of the world.
They asked us if we would like to be part of the project and they stayed to see us rehearse. When we finished, they took us pictures and asked for our contact details. A week later, they contacted me to do this casting/audition.
When I arrived, there were many people already awaiting for their turn. I recognised some of them as television actors and a couple of commedians. Some of them were already learning lines, some others were doing vocal excercises. I announced myself with the person in charge and she said to me that they would explain me my role when they call me.
Fantastic: I would have to "improvise" a situation. Something that, for a couple of reasons, I am not good at:
1. I am not a trained actress yet.
2. My experience in acting is very poor!
However, I thought, "I am here already, I will do my best".
15 minutes later they called me to the set. I had to improvise a funny conversation with the main actor. They only gave me two clues: he was a pop star, I was the make up girl, excited by his presence and wanting to gossip all about his life. It was fun to do, the guy was very nice and funny too... but let's face it, I was not prepared for it. I was not confident enough about myself and even when I could hear some laughs from the rest of the crew watching, the situation was not hilarious.
I am content enough that I did it. The experience was a good one, but the opportunity came to me in the wrong moment. Hopefully, there will be other chances in the near future.
I haven't explained yet that at the end of last year I took my first steps into acting. The possibility came to me by chance and I was so attracted to the idea that I couldn't refuse the invitation to join this independent group which has been in the circuit for more than 50 years.
Particularities of this company:
- it was founded by a group of theatre enthusiasts 56 years ago.
- it developed into the first Independent Theatrical Company in this country.
- it became the longest-lived English-speaking amateur dramatics society in South America.
- the Society has so far publicly presented a total of more than a hundred different plays ranging from Victorian melodrama to slap-stick comedy, thrillers to romantic pieces.
- the group has grown from a small nomadic troupe, rehearsing in members' living-rooms and presenting the productions in contacted theatres; till in 1986 moved into their own venue -an old house converted into a theatre, a workshop and a English Pub (with a barbacue in the garden!).
I made my first contact with them same period C moved to live with us as I considered it a great possibility for him to stay in touch with the English community and to interact with other people in his own language, without the hurdles of trying to communicate in Spanish that he couldn´t speak at all.
All the group was very welcoming, fun people, nice food, good drinks and a warm environment. Not long after we met them, C gave an acoustic concert at the pub and later they didn't find it too hard to convice me to join them for a new production.
My first performance with them was last March with a dramma. Only 3 women on stage and I was one of them. The experience was amazing. The process of preparing the play was hard work but a lot of fun too. However, I was not sure of my feelings about acting until the night of the first performance. Two minutes before entering the stage I was terryfied; the next two minutes on stage I was already enjoying it, the adrenaline running inside my veins, and what was more satisfaying, I could sense that the audience was enjoying it too. I felt that I had it in my hands. It was a great success, and I my thought was "now that I have tried, that I have started, now I won't be able to stop".
And I haven't.
At the moment, we are working on a new production to be presented on the last 3 week-ends of June, with performances Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
Last week, when we were rehearsing at the centre we had a meeting with these canadian guys who were looking for new talents (English- speakers actors). They explained to us that the movie is a comedy coproduced by Canada and my country in an attempt to give a new breath to the film industry in this part of the world.
They asked us if we would like to be part of the project and they stayed to see us rehearse. When we finished, they took us pictures and asked for our contact details. A week later, they contacted me to do this casting/audition.
When I arrived, there were many people already awaiting for their turn. I recognised some of them as television actors and a couple of commedians. Some of them were already learning lines, some others were doing vocal excercises. I announced myself with the person in charge and she said to me that they would explain me my role when they call me.
Fantastic: I would have to "improvise" a situation. Something that, for a couple of reasons, I am not good at:
1. I am not a trained actress yet.
2. My experience in acting is very poor!
However, I thought, "I am here already, I will do my best".
15 minutes later they called me to the set. I had to improvise a funny conversation with the main actor. They only gave me two clues: he was a pop star, I was the make up girl, excited by his presence and wanting to gossip all about his life. It was fun to do, the guy was very nice and funny too... but let's face it, I was not prepared for it. I was not confident enough about myself and even when I could hear some laughs from the rest of the crew watching, the situation was not hilarious.
I am content enough that I did it. The experience was a good one, but the opportunity came to me in the wrong moment. Hopefully, there will be other chances in the near future.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Stormy relationships
C's sister, M, is not having a good time.
We are very concerned about the rest of C's family. They all live in England and C misses them immensely. Last time we've seen them was last November when they came over for our weeding and now we communicate often but not as much as we would like to.
M lives with her partner for 7 years and her 18 years-old son, who is about to leave home to live with his father in the South for 2 years as he is starting a music course.
M's partner is a succesfull rally racer and together they built, about 6 years ago, their own company that actually is M's responsibility. When they met 7 years ago, he used to be a millonaire, and M chose then to leave a so-so relationship with a very nice guy, to start a new life with a man who offered her heaven on earth and a posh life.
They agreed to have and "open" relationship.
However, during all these years, she found out repeteadly that he cheated on her many times and that he was not very honest with her. Since I know them, their relationship has been varying, from him being an arshole to being an angel and so devoted to her (according to her changing moods).
Recently, she found out more lies from his part and this made her very upset. But above all, most of the money has gone to pay his addiction to cars. So, suddenly, she finds herself in a situation hard to deal with: she has always lived under the "protection" of wealthy men who would give her anything she wants, she doesn't know how to live on her own and take her own responsibilities, she is too "lazy" to think of making such a huge change in her life style and her cards castle is falling down. Her ups and down were common, but lately her periods of depression were becoming too frecuent and she is back into taking antidepressants. Probably, once again, she will decide to swallow her anger together with the pills and continue building up their weak relation.
As anybody could guess, this is a quick brief of a complex situation and my own point of view from the outside of what I consider a very snob lifestyle. Obviously, C is worried about her sister and her near future or the decisions she may or may not take.
Last night we were discussing how to give her some support and comfort, also considering that there's an ocean between us, and the conversation led us to that thorny issue of C's previous relationships.
He explained once more that he himself was stucked in a unsatisfactory relationship because he was not strong enough as to take decisions and also because, although many important aspects of a fulfilment relationship were missing, "it was not that bad after all".
Again I had to hear that "we shared bills, we shared the house..." (isn't it that a commercial contract? I should have said), "and although, there was no intimacy nor sex, we shared some nice moments..." (oh, that was dropping a hint to me! as he knows I am a sex addict!!!)... and he finally added: "and she did not hate me, well, she hate me a little bit, yes.." (too much!!!).
Still is a mistery for me how human beings can bear this kind of relations, live in such state of resignation and condemn themselves to misery.
Some time ago, C read to me A's diary (his previous partner) and what she wrote about him. To assure himself that what he read was not a nightmare but cruel reality, he had taken pictures of the pages of that journal and kept them in his pc. He didn't want to forget what he found out there.
The night he told me about his discoveries, we were a little drunk. However, it is not possible to forget how awful everything he read to me was. Every word, every expression was charged with rudeness, with misery. Every thought was so painful, so inconsiderate, so offensive. Needless to say, it reflected what her feelings towards C were.
I could imagine how much he might have suffered when he made such discovery, and how hard it might have been for him to remain in silence, with all those bitter words beating his mind and his heart all the time.
Only some months later, after that event, he had the strenght to tell her that he had read the diary and that he knew how she felt about him.
But again, I wondered why he made such decision to go on "sharing" life with a person who despised him so much: a woman who used to spurn him all the time.
I was shockingly surprised to hear that he also wants to keep all these pages of her diary.
He said that he doesn't want to forget.
He said that he wants all this shit to accompany him for the rest of his life.
What it is even more irrational to me, is that I, myself have been living under the shadow ot this woman since C has been here. I had to deal again and again with the fact that he was constantly thinking of her, I had to bear the inmense weight in my heart every time he told me he missed her, I had to survive knowing he was saying to her all the time that he still loved her, that he still needed her.
When I asked C about how we were supposed to look forward as a couple when he was still so involved with the woman who was his previous partner, he replied consistently that I should be proud of him because he could still have positive feelings towards his former partner.
However, I can not help remembering his words when we used to chat on line. All his words when he described to me A and the ill relationship they had, are still on my mind. He suffered so much with her. He said to me how much he desired another attitude from her. How lonely he felt! I remember I cried for him.
I think by then, I was already in love with him. He seemed to me so sweet, so fragile.... and so lonely.
Could it possibly be that despite all that misery, he still "misses" her?
We are very concerned about the rest of C's family. They all live in England and C misses them immensely. Last time we've seen them was last November when they came over for our weeding and now we communicate often but not as much as we would like to.
M lives with her partner for 7 years and her 18 years-old son, who is about to leave home to live with his father in the South for 2 years as he is starting a music course.
M's partner is a succesfull rally racer and together they built, about 6 years ago, their own company that actually is M's responsibility. When they met 7 years ago, he used to be a millonaire, and M chose then to leave a so-so relationship with a very nice guy, to start a new life with a man who offered her heaven on earth and a posh life.
They agreed to have and "open" relationship.
However, during all these years, she found out repeteadly that he cheated on her many times and that he was not very honest with her. Since I know them, their relationship has been varying, from him being an arshole to being an angel and so devoted to her (according to her changing moods).
Recently, she found out more lies from his part and this made her very upset. But above all, most of the money has gone to pay his addiction to cars. So, suddenly, she finds herself in a situation hard to deal with: she has always lived under the "protection" of wealthy men who would give her anything she wants, she doesn't know how to live on her own and take her own responsibilities, she is too "lazy" to think of making such a huge change in her life style and her cards castle is falling down. Her ups and down were common, but lately her periods of depression were becoming too frecuent and she is back into taking antidepressants. Probably, once again, she will decide to swallow her anger together with the pills and continue building up their weak relation.
As anybody could guess, this is a quick brief of a complex situation and my own point of view from the outside of what I consider a very snob lifestyle. Obviously, C is worried about her sister and her near future or the decisions she may or may not take.
Last night we were discussing how to give her some support and comfort, also considering that there's an ocean between us, and the conversation led us to that thorny issue of C's previous relationships.
He explained once more that he himself was stucked in a unsatisfactory relationship because he was not strong enough as to take decisions and also because, although many important aspects of a fulfilment relationship were missing, "it was not that bad after all".
Again I had to hear that "we shared bills, we shared the house..." (isn't it that a commercial contract? I should have said), "and although, there was no intimacy nor sex, we shared some nice moments..." (oh, that was dropping a hint to me! as he knows I am a sex addict!!!)... and he finally added: "and she did not hate me, well, she hate me a little bit, yes.." (too much!!!).
Still is a mistery for me how human beings can bear this kind of relations, live in such state of resignation and condemn themselves to misery.
Some time ago, C read to me A's diary (his previous partner) and what she wrote about him. To assure himself that what he read was not a nightmare but cruel reality, he had taken pictures of the pages of that journal and kept them in his pc. He didn't want to forget what he found out there.
The night he told me about his discoveries, we were a little drunk. However, it is not possible to forget how awful everything he read to me was. Every word, every expression was charged with rudeness, with misery. Every thought was so painful, so inconsiderate, so offensive. Needless to say, it reflected what her feelings towards C were.
I could imagine how much he might have suffered when he made such discovery, and how hard it might have been for him to remain in silence, with all those bitter words beating his mind and his heart all the time.
Only some months later, after that event, he had the strenght to tell her that he had read the diary and that he knew how she felt about him.
But again, I wondered why he made such decision to go on "sharing" life with a person who despised him so much: a woman who used to spurn him all the time.
I was shockingly surprised to hear that he also wants to keep all these pages of her diary.
He said that he doesn't want to forget.
He said that he wants all this shit to accompany him for the rest of his life.
What it is even more irrational to me, is that I, myself have been living under the shadow ot this woman since C has been here. I had to deal again and again with the fact that he was constantly thinking of her, I had to bear the inmense weight in my heart every time he told me he missed her, I had to survive knowing he was saying to her all the time that he still loved her, that he still needed her.
When I asked C about how we were supposed to look forward as a couple when he was still so involved with the woman who was his previous partner, he replied consistently that I should be proud of him because he could still have positive feelings towards his former partner.
However, I can not help remembering his words when we used to chat on line. All his words when he described to me A and the ill relationship they had, are still on my mind. He suffered so much with her. He said to me how much he desired another attitude from her. How lonely he felt! I remember I cried for him.
I think by then, I was already in love with him. He seemed to me so sweet, so fragile.... and so lonely.
Could it possibly be that despite all that misery, he still "misses" her?
Friday, April 21, 2006
Dependence
Last night C went out on his own for a formal coctel party at the school where he teaches English Literature.
He got ready while I still was helping my 9 year-old son prepare homeworks for school.
Literally, I almost melted when I finally saw him walking down the stairs. He looked so elegant, so handsome in his dark suit, his beautiful hazel eyes contrasting with the dark grey shirt.
The evening on my own gave me the opportunity to organize some thoughts.
Many times C said to me how dependent he feels on me for practical, daily events.
Such an irony! He can not imagine that I am the one who is so dependent on him.
I depend on his moods, I depend on his kisses, and I depend on every little piece of the love he wills to give me, to survive, to breath.
I am giving all that I am to this man: I am giving myself to the point of feeling empty, dry. I love him so much that it hurts.
I love him as I've never loved before and my worst nightmare of all it is not the fear of loosing him, but the fear of never ever had him.
I do not want a life without C.
I wouldn't be able to survive, to breath, I wouldn't be able simply to BE if C is not with me. Simply because I will have no desire for living.
I am aware that I have to deal with the shadows of the other previous and still present women in his life. This is difficult enough for me and, although I I work hard to overcome my weakness, my jealousy, sometimes I am not very good at it, sometimes doubts consume me. Doubts about what he needs or what he wants from me. And I am so vulnerable.
I do try to improve this part of me, I try hard to be the person he's always dreamt I could be because I would do anything to make him happy. I just need 100% of him with me for succeeding.
He got ready while I still was helping my 9 year-old son prepare homeworks for school.
Literally, I almost melted when I finally saw him walking down the stairs. He looked so elegant, so handsome in his dark suit, his beautiful hazel eyes contrasting with the dark grey shirt.
The evening on my own gave me the opportunity to organize some thoughts.
Many times C said to me how dependent he feels on me for practical, daily events.
Such an irony! He can not imagine that I am the one who is so dependent on him.
I depend on his moods, I depend on his kisses, and I depend on every little piece of the love he wills to give me, to survive, to breath.
I am giving all that I am to this man: I am giving myself to the point of feeling empty, dry. I love him so much that it hurts.
I love him as I've never loved before and my worst nightmare of all it is not the fear of loosing him, but the fear of never ever had him.
I do not want a life without C.
I wouldn't be able to survive, to breath, I wouldn't be able simply to BE if C is not with me. Simply because I will have no desire for living.
I am aware that I have to deal with the shadows of the other previous and still present women in his life. This is difficult enough for me and, although I I work hard to overcome my weakness, my jealousy, sometimes I am not very good at it, sometimes doubts consume me. Doubts about what he needs or what he wants from me. And I am so vulnerable.
I do try to improve this part of me, I try hard to be the person he's always dreamt I could be because I would do anything to make him happy. I just need 100% of him with me for succeeding.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Justification
Last night C and I had a conversation about the purpose of blogging.
He is starting a blog himself with the idea of commenting and sharing with other people his progresses and techniques referring his guitar playing (at least this would be his main interest, although I guess not the only one).
I teased him: "oh, then, would it be a serious journal instead of a 'dirty' one like mine?".
He questioned me why I would like to write a 'dirty' journal when there are so many people around talking about sex already, meaning 'sex is over rated'...
I explained to C that this journal is not about sex itself but about my life experiences, my thoughts, my beliefs, my concerns, my ramblings and maybe sometime, my imagination. It's only that as sex happens to be quite an important part of my life, it would also deserve some consideration in this blog.
However and above all, writing has in me a liberating effect.
I've been writing on and off, since about 16, at different stages in my life. Little pieces of words here and there that were coincident with meaningful periods of changes or crisis. I found out that writing was (and obviously, still is) like a therapy: I need to do it, it makes me feel good, it calms me down, I learn more about myself, it helps me overcome my miseries, and I am happy when I reread my joyful moments.... and all this, a lot cheaper. So basically, you can say I write for myself. The fact that I am writing in English, which is not my first language, only adds a challange to the already rich experience.
C reminded me that an online journal also means joining a community.
True.
Hence you are bound to have an audience.
Also correct.
I still can share my life with other people but remain anonymous. And who knows, maybe get some interesting feedback from the 'rest of the world' as well.
All of you are welcome.
x
He is starting a blog himself with the idea of commenting and sharing with other people his progresses and techniques referring his guitar playing (at least this would be his main interest, although I guess not the only one).
I teased him: "oh, then, would it be a serious journal instead of a 'dirty' one like mine?".
He questioned me why I would like to write a 'dirty' journal when there are so many people around talking about sex already, meaning 'sex is over rated'...
I explained to C that this journal is not about sex itself but about my life experiences, my thoughts, my beliefs, my concerns, my ramblings and maybe sometime, my imagination. It's only that as sex happens to be quite an important part of my life, it would also deserve some consideration in this blog.
However and above all, writing has in me a liberating effect.
I've been writing on and off, since about 16, at different stages in my life. Little pieces of words here and there that were coincident with meaningful periods of changes or crisis. I found out that writing was (and obviously, still is) like a therapy: I need to do it, it makes me feel good, it calms me down, I learn more about myself, it helps me overcome my miseries, and I am happy when I reread my joyful moments.... and all this, a lot cheaper. So basically, you can say I write for myself. The fact that I am writing in English, which is not my first language, only adds a challange to the already rich experience.
C reminded me that an online journal also means joining a community.
True.
Hence you are bound to have an audience.
Also correct.
I still can share my life with other people but remain anonymous. And who knows, maybe get some interesting feedback from the 'rest of the world' as well.
All of you are welcome.
x
Friday, March 31, 2006
"Picture" my Friday
C went to a farewell party with some work mates leaving me having pizza and icecream with the kids.
Nobody is around now, except the cats which won't stop chasing each other, playing in their frenetic and energetic mood.
I closed the door of the studio to have some peace and quiet to share the rest of my Friday with my blog.
The day started as a any other typical Friday: everybody at the office with that worn out look after having crawled the whole week to rehearse a reborn for the weekend.
The morning was hectic, loads of work and I, as usual, daydreaming. My mind miles away from that desk, and again and again, struggling not to think about the incoming wetness between my legs.
It was then when I found it.
I was lazyly organizing my archives when I rediscovered the audio file enclosed to THAT email.
It was a hot piece of audio that C had produced for me after a mad night. I couldn't (and I didn't want to either) avoid listening to it again... and all what happend that night came back to me...
------
The events of the past months had marked a decisive crisis in my life.
Crisis considered as a change, as a personal growing, as the beginning of a new stage in my existence.
A couple of emails that I had exchanged with C unchained some of the fears and questions I had referring our sexuality.
I still have many doubts and questions.
Probably too many.
However, I had the courage to write down some of my mixed emotions and send them to him, with the hope that C would understand a little bit what was going through my mind.
As a consequence, and thanks that C wanted to be very open to me, we've been discussing a lot how we feel about certain things.
We found out that, in a way, we are similar, and talking honestly about difficult subjects was a huge relief for me.
I think we were both looking forward to discussing our sexual life but couldn't find the way to provoke the conversation. Again, it was me who did the initial attempt, and suprisingly, C admitted that he was waiting for me to start a conversation, as he was expecting a confrontation.
All that time he was arming his defence of his addiction to porn as he suspected I would be angry or furious due to his behaviour.
On the other hand, my reaction to this matter was and still is, a completely different one.
Despite my many doubts and fears (and my "ignorance") I do feel I want to be a companion to C in every aspect of his life. And porn it is an important issue to be considered.
Hence, I prefer to be by his side in this too, instead of "against" him.
This is the main reason, but not the only one.
I am also aware that I do like porn, and that I don't want to hide this from C: both him and me, we deserve to be honest and open with each other. We are adults, we should know how to deal with this in an adult fashion.
I was convinced that the fact that we both enjoy similar activities would add a lot more to our sexual life.
Hopefully, experiencing new things together would enhance our intimacy and we would grow together as a couple. In this sexual aspect of our relationship.
---
Back to our mad night.
Wine usually makes me feel so relaxed, it gives to my body that warm sensation, relieving it of the mundane activities of the day.
We started to watch some naughty movies. I am always amazed at what I see on the screen, it turns me on a lot to watch them with C and to think that he is aroused too.
I was already anticipating naughty games.
I love to play intensely, it is wonderful to get very dirty and push eachother to the extremes.
And then, C said I was his slave, he said I was his toy when he wants me to be. He said he was going to take me and abuse me and force me to do the things that brings him pleasure.
He left me standing there and begun to prepare me: my lesson was about to start.
He bounded me with a tie and blinfolded me and then he prepared himself to look at erotic images and sex videos on the screen. My clothes were removed one by one very slowly until I was completely exposed, vulnerable in my nakedness.
At that point he was naked too.
I knew he was pleasuring himself, stroking his cock, playing with himself, breathing close to me, his breathing becoming faster and faster and I... I started to ache for him. I desired so much his lips on my skin, his hands exploring my body.
But I realized how much he was enjoying dominating me, how much he wanted to control me, how much he wanted me to be his plaything, his slave, and I couldn't help being scared about myself and how I was feeling. Scared of how much I was enjoying being submisseve and also scared as I could not anticipate what was going to happen next. I was in his hands.
I desired so much to fulfill his expectations!
I promised to be a good student, to try hard to learn.
I felt he was hunting me, and I was aching for him. I wanted so much to be the one he desires to cover with savage kisses.
I needed him to say that he wanted me, that he was hungry for me.
I felt an ocean in between my legs.
He was telling me how excited he was, playing slowly with his hard cock, while he was enjoying his porn and watching me there, waiting on his own pleasure.
I knew his thick cock was delicious, I could imagine his balls becoming tight and swollen and I was already moaning, begging for a little bit of it.
He started to finger me, his fingers swimming in my ocean, it was so beautiful. I wanted him to fuck me with his fingers. I love his sexy big hands on my body, his long fingers exploring my pussy.
I was breathing heavily... I was struggling not to beg, his proximity making me shake with anticipation.
With frustration every time he moved away.
His opened mouth reached mine. I eagerly savoured his tongue and then he moved away. He licked and bited my erected nipples.
I desperately wanted to touch my pussy, to feel its wetness, pretending it was him doing so. I wanted him to lick my juices from my fingers.
It felt so good to be his slave, his slut and I wanted him so badly to fuck me.
Instead of that, he decided that I have a nice bottom and that it deserved a good spanking.
The belt would make it.
And there I was, asking for more oh such a pleasurable punishment....
My red and hot bottom was the sign he needed to decide I deserved a better treatment.
And he let me watch what he was going to do next.
He lied on the sofa, his beautiful body exposed to me, his long legs spread, his thick silky cock hard and looking so exciting. I could only think of having this precious dick in my mouth, licking it, sucking it, tasting it and enjoying it so much. However, all those pleasures were not allowed to me yet. His cock was his own gorgeous toy. It was so wonderful to watch him playing with himself, squeezing and strocking his manhood.
And then, suddenly, he creamed his ass and he fucked it with a bottle while my glaring eyes were watching in amazement.
He said that he wanted me to remember that night very well, as there were lots of things we were going to do.
After saying this, he untied me, he grabbed my hair and he pushed me on my knees in front of him.
He let me taste him, I was hungry for his cock.
I savoured both the feeling of his hardness in my mouth and his sweet taste as if it was an erotic mist. My lips caressing every inch of his cock, my tongue tasting as much as I could reach.
With one hand I fondled his balls while the other stroked the root of his cock.
I pulled and sucked on his cock with greed.
I loved to watch him watching me as I moved from the balls all the way up his shaft to the head. I could have spent hours there. However, I stopped just before the point of no return and begged "fuck me"... I wanted to feel him filling me up.
He did it.
He fucked me, hard and fast, sweat pouring from our bodies, our juices passing from one body to the other.
The violence of the fuck was almost animal, but we were both enjoying and I almost shouted out in passion.
The speed became intense and after a while I shouted out in ecstasy when I felt his cum deep inside me and my cum all over his cock.
Beautiful.
---------------
The morning after, I was at the office trying to convince myself that the previous night was for real, when I received a couple of emails from C.
One with the audio he produced for me, inspired in the previous night.
The other one saying that after such a night he was still very horny and playing with himself again. With that email he enclosed lots of pictures of his precious hardened cock.
I desesperately looked for the photos... by the time I finally found them, the wetness in between my legs due to relieving our games was deliciously unbearable.
I have to run to the toilette and... well, that's another story...
x
Nobody is around now, except the cats which won't stop chasing each other, playing in their frenetic and energetic mood.
I closed the door of the studio to have some peace and quiet to share the rest of my Friday with my blog.
The day started as a any other typical Friday: everybody at the office with that worn out look after having crawled the whole week to rehearse a reborn for the weekend.
The morning was hectic, loads of work and I, as usual, daydreaming. My mind miles away from that desk, and again and again, struggling not to think about the incoming wetness between my legs.
It was then when I found it.
I was lazyly organizing my archives when I rediscovered the audio file enclosed to THAT email.
It was a hot piece of audio that C had produced for me after a mad night. I couldn't (and I didn't want to either) avoid listening to it again... and all what happend that night came back to me...
------
The events of the past months had marked a decisive crisis in my life.
Crisis considered as a change, as a personal growing, as the beginning of a new stage in my existence.
A couple of emails that I had exchanged with C unchained some of the fears and questions I had referring our sexuality.
I still have many doubts and questions.
Probably too many.
However, I had the courage to write down some of my mixed emotions and send them to him, with the hope that C would understand a little bit what was going through my mind.
As a consequence, and thanks that C wanted to be very open to me, we've been discussing a lot how we feel about certain things.
We found out that, in a way, we are similar, and talking honestly about difficult subjects was a huge relief for me.
I think we were both looking forward to discussing our sexual life but couldn't find the way to provoke the conversation. Again, it was me who did the initial attempt, and suprisingly, C admitted that he was waiting for me to start a conversation, as he was expecting a confrontation.
All that time he was arming his defence of his addiction to porn as he suspected I would be angry or furious due to his behaviour.
On the other hand, my reaction to this matter was and still is, a completely different one.
Despite my many doubts and fears (and my "ignorance") I do feel I want to be a companion to C in every aspect of his life. And porn it is an important issue to be considered.
Hence, I prefer to be by his side in this too, instead of "against" him.
This is the main reason, but not the only one.
I am also aware that I do like porn, and that I don't want to hide this from C: both him and me, we deserve to be honest and open with each other. We are adults, we should know how to deal with this in an adult fashion.
I was convinced that the fact that we both enjoy similar activities would add a lot more to our sexual life.
Hopefully, experiencing new things together would enhance our intimacy and we would grow together as a couple. In this sexual aspect of our relationship.
---
Back to our mad night.
Wine usually makes me feel so relaxed, it gives to my body that warm sensation, relieving it of the mundane activities of the day.
We started to watch some naughty movies. I am always amazed at what I see on the screen, it turns me on a lot to watch them with C and to think that he is aroused too.
I was already anticipating naughty games.
I love to play intensely, it is wonderful to get very dirty and push eachother to the extremes.
And then, C said I was his slave, he said I was his toy when he wants me to be. He said he was going to take me and abuse me and force me to do the things that brings him pleasure.
He left me standing there and begun to prepare me: my lesson was about to start.
He bounded me with a tie and blinfolded me and then he prepared himself to look at erotic images and sex videos on the screen. My clothes were removed one by one very slowly until I was completely exposed, vulnerable in my nakedness.
At that point he was naked too.
I knew he was pleasuring himself, stroking his cock, playing with himself, breathing close to me, his breathing becoming faster and faster and I... I started to ache for him. I desired so much his lips on my skin, his hands exploring my body.
But I realized how much he was enjoying dominating me, how much he wanted to control me, how much he wanted me to be his plaything, his slave, and I couldn't help being scared about myself and how I was feeling. Scared of how much I was enjoying being submisseve and also scared as I could not anticipate what was going to happen next. I was in his hands.
I desired so much to fulfill his expectations!
I promised to be a good student, to try hard to learn.
I felt he was hunting me, and I was aching for him. I wanted so much to be the one he desires to cover with savage kisses.
I needed him to say that he wanted me, that he was hungry for me.
I felt an ocean in between my legs.
He was telling me how excited he was, playing slowly with his hard cock, while he was enjoying his porn and watching me there, waiting on his own pleasure.
I knew his thick cock was delicious, I could imagine his balls becoming tight and swollen and I was already moaning, begging for a little bit of it.
He started to finger me, his fingers swimming in my ocean, it was so beautiful. I wanted him to fuck me with his fingers. I love his sexy big hands on my body, his long fingers exploring my pussy.
I was breathing heavily... I was struggling not to beg, his proximity making me shake with anticipation.
With frustration every time he moved away.
His opened mouth reached mine. I eagerly savoured his tongue and then he moved away. He licked and bited my erected nipples.
I desperately wanted to touch my pussy, to feel its wetness, pretending it was him doing so. I wanted him to lick my juices from my fingers.
It felt so good to be his slave, his slut and I wanted him so badly to fuck me.
Instead of that, he decided that I have a nice bottom and that it deserved a good spanking.
The belt would make it.
And there I was, asking for more oh such a pleasurable punishment....
My red and hot bottom was the sign he needed to decide I deserved a better treatment.
And he let me watch what he was going to do next.
He lied on the sofa, his beautiful body exposed to me, his long legs spread, his thick silky cock hard and looking so exciting. I could only think of having this precious dick in my mouth, licking it, sucking it, tasting it and enjoying it so much. However, all those pleasures were not allowed to me yet. His cock was his own gorgeous toy. It was so wonderful to watch him playing with himself, squeezing and strocking his manhood.
And then, suddenly, he creamed his ass and he fucked it with a bottle while my glaring eyes were watching in amazement.
He said that he wanted me to remember that night very well, as there were lots of things we were going to do.
After saying this, he untied me, he grabbed my hair and he pushed me on my knees in front of him.
He let me taste him, I was hungry for his cock.
I savoured both the feeling of his hardness in my mouth and his sweet taste as if it was an erotic mist. My lips caressing every inch of his cock, my tongue tasting as much as I could reach.
With one hand I fondled his balls while the other stroked the root of his cock.
I pulled and sucked on his cock with greed.
I loved to watch him watching me as I moved from the balls all the way up his shaft to the head. I could have spent hours there. However, I stopped just before the point of no return and begged "fuck me"... I wanted to feel him filling me up.
He did it.
He fucked me, hard and fast, sweat pouring from our bodies, our juices passing from one body to the other.
The violence of the fuck was almost animal, but we were both enjoying and I almost shouted out in passion.
The speed became intense and after a while I shouted out in ecstasy when I felt his cum deep inside me and my cum all over his cock.
Beautiful.
---------------
The morning after, I was at the office trying to convince myself that the previous night was for real, when I received a couple of emails from C.
One with the audio he produced for me, inspired in the previous night.
The other one saying that after such a night he was still very horny and playing with himself again. With that email he enclosed lots of pictures of his precious hardened cock.
I desesperately looked for the photos... by the time I finally found them, the wetness in between my legs due to relieving our games was deliciously unbearable.
I have to run to the toilette and... well, that's another story...
x
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Me
I live in a small seaside resort, about four blocks from the beach.
It is not exactly an oceanic beach and it is not the place that we choose for holidays, but still is a nice environment, away from the fumes and the polluted air of the city, and we can enjoy huge extensions of sand along the coast for walking and doing excercise.
I am married with an English musician who decided to leave everything behind and move to the unknown just to be with me and start a new life (I should write the story, indeed).
I have a boy aged 9 and a girl aged 6 from a previous relationship.
We also have 4 cats in the house, and two others that come and go, but that appreciate good enough our treatment as to be always on time for lunch and dinner time.
I work as a full time bilingual secretary in a renowned firm specialized in the promotion and development of real estate projects and consultation services for corporations and holdings. This year will be my 12th year with the company and, at the moment, I am considering changing my job. Mainly because I would like to work less hours (I start at 9 in the morning and finish -if lucky- at 6 in the afternoon) and improve my salary... everybody's dream, I guess, work less, earn more... I am part of a team of 25.
Here is a list of some of the things that I do like:
- sex
- reading as much as possible (both Spanish and English)
- movies as much as I can cope
- music: all sorts, from classical to folk, from jazz to pop
- chocolate: in any form, any colour
- I became addicted to mushrooms
- C's food: anything... he is the best cook ever. Perfect and improving...
- sex again. It is never too late, too early, too hot, too cold, I am always up for a fuck (I don't suffer from headaches and... no, I am not too tired either)
- yes, I do like porn. Yes, it does turn me on
- the perfume of jazmines
- C's smell
- my kid's drawings
- acting: working on it
- gosh... I am thinking of sex again
- singing: maybe one day. C says that if I want to do it, I have to train. So at the moment, I am only singing in the shower, and this, if I am not inmerse in other more pleasurable issues...
- red wine and Baileys
I don't bear:
- human mediocrity
- burocracy
- I struggle working so many hours a day in an office, I am a hard worker thou
- I do not believe in politicians
- I am not happy with condoms
- I hate plastic toys for kids
Summertime
It is not exactly an oceanic beach and it is not the place that we choose for holidays, but still is a nice environment, away from the fumes and the polluted air of the city, and we can enjoy huge extensions of sand along the coast for walking and doing excercise.
I am married with an English musician who decided to leave everything behind and move to the unknown just to be with me and start a new life (I should write the story, indeed).
I have a boy aged 9 and a girl aged 6 from a previous relationship.
We also have 4 cats in the house, and two others that come and go, but that appreciate good enough our treatment as to be always on time for lunch and dinner time.
I work as a full time bilingual secretary in a renowned firm specialized in the promotion and development of real estate projects and consultation services for corporations and holdings. This year will be my 12th year with the company and, at the moment, I am considering changing my job. Mainly because I would like to work less hours (I start at 9 in the morning and finish -if lucky- at 6 in the afternoon) and improve my salary... everybody's dream, I guess, work less, earn more... I am part of a team of 25.
Here is a list of some of the things that I do like:
- sex
- reading as much as possible (both Spanish and English)
- movies as much as I can cope
- music: all sorts, from classical to folk, from jazz to pop
- chocolate: in any form, any colour
- I became addicted to mushrooms
- C's food: anything... he is the best cook ever. Perfect and improving...
- sex again. It is never too late, too early, too hot, too cold, I am always up for a fuck (I don't suffer from headaches and... no, I am not too tired either)
- yes, I do like porn. Yes, it does turn me on
- the perfume of jazmines
- C's smell
- my kid's drawings
- acting: working on it
- gosh... I am thinking of sex again
- singing: maybe one day. C says that if I want to do it, I have to train. So at the moment, I am only singing in the shower, and this, if I am not inmerse in other more pleasurable issues...
- red wine and Baileys
I don't bear:
- human mediocrity
- burocracy
- I struggle working so many hours a day in an office, I am a hard worker thou
- I do not believe in politicians
- I am not happy with condoms
- I hate plastic toys for kids
Summertime
Friday, March 24, 2006
Why I am starting this blog
and why it is in English.
I was born in the 60's although I was reborn as a new human being a couple of years ago.
First of all I need to say that English is not my mother tongue and that my first language is Spanish (so, please, be nice!).
I've always felt the necessity to write. It helps me clarify my thoughts, organize my ideas. It is a fantastic tool when I have to deal with problems and also I discover, again and again, that this activity calms me down when I am in the eye of an emotional crisis.
I can cry my tears in "ink" in the form of words. I can draw my miseries and joys in dancing letters on a screen.
Since English is not my first language, I asked myself why I do not want to write in Spanish right now and I found out some important (to me) reasons:
1. Daily life.
My husband (C) is British.
I speak English with my husband, Spanish with the kids, a mixture of both with the cats (4... yes, 4 cats), fortunately we have no dogs, and I do not chat with the ants (yet).
2. Cultural issue.
At the moment, I feel closer to an European (British) culture than the American one (which sometimes could be quite problematic).
3. Emotional charge.
I felt that this "cleaning" activity of myself that I experiment when writing has not the same effect on me when the vehicle is the Spanish language. I sensed that words lack of emotional charge and they don't express efficiently enough my inner thoughts nor my emotions.
Certainly, my feelings, my emotions and the important changes in my life, are "lived" in another language which happens to be not my mother tongue. Of course, this is my personal feeling, I've always thought that the Spanish language is one of the richiest languages. However, I have the impression that words are "weak", they have not enough "texture" and I feel uncomfortable when writing about myself in Spanish. This may sound weird, as I've always been happy with writing, but at the moment, I am in a situation where I wonder which one is my "first" languague anyway.
4. Who may read this blog?
Well, anyone who could read in English.
C's first language is English and he does not speak Spanish, his understanding is improving every day though (thank you kids!).
There will be many things here that will be hard to say, or even difficult to express. And I am also aware that C wouldn't be very happy with some of my thoughts about certain issues I could write here and, no doubt, he will have a different aproach to my concerns, my doubts, my fears, my ideas.
However, this is me, I do have a "dark side", that one you don't want anybody to know about it. I know plain talking makes you vulnerable. It is risky, it is dangerous, but it would be me, facing the world.
Wish me luck
x
I was born in the 60's although I was reborn as a new human being a couple of years ago.
First of all I need to say that English is not my mother tongue and that my first language is Spanish (so, please, be nice!).
I've always felt the necessity to write. It helps me clarify my thoughts, organize my ideas. It is a fantastic tool when I have to deal with problems and also I discover, again and again, that this activity calms me down when I am in the eye of an emotional crisis.
I can cry my tears in "ink" in the form of words. I can draw my miseries and joys in dancing letters on a screen.
Since English is not my first language, I asked myself why I do not want to write in Spanish right now and I found out some important (to me) reasons:
1. Daily life.
My husband (C) is British.
I speak English with my husband, Spanish with the kids, a mixture of both with the cats (4... yes, 4 cats), fortunately we have no dogs, and I do not chat with the ants (yet).
2. Cultural issue.
At the moment, I feel closer to an European (British) culture than the American one (which sometimes could be quite problematic).
3. Emotional charge.
I felt that this "cleaning" activity of myself that I experiment when writing has not the same effect on me when the vehicle is the Spanish language. I sensed that words lack of emotional charge and they don't express efficiently enough my inner thoughts nor my emotions.
Certainly, my feelings, my emotions and the important changes in my life, are "lived" in another language which happens to be not my mother tongue. Of course, this is my personal feeling, I've always thought that the Spanish language is one of the richiest languages. However, I have the impression that words are "weak", they have not enough "texture" and I feel uncomfortable when writing about myself in Spanish. This may sound weird, as I've always been happy with writing, but at the moment, I am in a situation where I wonder which one is my "first" languague anyway.
4. Who may read this blog?
Well, anyone who could read in English.
C's first language is English and he does not speak Spanish, his understanding is improving every day though (thank you kids!).
There will be many things here that will be hard to say, or even difficult to express. And I am also aware that C wouldn't be very happy with some of my thoughts about certain issues I could write here and, no doubt, he will have a different aproach to my concerns, my doubts, my fears, my ideas.
However, this is me, I do have a "dark side", that one you don't want anybody to know about it. I know plain talking makes you vulnerable. It is risky, it is dangerous, but it would be me, facing the world.
Wish me luck
x
November in my life
Last November I married the man I love.
The one who gives me his music every day.
The one who thanks my hands on his body.
The one who makes me cry.
The one who makes me smile with tenderness.
The one I have the necessity to protect.
The one with whom I laugh.
The one who covers my body with kisses.
The one I spy when he sleeps.
The one with beautiful eyes.
The one I want to fuck with.
The one I want to fuck.
The one I long to make love with.
The one I admire.
The one I trust.
The one who is passionate and naïve.
The one who arouses me.
The one with lovely feet and big hands.
The angel face.
The devil.
My friend.
My accomplice.
My lover.
My love.
The one who gives me his music every day.
The one who thanks my hands on his body.
The one who makes me cry.
The one who makes me smile with tenderness.
The one I have the necessity to protect.
The one with whom I laugh.
The one who covers my body with kisses.
The one I spy when he sleeps.
The one with beautiful eyes.
The one I want to fuck with.
The one I want to fuck.
The one I long to make love with.
The one I admire.
The one I trust.
The one who is passionate and naïve.
The one who arouses me.
The one with lovely feet and big hands.
The angel face.
The devil.
My friend.
My accomplice.
My lover.
My love.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Chilhood
They are everywhere.
However, we don't see them anymore. They are part of the city landscape.
We've already got use to them.
They are the kids who stand up everyday at the corners of the streets. The ones who don't go to school. The ones who eat from time to time, and do not wear shoes.
The ones who steal, beg and cry.
People feel pity and are afraid of these kids.
Those are generations already marked, and they will grow marked too.
Those children, probably won't have many options of a future. Those generations have been the subject of many discussions in the Parliament, although not a single practical procedure, no matter the Government in turn.
Those children grow too fast.
Suddenly, they turn into 5, 6 or 12 year-old-adults.
Those kids do not celebrate Children' Day and they do not have Winter Holidays nor Christmas.
Those are children with "stories".
-----------------
S is 10 years old.
No... correction: he believes he is 10 years old.
In fact, this is what he says when someone ask his age. Because S has no identity card. For him, it is better like that. It is better not to exist. It is better to be registered nowhere.
He only knows that he was born at the Pereira Rossell Hospital.
Last time he saw his mother was two years ago, when, as every other day, she left him begging at a corner of a street and she never came back.
He doesn't want to remember the night that followed that day: it was the coldest night he has ever experienced in his whole 10 years of life, or... in the 10 years he believes he is.
Icy, despite of being a September night, it was icy.
The feeling of loneliness and abandomment had reached his bones.
He knows that he fall asleep somewhere. He does not remember it, or he does not want to remind it. Since then, he lives in the streets. There was when he understood that he was alone, completely on his own.
He suspects he has siblings somewhere. He fantasies that sometime, his mother will come back to collect him. He almost believes that this may happen. Almost. He has lost his hopes and expectations a long time ago and, also a long time ago, he stopped thinking of her.
"I've almost forgot her face", he muttered.
As for his father... well... better not to talk about him.
Every day, S is at the same corner in that posh neighbourhood.
He only changes the place ("his stop") depending on the seasons. There are corners more suitable for summer times while others pay much better in winter.
This is what you learn in the streets. He knows that very well. He has already been in the streets for 10 years. Or maybe a little more. Who knows?
What is certain is that NOW he owns an old bag with the "Power Rangers" on it, that he found out somewhere. He also carries a rolled mattress and a big piece of plastic in case it rains.
Full of expectations, he told me that a woman who gives him something to eat from time to time, promised him a pillow.
Full of expectations, he also said that he heard a vague romour about an Emergency Plan that "gives you money for being poor".
However, S does not like charity.
He has no idea what he will be when he becomes an adult.
He wants to learn a trade. He doesn't even think about attending school though: "that is a waste of time", assures me with no trace of doubt at all. With all the confidence of a 10ish-year-old-kid who lives since two years ago, on his own, in the streets.
He also assures me that he hasn't fall that low (yet). He had plenty of offers though.
Some time, not long ago, he tried some drugs. It was not "pasta base": "That one eats you in no time. I've already seen it in many others before".
During the day, he begs for coins. He cleans windscreens, he juggles with two balls or simply, he takes his "shoes" off and he performes what he, himself, describes as a "sad face". This strategy is wonderful for winter time. However, he knows very well that he can go down with an illness, and this is not allowed.
Despite of being a kid -I mean, despite of being a 10 years-old-adult-, he has his own rules. The main rule the streets taught him is the importance of eating something, at least once a day. Something "big", "heavy". If he manages to find this, the day is already paid.
He, himself, says that he has some fairy godmothers he visits from time to time: when things get hard; when nobody opens a window to give him a coin. Then, his fairy godmothers are in charge of giving him something to eat and if it happens to be his lucky day, they would give him old clothes.
Last winter was a tough winter for S. He knows for sure that the more he grows, the less coins he will get. Because nobody will believe his "sad face".
He himself, explained this to me: "people pitied more smaller, younger kids". The streets also taught him that.
He knows that he has to start to think in his future. He doesn't want to steal like others do.
However, nights in the streets are very long.
And extremely cold.
Lonely nights.
No matter the season...
However, we don't see them anymore. They are part of the city landscape.
We've already got use to them.
They are the kids who stand up everyday at the corners of the streets. The ones who don't go to school. The ones who eat from time to time, and do not wear shoes.
The ones who steal, beg and cry.
People feel pity and are afraid of these kids.
Those are generations already marked, and they will grow marked too.
Those children, probably won't have many options of a future. Those generations have been the subject of many discussions in the Parliament, although not a single practical procedure, no matter the Government in turn.
Those children grow too fast.
Suddenly, they turn into 5, 6 or 12 year-old-adults.
Those kids do not celebrate Children' Day and they do not have Winter Holidays nor Christmas.
Those are children with "stories".
-----------------
S is 10 years old.
No... correction: he believes he is 10 years old.
In fact, this is what he says when someone ask his age. Because S has no identity card. For him, it is better like that. It is better not to exist. It is better to be registered nowhere.
He only knows that he was born at the Pereira Rossell Hospital.
Last time he saw his mother was two years ago, when, as every other day, she left him begging at a corner of a street and she never came back.
He doesn't want to remember the night that followed that day: it was the coldest night he has ever experienced in his whole 10 years of life, or... in the 10 years he believes he is.
Icy, despite of being a September night, it was icy.
The feeling of loneliness and abandomment had reached his bones.
He knows that he fall asleep somewhere. He does not remember it, or he does not want to remind it. Since then, he lives in the streets. There was when he understood that he was alone, completely on his own.
He suspects he has siblings somewhere. He fantasies that sometime, his mother will come back to collect him. He almost believes that this may happen. Almost. He has lost his hopes and expectations a long time ago and, also a long time ago, he stopped thinking of her.
"I've almost forgot her face", he muttered.
As for his father... well... better not to talk about him.
Every day, S is at the same corner in that posh neighbourhood.
He only changes the place ("his stop") depending on the seasons. There are corners more suitable for summer times while others pay much better in winter.
This is what you learn in the streets. He knows that very well. He has already been in the streets for 10 years. Or maybe a little more. Who knows?
What is certain is that NOW he owns an old bag with the "Power Rangers" on it, that he found out somewhere. He also carries a rolled mattress and a big piece of plastic in case it rains.
Full of expectations, he told me that a woman who gives him something to eat from time to time, promised him a pillow.
Full of expectations, he also said that he heard a vague romour about an Emergency Plan that "gives you money for being poor".
However, S does not like charity.
He has no idea what he will be when he becomes an adult.
He wants to learn a trade. He doesn't even think about attending school though: "that is a waste of time", assures me with no trace of doubt at all. With all the confidence of a 10ish-year-old-kid who lives since two years ago, on his own, in the streets.
He also assures me that he hasn't fall that low (yet). He had plenty of offers though.
Some time, not long ago, he tried some drugs. It was not "pasta base": "That one eats you in no time. I've already seen it in many others before".
During the day, he begs for coins. He cleans windscreens, he juggles with two balls or simply, he takes his "shoes" off and he performes what he, himself, describes as a "sad face". This strategy is wonderful for winter time. However, he knows very well that he can go down with an illness, and this is not allowed.
Despite of being a kid -I mean, despite of being a 10 years-old-adult-, he has his own rules. The main rule the streets taught him is the importance of eating something, at least once a day. Something "big", "heavy". If he manages to find this, the day is already paid.
He, himself, says that he has some fairy godmothers he visits from time to time: when things get hard; when nobody opens a window to give him a coin. Then, his fairy godmothers are in charge of giving him something to eat and if it happens to be his lucky day, they would give him old clothes.
Last winter was a tough winter for S. He knows for sure that the more he grows, the less coins he will get. Because nobody will believe his "sad face".
He himself, explained this to me: "people pitied more smaller, younger kids". The streets also taught him that.
He knows that he has to start to think in his future. He doesn't want to steal like others do.
However, nights in the streets are very long.
And extremely cold.
Lonely nights.
No matter the season...
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