Monday, July 23, 2007

And the ticket goes to...

... my mother.

What kind of prize is a single ticket to anywhere?

Since I have a family, since I am married with a lovely man with whom I want to share my life and more, travelling on my own made no sense at all.

Finally I had the possibility of changing the destiny to New York instead of the Caribbean. That was something.

Two weeks in New York.

Me, myself and I...

Walking the city, experiencing its people, visiting museums, going to the theatres, running in Central Park...

And I really, really, almost went for it.

But I couldn't.

How can I possible enjoy all this and more without C there with me to share it? Honestly, since we are together he's included in all my plans and viceversa. I need him, I want him, I love him and I don't want to be apart.

We discussed the possibility of a quick visit to NY for a week, meaning that arranging baby Angel to stay with my mother and G and B staying with their father, plus organizing all the domestic mundane issues, like someone looking after the cats, etc..

However, we finally agreed that we want/need to spend the money we have saved in the construction of the barbacue extension (which will cost us more than u$s 10.000) and after this, we should start saving money again for a trip to the UK to visit C's family and friends. (As this will be the most expensive travel ever, because we want to take the kids and baby Angel with us!).

At the beginning American Airlines didn't agree on traspassing the ticket and it obviously had no commercial value.

My aunt insisted on giving me the value of the ticket in case AA finally accepted traspassing it to her. Only then, I realized that if she was considering purchasing a ticket valued in u$s 950,oo to NY, she can eventually afford the trip and the accomodation. It occured to me that my mother would really enjoy this trip with her sister, and if I could pass her the ticket, then she would only have to pay for the accomodation, food and life there.

So I insisted, and insisted, and finally... they accepted.

They are arranging to travel next March! They are both very excited and my mum radiant as she will make one of her life time dreams come true.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

She's got a ticket to "fly"... my baby don't care

Last week I was invited to an annual event organized by American Airlines to promote their new direct flights to the States and the Caribbean.

Me being the secretary of one of the most renowned economist/accountants in the business media, I receive every year an invitation to take part in their activities.

Some time ago, I used to look forward to these parties as it was an opportunity to keep in touch with other secretaries, meet new people, enjoy nice food, usually at very nice places and to have a good time socializing. But some years ago, I noticed that I was doing it just as part of another of my secretarial duties and that in fact, I was not enjoying it as much as I used to. Probably because the other secretary at the firm never missed it and after spending so many hours a day with such a "difficult" person (notice that I am not saying "such a bitch") I felt the urgent need to rush home instead of meet with her again outside the office.

So last year, I was in a rebel mood and decided not to go. And I recall it was the same the year before.

However, when last month I recieved this year invitation, a mate who was also invited whom I appreciate a lot, asked me to accompany her. So I finally accepted.

The event was held at the Sheraton Hotel and it was hosted by the American Airlines' local principal. The food was lovely and we even had a show with dancers entertaining us part of the evening. Nice drinks and some chatting with old mates.

I had planns of leaving at 10ish as on my way back home I had to collect baby Angel at my mum's (already asleep probably). My oldest kids were over at their father's and C was teaching music at home until 8, so I knew he was looking forward to us coming back home.

But there were still some surprises to come.

There were sunglasses, fragances and bags for all of us, and two important prizes: one was a ticket to New York, the other was a ticket to the Caribbean.

29

That was my number!

And that was the number that got the ticket to the Caribbean.

I was very surprised. Firstly because I was distracted involved in a conversation with other two, and secondly because I really don't pay attention to this kind of raffles: I've always thought that everything in my life has to be gained putting a lot of sweat in it and not exactly because fortune was on my side.

But there it was... the 29 shouted on the amps, the tiny yellow piece of paper shaking up in the hand of a blonde airhostess.

Now I just remind you that I am from a tiny county in South America where the chance of travelling to the Caribbean for holidays is saved for a small elite.

Whilst I was already mentally making plans for a family trip to sandy beaches and tropical climates, I was totally aware that my family is formed by 2 adults and 3 kids, and I only had A ticket.

I was in trouble.

The idea of spending some days under a palm beach without my kids was absolutely dismissed. However, I was already toying with a trip to New York with C for a week as an alternative. Why not?

My mother was the first person to know about it when I collected baby Angel from hers. She was totally discouraging: it is not my time to travel, I have three small kids to look after and I was going to spend some money that actually, I don't have. You can say she is a very pragmatic person and very good at shattering my dreams in the twinkling of an eye.

And for a long while I felt really irritated with her, for being so annoyingly rational.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

My job

Since September 1994 I work as a bilingual secretary for an important accounting firm based in the World Trade Center in the capital city. Here I am part of a team of 25.

Established in 1971, the company specializes in shopping center management, the promotion and development of real estate projects (offices, apartment buildings and shopping centers) and consultation services for national corporations and holding companies.

I answer directly to the owner, and in addition to the usual secretarial duties I also perform in a variety of capacities: from scheduling a meeting with the Vice President to arranging a family holiday or booking the gardener. I organize a degree of my bosses domestic life as well as business activities.

I am a hard working professional individual with great deal of integrity and loyalty. In the workplace I am relaxed, confident and very communicative. I enjoy working closely with people, sharing ideas and skills whenever possible. I am used to work under pressure and I am very flexible and adaptive.

When I joined this company was to work as a second secretary for my bosses father, then the Director of the firm, but his unexpected death a month later, put my position under review. My current boss inherited the heavy responsibility of moving ahead the already succesfull family business. He was overwhelmed with the flow of work he was then to reorganize and he thought that I was worth keeping.

All over these 13 years here I've learnt a lot, I grew as an employee but also as a human being. With my work mates I shared important moments in my life: the birth of G and B, my separation, the painful process to overcome my emotional crisis, my joy when I travelled to the UK, my happiness when I finally met C, my wedding, the birth of our Angel. You can say we are big family, and my boss proved to be a charismatic leader.

However, all this time, someone has always been casting a shadow over this (shall I say aparent?) harmony. And mine is the misfortune of sharing the same physical space with this person since then. I am not going to describe here how her aggressivity and bad treatments have been torturing me without a break. Suffice to say that this kind of attitudes or behaviours, in other parts of the world, are treated on court. I am not the exclusive addressee of her shouts, screams and swears: every single person in this office has been systematically, the target of her insults depending on the level of connection their assignments have with hers.

At the moment, the heavy atmosphere and the sensation of oppression is becoming too dense. There are also other important reasons that are encouraging me to search for another job. Firstly, I was trained as a translator so now, I really would like to work as one. I also have the necessity to improve my salary and, above all, I am moved by the challenge of progressing, of learning new things and having new experiences.

The search has to be done cautiously: my boss being an important and an influential member of the business community, I need to act with high degree of composure. My salary is also pretty good for the average labour market. All these reasons added to the fact that this society is struggling to overcome the financial crisis we experimented in 2002, contribute to make this search still more difficult.

I've already applied to a couple of vacancies so far.

The first one was last March at the British Embassy. The position was described under the title "Projects Officer/Translator/Web Editor" and I sensed it was exactly the opportunity I was looking for. However, 15 days later I accidentaly discovered that the job had a name, and that they had a person for that position already.

The second opportunity was at the United Nations Program for America. I applied to the position of "Secretary/Translator" last May and when I phoned yesterday to ask for some information they explained to me that the first selection for interviews was not done yet. So I am highly suspicious that this could be a similar case to the first one.

It is frustrating but I took this decision of moving on, and I am going to stick at it. Because I like the challenge, because I need to progress and because I need to feel content at my work again.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Explanation

I thought the name of my blog wasn't reflecting exactly what you can find here.

I still feel I am some kind of a sex fiend, and my husband says I am a one track mind: I am in a path of self discovery and this also includes a sexual awakening.

However, there are many other subjects that I would also like to explore here. And after all, I haven't been talking much about sex lately. Here you can also find my thoughts about relationships, my concerns, my ups and downs, my projects and whatever it is occupying the rest of my mind that is not busy with sex.

So, I decided my blog needed another name.

Welcome back.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Update

After so much silence (although I've been following my blogger mates' adventures and posting some comments here and there) I managed to organize a little bit my time to try and make an update of the past couple of months.

To put it briefly, either I was too sad or too busy to write or post anything. My last post was about the events in my life during last Easter Week, and for a while I was so upset that I decided not to write in an attempt to stop drowning in my own misery.

It took me quite a long time to rebuild myself after those events. Whilst I continue with my mundane activities, juggling with work, the kids, the family needs and the housework, deep inside I felt something was broken inside of me.

I wanted to be furious, I wanted to hate him for the pain he had caused me. But I couldn't. I was too upset and so dissapointed I couldn't even feel anger. And above all, I was afraid of not being able to heal that bleeding wound.

We had some open, frank conversations. He said to me that he was ashamed of what he had done, he said sorry so many times, that I finally screamed that the appologizes were turning meaningless. Despite all his words, my mind couldn't deal with the idea that what he wrote on that emails was (is?) what he feels for real, and that was for sure, hard to live with.

However I managed.

I managed to recover myself. And finally, I came back.

The last couple of months life has been stressfull. Rushing all the time, dealing with the house work, the kids needs, and restarting the full time job at the office, all that mixed up with sleepless nights.

Me time does not exist at the moment. Trying to reorganize my thoughts proves to be a challenge, and I am afraid, I am not being successfull at all. Even posting something coherent here has been impossible.

Added to that, I do not blog from home but from my pc at the office. The only pc at home is C's, no way that I could use it for blogging purposes. Of course, he would let me use it if extremely neccessary AND... he would also lean over my shoulder while I type. Not that he is curious about what I have to say/write here but he is extremely jealous of his pc. However, even if I have the chance to blog from home, I would be sacrificing my time with the kids and that is exactly what I do not want to do.

So there you are, all my excuses for being so quiet all this time.

Now, I feel the necessity to come back again.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Easter week

So, our holidays week on our own was totally ruined.

I spent the days wandering around the house like a ghost, doing only the necessary to keep my baby happy, while C spent most of the hours in his studio, in between four walls.

By the second night I came back to our bed.

From then, C made love to me every night for the rest of the week while I wouldn't stop crying. I thought that he was trying to show how much he love me. I believed he was making an effort to have me back, trying to express that he was close to me, letting me know he was embracing me in body and soul.

How wrong I was.

As usual, and as many times before, once again I had to be strong. Life must go on. I was so shocked I couldn't take decisions, I couldn't even think clearly, everything was a blur. I made my best to calm down, but the anguish was insuperable. It was impossible to forget what I'd read, how cruel this was to me, it was a deep cut.

I was also concerned about my oldest kids. They were travelling around in a van with their father in that stormy weather and they had phoned home only once during the whole trip. I was missing them so much.

The truth is that I was feeling lonely. The bitterest of all loneliness, the one that eats you up to the bones, that feeling of loneliness you can only experience when in fact, there's another person physically sharing your same space but his soul is miles away from you. I was exactly in that situation and, the only cure I could thought of was that inconditional love that my kids could shower me to give me some comfort. But they were not with me then. The house felt empty, silent... too much silence.

Step by step, we focused on coming back to our routine. We did some shopping, C cooked most of the days and we watched wonderful art docummentaries.

Some time ago, I had gave C a list of movies that I founded interesting to share and he had downloaded some of them. Shortbus (www.shortbusthemovie.com) was in that list and C, who knew no much about it, suggested it next.

Wrong time, wrong movie.

I had my own reasons when I asked for this film. I first read about it here http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006_09_07_archive.html and I was curious after The Girl's comments on it. When I checked the movie site, I found it attractive and the music sounded good. However, I must admit that the sex subject was the main interest. And I was curious about the relationships between all those people through sex.

C and I had some conversations in the past about our sex life and our (different in certain aspects) approach to sex. Mainly due to our very different experiences in this area that undoubtedly marked our lives for bad or for good. I've always had this necessity to feel closer to him and this is why I've been trying to understand his thoughts about sex, about the things that turns him on, even about porn. Because obviously I want to make him happy and I also find I can get my own pleasure in giving him what he wants/needs. So, I've been trying to encourage him to share his fantasies with me as I am convinced this would help a lot to improve our intimacy. Sometimes I've been succesfull, sometimes not. At least, I've worked on being open. I've struggled when I explain to him that I do not judge his masturbatory addiction. On the contrary, I said that it would be nice if we could share this too, BUT I explained to him how rejected I feel when he replaces me for that habit. I think that he still does not understand the difference.

Anyway, I thought that this movie would at least provoque some honest conversation.

And it did.

By the end of the movie he was utterly uncomfortable and dissapointed. He was aggressive and he reproached me why I wanted us to watch something that reflected exactly what we are not. A reality which is so far from ours. He was really depressed and I sensed, angry with me.

I was shocked at his reaction.

"OK it is a movie, it doesn't have to reflect your daily life or your own experiences! Let's accept people intearact in different ways, we don't have to be all the same. I am accepting this diversity and I am open in that way, but it does not mean that I want all this for my own life. However, maybe I agree with some of the situations we saw here."

No way.

He wouldn't listen to me, he was furious. But the worst was to come. Agressively he added: "we've been making love every night this week now, how do you feel? Because I found it very *repetitive*... in fact, we were just *having sex*... I was atonished, once again I felt hurt, and... inadequated.

As I said before wrong moment and wrong movie to watch after so many disturbing days.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Other (sad) side of the same coin

Last Friday, before Easter Holidays, C wrote an email to A (his previous partner). He said this to her:

My dear A,

thanks for the reply. It was really nice hearing from you even though you seem to be having a difficult time. I know how chaotic life can be and I am so sorry for all the bad things that we went through, especially as there were so many sweet times.

I'm glad that we experienced them, the good times that is. I'm glad the last six months were filled with the pleasures we experienced on many different levels because I think back on those now and not how awful it could have been even though the time itself was one of painful transition.

I am still filled with the experiences we had of making love for the first time and the fun games we played together, getting to know each others bodies and minds as if for the first time. I wish in a way I could relive them, but atleast they are in my mind to remind me.

I don't know why it took what it did for us to have those moments. Why we struggled to get to that point, but when we got there it was fantastic, atleast for me.

I say these things because I fear you may have forgotten how good you can feel. Not that you might have forgotten me, but that you can be yourself and have pleasure in your life. You need it and I think you deserve ideserve it also.

I have a week off school next week so finally I can get some rest. I have plenty to do, but atleast no screaming kids other than T (Angel) and no travelling.

I know that we are on opposite sides of the planet and that we are living our own lives now and influencing eachother very little but I want you to know that you are still with me. That your pain and difficulties in life cause me concern. Even if I am not there to do it physically know that I am embracing you and holding you inside me in spirit in the only way I can. In my mind I relive those moments when we made love, so often and I still feel bound to you.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Lots of love
x
C

.......

I have no idea how this email found its way to my pc at the office. Two possibilities: either he sent it by mistake or he meant to do it.

For a while I believed he sent it on purpose to me: when we met in the UK and I was still travelling around, we used to communicate by email. Once he neglected to hide from A one of those beautiful letters filled with sweet words, our expectations and our future plans. When A discoverd it, they had a tough time. Not that she didn't know what was going on between us, but she still had some hopes about building up their relationship.

It was then when she saw that email and so she knew there was not going to be another chance for them.

C said to me then: "It is a hard moment, but I find some kind of relief now, because now, she knows".

When last Friday I got this email addressed to A in my inbox, I recalled immediately his words.

Because now, I know.

That's why I thought he really meant to send a copy to me.

However, when I confronted him he swore he did not mean to send it to me. I guess it was then, some horrible joke of destiny.

And yes, now I know.

The events of the last three years stormed in front of my eyes to finally explode in thousands of distorted images.

Now I know that those six months while I was awaiting him here, looking forward to meeting again to start a new life together, him, in the UK, was making love to A and playing fun games.

Now I know how much he wants to relieve those moments when he made love to her, to the woman who gave nothing for their relationship, to the one who wrote those terrible things about him, the one who despised him so much.

I could read in between those lines how much regret was hidden in those words.

I felt that my present was falling into pieces and that in fact, I have been living in a total illusion.

I was aware of how weak we are as a couple. How this event destabilizes our (should I say "aparent"?) armony that, for other reasons, was already struggling to grow strong.

I reckon we are still learning how to live together as a couple. And that email opened brutally my eyes, showing me a C that I haven't seen before. One who bretrayed me and not only he does not regret what he has done, but he wants to relieve it.

I wish I'd never read that letter. However, there it was, with all its cruelty, making fun of me, mockering of my naivety. How could I ignore it?

I left the office at midday in a turmoil.

I had to meet my mother at hers for lunch and to collect my Angel. In a moment when all that I wanted was to dissapear from this Earth, I had to prove well my acting skills, not to show my mother the hell I was living in.

I made up an awful morning at the office just to try to justify a face contorted with anguish that I found difficult to hide.

My mother forced me to eat and a couple of hours later she let us go. There was a huge storm and I drove all my way home under the pouring rain. I couldn't stop thinking how I was going to react when I see C in the evening.

Later, I collected him at school. I asked him to drive because I was already starting to feel sick and nauseating. We arrived back home just on time to start vomiting. But that didn't help to freeing myself of that disgusting sensation that was eaten me up since early that morning. On the contrary I was feeling more and more vulnerable, more tired, exhausted and utterly sad.

Finally I managed to say to him that I didn't understand why he had sent to me that email he had addressed to A. He was shocked, he swore that he did not mean to send it, and I noticed that he was mentally looking over the text of the email. His handsome features transforming into an horror mask when he realizes what he has done.

From there to what remained of the day I lived a nightmare. He didn't want to talk, he said it was impossible to say anything. I suggested him to go back to England. I said to him that I still have some dignity and that I do not want to live with a partner who craves to relive the moments when he made love to his ex girlfriend.

I said I was giving up.

He didn't leave his room until I pushed him to go to bed.

My two oldest kids were on Easter Holidays for the week with their father so we were on our own with our Angel. When I put him to sleep I also went to bed to my son's room. I couldn't even think of the idea of sharing the bed with C.

For the next three days my eyes were so swollen and irritable after so much crying that I couldn't even wear my contacts. I don't think he notice it though.

My Angel was claiming for attention all the time but I had to ask C to feed him a bottle of some of my own saved milk because I felt uncapable of breast feeding him. For the next two days I used my savings to feed him and I discharged all the milk that I was able to pump: I didn't want to feed my baby with all that sadness and misery.

Tuesday night he forced me to go to bed with him. I couldn't stop crying in distress when he made love to me. He whispered in my ear how sorry he was and how ashamed he was. He said he loved me. But I couldn't listen. How could I ever believe him again? how could I ever trust him again?

..............

I am beginning to think that I appeared in C's life to take vengeance on A. He wanted to do some justice in that painful, ill and unfair (to him) relationship he was stucked in. I appeared then as the tool he needed for that purpose. And with it (me) he changed his destiny.

He has always said to me that he really loved that woman but he couldn't see a future with her. When he met me, he believed I was the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did he use me? Is he still using me? What for? When he writes those things, is he "playing" with both of us? What would happen if our marriage does not work? Is he nurturing hopes in A, without letting her go, so that he would always have the chance to go back to her? Is he expecting an acceptance from her? For different reasons, neither A nor I deserve his attitude.

After three years of living with me, he insists on writing these kind of things to her. He hopes another life is reserved for both of them to be together. So, if I am second in THIS life to him and I can not even pretend "another life", what is left for me then? what can I expect from him? what does he give me? what's his commitment, if there is one, that is?

I gave him some of the most important things he said that he knew it would not be possible to share with her ever: a child, a family, respect, honesty. Despite this, I am afraid that he would be happier if I dissapear. Then he would travel back to England with his son, he would travel back to A. They would probably rebuild the same miserable relationship they used to have.

.......

For a couple of days I had no strenght to leave the bed. However, my baby wanted to be fed, he needed his mum and that was the only thing that counted. I had to be there for him.

The longest and toughest Easter week I ever had was started. And still there was more to come.