tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246006802024-03-07T05:50:16.556-03:00Lady Let's Trials & TribulationsLady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-66503030146968221662007-07-23T15:53:00.000-03:002007-07-25T15:11:26.083-03:00And the ticket goes to...... my mother.<br /><br />What kind of prize is a single ticket to anywhere?<br /><br />Since I have a family, since I am married with a lovely man with whom I want to share my life and more, travelling on my own made no sense at all.<br /><br />Finally I had the possibility of changing the destiny to New York instead of the Caribbean. That was something.<br /><br />Two weeks in New York.<br /><br />Me, myself and I...<br /><br />Walking the city, experiencing its people, visiting museums, going to the theatres, running in Central Park...<br /><br />And I really, really, almost went for it.<br /><br />But I couldn't.<br /><br />How can I possible enjoy all this and more without C there with me to share it? Honestly, since we are together he's included in all my plans and viceversa. I need him, I want him, I love him and I don't want to be apart.<br /><br />We discussed the possibility of a quick visit to NY for a week, meaning that arranging baby Angel to stay with my mother and G and B staying with their father, plus organizing all the domestic mundane issues, like someone looking after the cats, etc..<br /><br />However, we finally agreed that we want/need to spend the money we have saved in the construction of the barbacue extension (which will cost us more than u$s 10.000) and after this, we should start saving money again for a trip to the UK to visit C's family and friends. (As this will be the most expensive travel ever, because we want to take the kids and baby Angel with us!).<br /><br />At the beginning American Airlines didn't agree on traspassing the ticket and it obviously had no commercial value.<br /><br />My aunt insisted on giving me the value of the ticket in case AA finally accepted traspassing it to her. Only then, I realized that if she was considering purchasing a ticket valued in u$s 950,oo to NY, she can eventually afford the trip and the accomodation. It occured to me that my mother would really enjoy this trip with her sister, and if I could pass her the ticket, then she would only have to pay for the accomodation, food and life there.<br /><br />So I insisted, and insisted, and finally... they accepted.<br /><br />They are arranging to travel next March! They are both very excited and my mum radiant as she will make one of her life time dreams come true.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-71851831083912677762007-07-04T16:04:00.000-03:002007-07-09T12:48:03.425-03:00She's got a ticket to "fly"... my baby don't careLast week I was invited to an annual event organized by American Airlines to promote their new direct flights to the States and the Caribbean.<br /><br />Me being the secretary of one of the most renowned economist/accountants in the business media, I receive every year an invitation to take part in their activities.<br /><br />Some time ago, I used to look forward to these parties as it was an opportunity to keep in touch with other secretaries, meet new people, enjoy nice food, usually at very nice places and to have a good time socializing. But some years ago, I noticed that I was doing it just as part of another of my secretarial duties and that in fact, I was not enjoying it as much as I used to. Probably because the other secretary at the firm never missed it and after spending so many hours a day with such a "difficult" person (notice that I am not saying "such a bitch") I felt the urgent need to rush home instead of meet with her again outside the office.<br /><br />So last year, I was in a rebel mood and decided not to go. And I recall it was the same the year before.<br /><br />However, when last month I recieved this year invitation, a mate who was also invited whom I appreciate a lot, asked me to accompany her. So I finally accepted.<br /><br />The event was held at the Sheraton Hotel and it was hosted by the American Airlines' local principal. The food was lovely and we even had a show with dancers entertaining us part of the evening. Nice drinks and some chatting with old mates.<br /><br />I had planns of leaving at 10ish as on my way back home I had to collect baby Angel at my mum's (already asleep probably). My oldest kids were over at their father's and C was teaching music at home until 8, so I knew he was looking forward to us coming back home.<br /><br />But there were still some surprises to come.<br /><br />There were sunglasses, fragances and bags for all of us, and two important prizes: one was a ticket to New York, the other was a ticket to the Caribbean.<br /><br />29<br /><br />That was my number!<br /><br />And that was the number that got the ticket to the Caribbean.<br /><br />I was very surprised. Firstly because I was distracted involved in a conversation with other two, and secondly because I really don't pay attention to this kind of raffles: I've always thought that everything in my life has to be gained putting a lot of sweat in it and not exactly because fortune was on my side.<br /><br />But there it was... the 29 shouted on the amps, the tiny yellow piece of paper shaking up in the hand of a blonde airhostess.<br /><br />Now I just remind you that I am from a tiny county in South America where the chance of travelling to the Caribbean for holidays is saved for a small elite.<br /><br />Whilst I was already mentally making plans for a family trip to sandy beaches and tropical climates, I was totally aware that my family is formed by 2 adults and 3 kids, and I only had A ticket.<br /><br />I was in trouble.<br /><br />The idea of spending some days under a palm beach without my kids was absolutely dismissed. However, I was already toying with a trip to New York with C for a week as an alternative. Why not?<br /><br />My mother was the first person to know about it when I collected baby Angel from hers. She was totally discouraging: it is not my time to travel, I have three small kids to look after and I was going to spend some money that actually, I don't have. You can say she is a very pragmatic person and very good at shattering my dreams in the twinkling of an eye.<br /><br />And for a long while I felt really irritated with her, for being so annoyingly rational.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-18988756368955057632007-06-28T11:07:00.000-03:002007-07-09T12:54:52.544-03:00My jobSince September 1994 I work as a bilingual secretary for an important accounting firm based in the World Trade Center in the capital city. Here I am part of a team of 25.<br /><br />Established in 1971, the company specializes in shopping center management, the promotion and development of real estate projects (offices, apartment buildings and shopping centers) and consultation services for national corporations and holding companies.<br /><br />I answer directly to the owner, and in addition to the usual secretarial duties I also perform in a variety of capacities: from scheduling a meeting with the Vice President to arranging a family holiday or booking the gardener. I organize a degree of my bosses domestic life as well as business activities.<br /><br />I am a hard working professional individual with great deal of integrity and loyalty. In the workplace I am relaxed, confident and very communicative. I enjoy working closely with people, sharing ideas and skills whenever possible. I am used to work under pressure and I am very flexible and adaptive.<br /><br />When I joined this company was to work as a second secretary for my bosses father, then the Director of the firm, but his unexpected death a month later, put my position under review. My current boss inherited the heavy responsibility of moving ahead the already succesfull family business. He was overwhelmed with the flow of work he was then to reorganize and he thought that I was worth keeping.<br /><br />All over these 13 years here I've learnt a lot, I grew as an employee but also as a human being. With my work mates I shared important moments in my life: the birth of G and B, my separation, the painful process to overcome my emotional crisis, my joy when I travelled to the UK, my happiness when I finally met C, my wedding, the birth of our Angel. You can say we are big family, and my boss proved to be a charismatic leader.<br /><br />However, all this time, someone has always been casting a shadow over this (shall I say aparent?) harmony. And mine is the misfortune of sharing the same physical space with this person since then. I am not going to describe here how her aggressivity and bad treatments have been torturing me without a break. Suffice to say that this kind of attitudes or behaviours, in other parts of the world, are treated on court. I am not the exclusive addressee of her shouts, screams and swears: every single person in this office has been systematically, the target of her insults depending on the level of connection their assignments have with hers.<br /><br />At the moment, the heavy atmosphere and the sensation of oppression is becoming too dense. There are also other important reasons that are encouraging me to search for another job. Firstly, I was trained as a translator so now, I really would like to work as one. I also have the necessity to improve my salary and, above all, I am moved by the challenge of progressing, of learning new things and having new experiences.<br /><br />The search has to be done cautiously: my boss being an important and an influential member of the business community, I need to act with high degree of composure. My salary is also pretty good for the average labour market. All these reasons added to the fact that this society is struggling to overcome the financial crisis we experimented in 2002, contribute to make this search still more difficult.<br /><br />I've already applied to a couple of vacancies so far.<br /><br />The first one was last March at the British Embassy. The position was described under the title "Projects Officer/Translator/Web Editor" and I sensed it was exactly the opportunity I was looking for. However, 15 days later I accidentaly discovered that the job had a name, and that they had a person for that position already.<br /><br />The second opportunity was at the United Nations Program for America. I applied to the position of "Secretary/Translator" last May and when I phoned yesterday to ask for some information they explained to me that the first selection for interviews was not done yet. So I am highly suspicious that this could be a similar case to the first one.<br /><br />It is frustrating but I took this decision of moving on, and I am going to stick at it. Because I like the challenge, because I need to progress and because I need to feel content at my work again.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-36607658695562126532007-06-13T15:08:00.000-03:002007-06-13T15:34:19.967-03:00ExplanationI thought the name of my blog wasn't reflecting exactly what you can find here.<br /><br />I still feel I am some kind of a sex fiend, and my husband says I am a one track mind: I am in a path of self discovery and this also includes a sexual awakening.<br /><br />However, there are many other subjects that I would also like to explore here. And after all, I haven't been talking much about sex lately. Here you can also find my thoughts about relationships, my concerns, my ups and downs, my projects and whatever it is occupying the rest of my mind that is not busy with sex.<br /><br />So, I decided my blog needed another name.<br /><br />Welcome back.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-54178146608898882462007-06-07T16:09:00.000-03:002007-07-09T12:56:43.091-03:00UpdateAfter so much silence (although I've been following my blogger mates' adventures and posting some comments here and there) I managed to organize a little bit my time to try and make an update of the past couple of months.<br /><br />To put it briefly, either I was too sad or too busy to write or post anything. My last post was about the events in my life during last Easter Week, and for a while I was so upset that I decided not to write in an attempt to stop drowning in my own misery.<br /><br />It took me quite a long time to rebuild myself after those events. Whilst I continue with my mundane activities, juggling with work, the kids, the family needs and the housework, deep inside I felt something was broken inside of me.<br /><br />I wanted to be furious, I wanted to hate him for the pain he had caused me. But I couldn't. I was too upset and so dissapointed I couldn't even feel anger. And above all, I was afraid of not being able to heal that bleeding wound.<br /><br />We had some open, frank conversations. He said to me that he was ashamed of what he had done, he said sorry so many times, that I finally screamed that the appologizes were turning meaningless. Despite all his words, my mind couldn't deal with the idea that what he wrote on that emails was (is?) what he feels for real, and that was for sure, hard to live with.<br /><br />However I managed.<br /><br />I managed to recover myself. And finally, I came back.<br /><br />The last couple of months life has been stressfull. Rushing all the time, dealing with the house work, the kids needs, and restarting the full time job at the office, all that mixed up with sleepless nights.<br /><br />Me time does not exist at the moment. Trying to reorganize my thoughts proves to be a challenge, and I am afraid, I am not being successfull at all. Even posting something coherent here has been impossible.<br /><br />Added to that, I do not blog from home but from my pc at the office. The only pc at home is C's, no way that I could use it for blogging purposes. Of course, he would let me use it if extremely neccessary AND... he would also lean over my shoulder while I type. Not that he is curious about what I have to say/write here but he is extremely jealous of his pc. However, even if I have the chance to blog from home, I would be sacrificing my time with the kids and that is exactly what I do not want to do.<br /><br />So there you are, all my excuses for being so quiet all this time.<br /><br />Now, I feel the necessity to come back again.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-72805195838888699732007-04-13T17:16:00.000-03:002007-04-27T16:25:31.236-03:00Easter weekSo, our holidays week on our own was totally ruined.<br /><br />I spent the days wandering around the house like a ghost, doing only the necessary to keep my baby happy, while C spent most of the hours in his studio, in between four walls.<br /><br />By the second night I came back to our bed.<br /><br />From then, C made love to me every night for the rest of the week while I wouldn't stop crying. I thought that he was trying to show how much he love me. I believed he was making an effort to have me back, trying to express that he was close to me, letting me know he was embracing me in body and soul.<br /><br />How wrong I was.<br /><br />As usual, and as many times before, once again I had to be strong. Life must go on. I was so shocked I couldn't take decisions, I couldn't even think clearly, everything was a blur. I made my best to calm down, but the anguish was insuperable. It was impossible to forget what I'd read, how cruel this was to me, it was a deep cut.<br /><br />I was also concerned about my oldest kids. They were travelling around in a van with their father in that stormy weather and they had phoned home only once during the whole trip. I was missing them so much.<br /><br />The truth is that I was feeling lonely. The bitterest of all loneliness, the one that eats you up to the bones, that feeling of loneliness you can only experience when in fact, there's another person physically sharing your same space but his soul is miles away from you. I was exactly in that situation and, the only cure I could thought of was that inconditional love that my kids could shower me to give me some comfort. But they were not with me then. The house felt empty, silent... too much silence.<br /><br />Step by step, we focused on coming back to our routine. We did some shopping, C cooked most of the days and we watched wonderful art docummentaries.<br /><br />Some time ago, I had gave C a list of movies that I founded interesting to share and he had downloaded some of them. Shortbus (<a href="http://www.shortbusthemovie.com">www.shortbusthemovie.com</a>) was in that list and C, who knew no much about it, suggested it next.<br /><br />Wrong time, wrong movie.<br /><br />I had my own reasons when I asked for this film. I first read about it here <a href="http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006_09_07_archive.html">http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006_09_07_archive.html</a> and I was curious after The Girl's comments on it. When I checked the movie site, I found it attractive and the music sounded good. However, I must admit that the sex subject was the main interest. And I was curious about the relationships between all those people through sex.<br /><br />C and I had some conversations in the past about our sex life and our (different in certain aspects) approach to sex. Mainly due to our very different experiences in this area that undoubtedly marked our lives for bad or for good. I've always had this necessity to feel closer to him and this is why I've been trying to understand his thoughts about sex, about the things that turns him on, even about porn. Because obviously I want to make him happy and I also find I can get my own pleasure in giving him what he wants/needs. So, I've been trying to encourage him to share his fantasies with me as I am convinced this would help a lot to improve our intimacy. Sometimes I've been succesfull, sometimes not. At least, I've worked on being open. I've struggled when I explain to him that I do not judge his masturbatory addiction. On the contrary, I said that it would be nice if we could share this too, BUT I explained to him how rejected I feel when he replaces me for that habit. I think that he still does not understand the difference.<br /><br />Anyway, I thought that this movie would at least provoque some honest conversation.<br /><br />And it did.<br /><br />By the end of the movie he was utterly uncomfortable and dissapointed. He was aggressive and he reproached me why I wanted us to watch something that reflected exactly what we are not. A reality which is so far from ours. He was really depressed and I sensed, angry with me.<br /><br />I was shocked at his reaction.<br /><br />"OK it is a movie, it doesn't have to reflect your daily life or your own experiences! Let's accept people intearact in different ways, we don't have to be all the same. I am accepting this diversity and I am open in that way, but it does not mean that I want all this for my own life. However, maybe I agree with some of the situations we saw here."<br /><br />No way.<br /><br />He wouldn't listen to me, he was furious. But the worst was to come. Agressively he added: "we've been making love every night this week now, how do you feel? Because I found it very *repetitive*... in fact, we were just *having sex*... I was atonished, once again I felt hurt, and... inadequated.<br /><br />As I said before wrong moment and wrong movie to watch after so many disturbing days.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-22692542376438978992007-04-11T12:53:00.000-03:002007-07-19T16:21:39.811-03:00Other (sad) side of the same coinLast Friday, before Easter Holidays, C wrote an email to A (his previous partner). He said this to her:<br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">My dear A, </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">thanks for the reply. It was really nice hearing from you even though you seem to be having a difficult time. I know how chaotic life can be and I am so sorry for all the bad things that we went through, especially as there were so many sweet times. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I'm glad that we experienced them, the good times that is. I'm glad the last six months were filled with the pleasures we experienced on many different levels because I think back on those now and not how awful it could have been even though the time itself was one of painful transition. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I am still filled with the experiences we had of making love for the first time and the fun games we played together, getting to know each others bodies and minds as if for the first time. I wish in a way I could relive them, but atleast they are in my mind to remind me. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I don't know why it took what it did for us to have those moments. Why we struggled to get to that point, but when we got there it was fantastic, atleast for me. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I say these things because I fear you may have forgotten how good you can feel. Not that you might have forgotten me, but that you can be yourself and have pleasure in your life. You need it and I think you deserve ideserve it also. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I have a week off school next week so finally I can get some rest. I have plenty to do, but atleast no screaming kids other than T (Angel) and no travelling. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I know that we are on opposite sides of the planet and that we are living our own lives now and influencing eachother very little but I want you to know that you are still with me. That your pain and difficulties in life cause me concern. Even if I am not there to do it physically know that I am embracing you and holding you inside me in spirit in the only way I can. In my mind I relive those moments when we made love, so often and I still feel bound to you. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Looking forward to hearing from you soon. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Lots of love </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">x</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">C<br /><br /></span></em>.......<br /><br />I have no idea how this email found its way to my pc at the office. Two possibilities: either he sent it by mistake or he meant to do it.<br /><br />For a while I believed he sent it on purpose to me: when we met in the UK and I was still travelling around, we used to communicate by email. Once he neglected to hide from A one of those beautiful letters filled with sweet words, our expectations and our future plans. When A discoverd it, they had a tough time. Not that she didn't know what was going on between us, but she still had some hopes about building up their relationship.<br /><br />It was then when she saw that email and so she knew there was not going to be another chance for them.<br /><br />C said to me then: "It is a hard moment, but I find some kind of relief now, because now, she knows".<br /><br />When last Friday I got this email addressed to A in my inbox, I recalled immediately his words.<br /><br />Because now, I know.<br /><br />That's why I thought he really meant to send a copy to me.<br /><br />However, when I confronted him he swore he did not mean to send it to me. I guess it was then, some horrible joke of destiny.<br /><br />And yes, now I know.<br /><br />The events of the last three years stormed in front of my eyes to finally explode in thousands of distorted images.<br /><br />Now I know that those six months while I was awaiting him here, looking forward to meeting again to start a new life together, him, in the UK, was making love to A and playing fun games.<br /><br />Now I know how much he wants to relieve those moments when he made love to her, to the woman who gave nothing for their relationship, to the one who wrote those terrible things about him, the one who despised him so much.<br /><br />I could read in between those lines how much regret was hidden in those words.<br /><br />I felt that my present was falling into pieces and that in fact, I have been living in a total illusion.<br /><br />I was aware of how weak we are as a couple. How this event destabilizes our (should I say "aparent"?) armony that, for other reasons, was already struggling to grow strong.<br /><br />I reckon we are still learning how to live together as a couple. And that email opened brutally my eyes, showing me a C that I haven't seen before. One who bretrayed me and not only he does not regret what he has done, but he wants to relieve it.<br /><br />I wish I'd never read that letter. However, there it was, with all its cruelty, making fun of me, mockering of my naivety. How could I ignore it?<br /><br />I left the office at midday in a turmoil.<br /><br />I had to meet my mother at hers for lunch and to collect my Angel. In a moment when all that I wanted was to dissapear from this Earth, I had to prove well my acting skills, not to show my mother the hell I was living in.<br /><br />I made up an awful morning at the office just to try to justify a face contorted with anguish that I found difficult to hide.<br /><br />My mother forced me to eat and a couple of hours later she let us go. There was a huge storm and I drove all my way home under the pouring rain. I couldn't stop thinking how I was going to react when I see C in the evening.<br /><br />Later, I collected him at school. I asked him to drive because I was already starting to feel sick and nauseating. We arrived back home just on time to start vomiting. But that didn't help to freeing myself of that disgusting sensation that was eaten me up since early that morning. On the contrary I was feeling more and more vulnerable, more tired, exhausted and utterly sad.<br /><br />Finally I managed to say to him that I didn't understand why he had sent to me that email he had addressed to A. He was shocked, he swore that he did not mean to send it, and I noticed that he was mentally looking over the text of the email. His handsome features transforming into an horror mask when he realizes what he has done.<br /><br />From there to what remained of the day I lived a nightmare. He didn't want to talk, he said it was impossible to say anything. I suggested him to go back to England. I said to him that I still have some dignity and that I do not want to live with a partner who craves to relive the moments when he made love to his ex girlfriend.<br /><br />I said I was giving up.<br /><br />He didn't leave his room until I pushed him to go to bed.<br /><br />My two oldest kids were on Easter Holidays for the week with their father so we were on our own with our Angel. When I put him to sleep I also went to bed to my son's room. I couldn't even think of the idea of sharing the bed with C.<br /><br />For the next three days my eyes were so swollen and irritable after so much crying that I couldn't even wear my contacts. I don't think he notice it though.<br /><br />My Angel was claiming for attention all the time but I had to ask C to feed him a bottle of some of my own saved milk because I felt uncapable of breast feeding him. For the next two days I used my savings to feed him and I discharged all the milk that I was able to pump: I didn't want to feed my baby with all that sadness and misery.<br /><br />Tuesday night he forced me to go to bed with him. I couldn't stop crying in distress when he made love to me. He whispered in my ear how sorry he was and how ashamed he was. He said he loved me. But I couldn't listen. How could I ever believe him again? how could I ever trust him again?<br /><br />..............<br /><br />I am beginning to think that I appeared in C's life to take vengeance on A. He wanted to do some justice in that painful, ill and unfair (to him) relationship he was stucked in. I appeared then as the tool he needed for that purpose. And with it (me) he changed his destiny.<br /><br />He has always said to me that he really loved that woman but he couldn't see a future with her. When he met me, he believed I was the light at the end of the tunnel.<br /><br />Did he use me? Is he still using me? What for? When he writes those things, is he "playing" with both of us? What would happen if our marriage does not work? Is he nurturing hopes in A, without letting her go, so that he would always have the chance to go back to her? Is he expecting an acceptance from her? For different reasons, neither A nor I deserve his attitude.<br /><br />After three years of living with me, he insists on writing these kind of things to her. He hopes another life is reserved for both of them to be together. So, if I am second in THIS life to him and I can not even pretend "another life", what is left for me then? what can I expect from him? what does he give me? what's his commitment, if there is one, that is?<br /><br />I gave him some of the most important things he said that he knew it would not be possible to share with her ever: a child, a family, respect, honesty. Despite this, I am afraid that he would be happier if I dissapear. Then he would travel back to England with his son, he would travel back to A. They would probably rebuild the same miserable relationship they used to have.<br /><br />.......<br /><br />For a couple of days I had no strenght to leave the bed. However, my baby wanted to be fed, he needed his mum and that was the only thing that counted. I had to be there for him.<br /><br />The longest and toughest Easter week I ever had was started. And still there was more to come.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-57833381807593446452007-03-30T12:38:00.000-03:002007-04-11T12:53:14.600-03:00Terminal 2 (part II)Not long ago, C wrote a song for me.<br /><br />I would like to share it with all of you.<br /><br />(if ....someone can help me and explain to me how to insert an audio file here?)<br /><br />Thanks a lot.<br /><br />xLady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-40245220778002603062007-03-14T12:32:00.000-03:002007-04-11T12:51:53.150-03:00Terminal 2 (part I)A day like today but three years ago I was arriving at Terminal 2 of Manchester Airport.<br /><br />That day, I met C for real.<br /><br />I had already met him previously, when two years before that date, I was planning my trip around the UK.<br /><br />Here is the story.<br />................................................................................................................................................................<br /><br />I split up with my previous partner and father of my two oldest kids when B, my daughter, was not even 1 year old.<br /><br />After fifteen years of being -and growing- together, the separation was a shock for my family and everybody around me. People used to think we were a couple in perfect armony. Far from that, and despite all the time we were together, we were like strangers and I was feeling more and more lonely and isolated. But that is part of another story that I am not going to remember now.<br /><br />Suddenly but not surprisingly for me, I was really on my own. It was just me and my two kids. I overcame tough moments, I grew stronger, I learnt. The experience of having to deal with that turbulent period in my life, made me a lot more independent. I had the necessity of building up my self steem, I had to take decisions on my own. I went on a therapy and eventually, I was aware I started to feel lighter, I realized how heavy the burden of that relationship was to me.<br /><br />Wind of changes.<br /><br />During the next couple of years I became another person. The one I almost had forgotten I used to be and, one day, I noticed there was a huge smile again back on my face.<br /><br />The kids were growing and accepting well our separation and I started to think it was my time to organize this trip I had always dreamt of.<br /><br />Destiny: England, Ireland, Scotland.<br /><br />Two months around the UK on my own.<br /><br />I spent months studying and deciding places, days. I didn't want the typical UK for tourists. My idea was to spend those weeks as much as any other local british as possible. I wanted to live their culture, to relieve its past through its rich history and to experience the present to the most.<br /><br />I was continuosly checking on the web places to visit, deciding where to stay, how to travel from here to there, etc..<br /><br />Because a good friend of mine had insisted, I had installed the ICQ programme on my pc to communicate with a common friend abroad. To be honest, I founded the whole concept very silly, superfluous, almost useless.<br /><br />However, there I was, organizing my travel to the UK and... just for fun and because the ICQ was open, I made some research...<br /><br />I thought that if I was lucky, someone may help me with some aspects of my trip that still were a bit in the dark. However, deep inside, I was almost challenging that programme to do something useful to me. I was incredulous, I wanted to justify the space it was occupying in my pc.<br /><br />My key words for that search were: music, art, painting, creativity (in that order).<br /><br />I pressed the search botton.<br /><br />The first person in a long list was C.<br /><br />And the green daisy indicated he was online.<br /><br />I gave it a go and sent him a message introducing myself, saying where I was and explaining briefly why I was contacting him. I don't know why, I was expecting no reply from the other side ("this <em>thing</em> won't work"). But in no time, his reply was there, on the screen, in front of my eyes.<br /><br />In his message he said that amazingly, exactly in that moment, he was listening to a piece of music by Pat Metheney named after the city where I live. I was convinced of how meaningful was that a person from the other side of the world, and at that same instant, was listening to something related to this tiny, insignificant city. It surely had to be a sign, it was destiny...<br /><br />And that was the beginning of everything.<br /><br />My travelling plans had to be postponed as some issues concerning my family had to be solve first, like meeting for the first time a 18 years-old half sister and dealing with the death of a father who I had not seen since I was a child. (I am quite serious when I say that sometimes I have the feeling I am trapped in an Almodovar's movie!).<br /><br />The following couple of years, C and I used to talk online almost everyday. We discussed art, we share music, we talked about movies and books, but we also got to know each other and as time went by our friendship started to grow stronger.<br /><br />He let me know he was in a relationship of 7 years, and he also let me know how unhappy he was in it.<br /><br />Finally everything was arranged and I was ready to travel. My kids alternating their father's and my own home with my mum. The date for the beginning of the trip was deeply analysed. I decided March as the temperature is a lot milder in the UK, also by that time, the kids had just restarted school and they were back to their rutine and that would help them handle my ausence.<br /><br />For my finances, it was convenient to visit London first. However, 16th March is C's birthday and I thought meeting C for his birthday was a nice choice. So I changed my plans and from Heathrow I took a British Middlands flight to meet C in Manchester.<br /><br />It is difficult to explain the sensations I was experiencing then. Basically I was anxious and enthusiastic as I was going to meet my friend and I was also excited of finally stepping into my land of dreams and looking forward to the days ahead discovering "my green island". I was radiant.<br /><br />It was Sunday and due to a strike at Sao Paulo Airport, my flight to Manchester landed 4 hours late at Terminal 2. I remember devouring the malls of Manchester Airport, stairs, corridors and counters.<br /><br />I still can close my eyes and relieve myself turning that corridor to find C, waiting for me at the other end. And when I do that I still can feel my heart beating as fast as it did then.<br /><br />There he was. In front of me. Waiting for me.<br /><br />I embraced him. It was a long and warm embrace. That embrace proved me that even when I was meeting that man for the first time, for real, I'd already known him deeply. All those months of words floating on our screens were decisive and that person was already so familiar to me!<br /><br />He drove me to his home. There I met A, his partner of 7 years. She was nice to me, although C had already warned me that while she looked like an angel for the rest of the world, she was a very moody and miserable person with him, and one of the reasons for his unhappiness.<br /><br />My suitcase was stucked in London Airport so I spent the next couple of days wearing the clothes she lent me.<br /><br />C and A lived in a lovely small town at the verge of a natural reserve. Me, I was staying at a b&b that they had previously arranged for me in a very close village. Their house was too tiny to recieve guests and, deeply inside I was happy not to share their intimacy, as I knew before hand how difficult their relationship was.<br /><br />The days to follow were filled with music and art. C and I were inseparable.<br /><br />Wenesday was his birthday. After visiting an exhibition of Stanley Spencer at the Imperial War Museum we went to his for a drink and later he would drop me at my b&b. That day A and him had had an argument and as a result she didn't want to go out for dinner to celebrate his birthday as we'd previously planned.<br /><br />So, there I was, in front of a cup of tea, when unexpectedly and shyly, he said to me that if I accepted, he would move to America to live with me for the rest of his life.<br /><br />Was I fully understanding what he was trying to express? Was he offering me a life together? Was he cuatioslly letting me know that he had fallen in love with me? Was he saying that he would leave everything behind to start a new life with me? And most of all, was he ready to make such a huge change in his life... for me? Questions and doubts were squashing into my mind.<br /><br />I was in shock, I was atonished, I believed I was living a fantasy, I felt dizzy. Somehow, all the objects in that kitchen were frantically dancing and giggling in front of me. The colourful letters of the cooking books in the shelves were getting out of the covers and floating funnily in the air. The twilight light coming from the window at my right illuminated the room pouring its warm orange on me like a blessing. The tree plant on the pot by my left smiled all its greeness to me. The bags of our shopping overflowing fresh vegetables. The kettle whisteling more hot water for coming teas. And suddenly, inside all that festival, in the middle of that party, I found his eyes. And I wanted so much to cry because I felt so light, I felt everything was going to be allright. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to capture and treasure that moment for the rest of my existence.<br /><br />My hand moved to reach his and he knew I had accepted.<br /><br />Later that evening, we both went out for dinner as already planned. A was not with us, she had decided to stay at home. That night he took me to my b&b but he didn't leave.<br /><br />We only had 4 more days to analyse together the steps he should have to take to start our new life. I had to continue travelling around the UK because that was the purpose of my two months' trip. And he should begin to dismantle his life there.<br /><br />We both were happy and in turmoil. We were also scared about the tough months ahead, we feared so much not being strong enough to put off our separation.<br /><br />My departure to London was filled with tears.<br /><br />I was going to spend the next two weeks living with a friend in London, and the rest of the month travelling around England, Scotland and Ireland on my own. He owned an apartment in the Docklands and lived on his own after being divorced for a couple of years. We had sensed there was chemestry between the two of us and we had anticipated having fun together. And I knew before hand he was expecting me with that in mind.<br /><br />However, my life had changed in the twingkling of an eye. My past expectations of having fun with any guy dissapeared the moment I fell for C. Now, I had to find a polite way of letting my friend know that either he accepted I would only sleep on the living room sofa or he should help me find a b&b in London.<br /><br />The man proved to be a great psicologist. Some time ago he told me that as soon as we met, he could read my body language like an open book. He suspected immediately that something extremely important had happend to me already and he thought of not pushing things too far. He was as welcoming as cautios when he explained to me that some time had passed since he had last lived with a woman and that he wanted to go little by little. And he suggested me to choose either the bedroom or the sofa. Obviously, I accepted the sofa with great relief.<br /><br />We became close friends and finally I told him about C and our plans of moving together. He was understanding and such a good mind. He listened to me, he gave me good advices, he was so warm and above everything he was so generous to open his home to me. I have beautiful memories of those weeks we spent together, mainly because he made my stay there a wonderful experience. I am extremely grateful to him because of this. <em>(J: I know sometimes you are around, if you are reading this, you know already how I feel. You are always on my mind. x).</em><br /><em></em><br />I left London to travel north on my own. I used to recieve daily emails from C who, at that point had already talked to A about us and was living tough moments. Those moving letters were the most beautiful words someone has ever wrote to me. Letters filled with love and hope, strenght and support to prepare ourselves for each other.<br /><br />To make it short I changed my travelling plans more than twice to meet C again. It was silly to waste my opportunity only because I wanted to visit Ireland. So I spent one more week with him for Easter Holidays and another week at the beginning of May, before going back to London to fly back home. Ireland would had to wait for another time.<br /><br />The last goodbye was more than I could bear.<br /><br />And the next 6 months after my arrival home were one of the most hard periods in my life.<br /><br />Of course I was so happy to meet my kids that I had missed so much during my trip, but I also remember being so scared that C may change his mind. I only share what we had in mind with a couple of good friends of mine. I was very cautios not to tell my family and kids about it, I didn't want to cause them distress and even me, I was a bit uncertain about our strenght to make things happen. What was more, I was totally uncertain about what was happening with A and C and the imminent end of their relationship.<br /><br />I built an extension of my house. A new room that C could use as his studio, that was ready just on time for his arrival. I wanted him to have his own creative space in the house for his guitars (Jesus, 8!), his art, his books.<br /><br />November was there at last.<br /><br />C arrived home the 13th November, exactly as he promised.<br /><br />A year after his arrival we got married.<br /><br />We are living the rest of our story.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-65588856445069649002007-02-26T09:52:00.000-03:002007-02-27T08:38:28.265-03:00Thanks<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW-wslIRnvyNg-_5J-BzT3IlcAQoWbqoFR5U9TW6jF0Vb0vI1WhmxXHcQQsjc2ozILhdjnsFTf3DK-PcFM1OSbZQ6fZ1bQqv5Adq0oDniIE6XF9GZOL1TCJvLtDUhm79jo_BkgtA/s1600-h/L1010625.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5036175801145233330" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW-wslIRnvyNg-_5J-BzT3IlcAQoWbqoFR5U9TW6jF0Vb0vI1WhmxXHcQQsjc2ozILhdjnsFTf3DK-PcFM1OSbZQ6fZ1bQqv5Adq0oDniIE6XF9GZOL1TCJvLtDUhm79jo_BkgtA/s320/L1010625.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Thanks to all of you who have been posting comments and sending emails.</div><br /><div><br />Thanks Emily for being around all the time and thinking of me.<br /></div><br /><div>I've been at home for the last 3 months with my beautiful baby and it was difficult to blog due to busy days (and nights), holidays and everybody around.<br /></div><br /><div>I will be back to work and rutine next week and hopefully restart posting again.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I will tell you more in detail then.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Lots of love.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Let</div>Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1166202705359981282006-12-15T13:06:00.000-03:002007-04-11T12:51:06.062-03:00Our Angel...... was born last 16th November, 5:15 am.<br /><br />I was only 35 weeks pregnant.<br /><br />I woke up in the middle of the night and the moment I was leaving the bed, I broke the waters.<br /><br />I said to C that it was time to go.<br /><br />He was going on a trip to the country with his school kids that same morning and he thought I was asking him to get up and get ready.<br /><br />So I said to him again: "it is time to go<strong>...</strong> <strong>to the Hospital</strong>".<br /><br />It was 3:45 am. I phoned my doctor before leaving the house. He is the same doctor who assisted me in the deliverance of my two previous kids.<br /><br />Fortunately there was no traffic at all as we didn't stop at the lights.<br /><br />As soon as I arrived a doctor and a nurse checked me: 5 cm dilation already.<br /><br />They gave me a room where I was suppose to start with the labour period. I was there for about 20 minutes, as soon as my doctor arrived he realized that I was ready. I remember having only 5, maybe 6 strong contractions before they took me to the deliverance room.<br /><br />Our baby was born after the third push.<br /><br />C was with me all the time, supporting me and enjoying his first experience as a father.<br /><br />The delivery was beautiful and so enjoyable.<br /><br />Needless to say, I fell in love with my baby as soon as I saw him. And I fell in love with his father all over again when I saw him holding our Angel.<br /><br />He had a hard start as he was born too early and his lungs were not mature enough. So initially, he had breathing difficulties and due to that, he had to be assisted with oxygen.<br /><br />We stayed in Hospital for nearly a week and I couldn't breast feed him properly until the fourth day. Fortunatelly, he is a healthy and strong baby and his weight was so good (even when he was born more than a month earlier) that, after a week of proper cares, he could overcome these difficulties succesfully.<br /><br />He is a beautiful boy. Of course, every parent think their baby is the most beautiful creature in this world. But, what can I say? My baby is beautiful. He is like a little C. With very light hair, very blue eyes and that beautiful tiny mouth.<br /><br />Now, every night before going to bed, I contemplate my three sleeping kids and it brings tears to my eyes to see how beautiful they are.<br /><br />I am so lucky... and so grateful.<br /><br />PS: As you can imagine life is busy. In adition to that, I have no much access to internet at home as C is not very happy when I use his pc (for the obvious reasons you may be thinking about). He leans over my shoulder when I write and I am not comfortable with this, even when I don't pretend to hide this blog to him. So sorry again for the delay in posting. Hope you could understand. xLady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1163449656704484652006-11-13T16:12:00.000-03:002006-11-14T17:17:24.793-03:00A month afterToday is a month after my last post.<br /><br />It was a difficult month filled with mixed emotions.<br /><br />Probably due to all the tension I was putting off, I felt very stressed, very tired, and started to experience frequent and strong contractions. This only added a lot more anxiety, as for a while, I felt my baby could be born earlier than the date he is expected. And I knew it was all due to all the misery I was passing through lately.<br /><br />When I visited the doctor he said that I should rest, be relax and stop putting pressures on me (easier to say than done!), so he "forced" me to take a week off the office. I worked hard on focusing on positive things, I've been busy preparing things for the baby and tried to enjoy these last weeks of my pregnancy (as it probably will be my last pregnancy as well).<br /><br />I forced myself to stop being so analitical about everything. At the moment, my baby and his health, is more important than anything else and he deserves all my attention.<br /><br />Undoubtelly, there are some things that my husband and I need to work on, and I surely will insist on doing that and on improving our relationship. Some time ago he commented to a friend that <strong><em><span style="font-size:85%;">"we have our tough moments but we also have a pretty healthy and strong relationship"</span></em></strong>. And I am content that he sees ourselves like that because I do feel the same. However, my sensation at the moment is that this "healthy and strong relationship" is calling for attention.<br /><br />Sending that long and painful letter to him was my strong decision to state very clear for him that I was very dissapointed with the last events and that I deserved to express myself, even when what I had to say was not very nice. He had no choice but to acknowledge that.<br /><br />I expected some kind of reaction from him but I got no reply.<br /><br />For the next couple of days, we made love, I cried, we made love, I cried again.<br /><br />On the third day, I got an email from him:<br /><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">"you need to know that I love you</span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">x </span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;"> C </span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;"> X</span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></strong></em><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">it bothers me that you think I may not</span></strong></em> "<br /><br />I insisted.<br /><br />I said to him that I need him to talk to me. I told him that I need to know what his needs are, what he wants from me, what he wants about our relationship... he replied: <em><span style="font-size:85%;"><strong>"</strong><strong>Neither of us are perfect, but</strong> <strong>I couldn't want for a better partner</strong></span></em>.<strong><em><span style="font-size:85%;">"</span></em></strong><br /><br />He kept on saying that he feels very frustrated, and trapped, not by me, but by being unable to meet friends and visit family, and again this painful issue of inadequacy with the place where he lives. I have always been aware of this, and I try to do my best to make his life a better one, to support him and to let him know how much I care. However, is this a valid excuse for his attitude?<br /><br />There was also another issue that embarassed me a lot. I am suspicious that he asked his sister in the UK to conceal him.<br /><br />The fact that his sister was in the middle made me feel ashamed. I was partly guilty of this situation: one morning I was very upset and C's nephew appeared on my Messenger. We chat very often and we get on very well. He is a very mature and clever guy and I told him, without giving too many details, that I was having a tough moment with C.<br /><br />As usual, that evening, I commented to C that I had met his nephew and I also told him that I had found some comfort talking to him about how sad I was feeling. So C knew.<br /><br />The morning after, his sister talked to me and assured me it was with her that C was chatting when I saw him hiding the conversation.<br /><br />For several reasons I didn't believe her:<br /><br />- Firstly we have a 4 hours difference with the UK. That Sunday night, it was 10ish at home, so in the UK was more than 2 am.<br /><br />- C never hides his conversations with his sister.<br /><br />- I know very well his sister's Messenger background and it was not the one I saw on his screen.<br /><br />- A couple of days after that, we both were sitting in front of the pc, when she sent a message to C, obviuously thinking he was on his own. Her first comment was: "I believe I got you out of the shit with L", he inmediatly replied, "she is here with me now". I made no comment at all.<br /><br />I talked to her and I explained that I felt very embarassed as she was in the middle and that my fault was to talk to my nephew in law about it, but the moment I did it was because I was overloaded with sadness and because for obvious reasons there's no one here I could possibly share what was happening.<br /><br />She denied having lie on C's behalf, but her arguments were very weak and I am not that naive anymore. I don't blame her, she loves her brother, she wants to see him happy and settled and I also think she is honest when she says she also loves me and that she considers me her sister. She probably acted with the convincement that she was being helpful.<br /><br />End of the event.<br /><br />And from my point of view, the beginning of a new stage in our relationship. We need to grow as a couple, we need to work on many areas where we are still not enough comfortable with each other, where we feel insecure.<br /><br />I am sure of his love and the way he feels for me. However, if he also likes to chat women up and flirt with them, I won't accept it, and I won't change my mind about this.<br /><br />Some time ago, I read by chance an email that he neglected to close. He was answering a message from a friend in the UK. There he wrote: <span style="font-size:85%;"><strong><em>I am living a domestic bliss at the moment but it didn't stop my desire or imagination from running wild. </em></strong></span><span style="font-size:100%;">And he also added: </span><span style="font-size:85%;"><strong><em>I am not planning on having an affair, at least not yet. </em></strong></span><span style="font-size:100%;">How should I feel about this? No doubts at all, no reading in between the lines.... He described his feelings extremely clear. I couldn't forget a single word since then, they have been tortouring me, they wouldn't leave me, I guess this discovery was for me then extremely painful.</span><br /><br />---------<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Thank you so much Emily for your email, for your nice words and concerns. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I am sorry that it took me so much to post. So, please, accept my apologies.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I had my reasons for being quiet for a while. I needed to take a deep breath before writing about all this again.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span>Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1160770112167436432006-10-13T16:40:00.000-03:002006-10-13T17:08:32.186-03:00Letter to my husbandThis has been the thoughest week in a long time.<br /><br />Last Sunday I found out by chance that C was chatting with someone on the internet. He tried desperately to hide it and this significant attitude from him told me that something was going wrong.<br /><br />I've been having this feeling for a while, but I made a lot of efforts not to let these negative thoughts gain me. I am 7 months pregnant now and I just wanted to focus on my baby and take care of him and myself.<br /><br />But when I saw C being so pathetic, switching off his pc in desperation, I knew I had enough.<br /><br />After a couple of days of misery I asked him to seat down and discuss what was happening but when I tried to start a conversation, he just showed no interest at all and he avoided me. So finally, and being unable of bearing more pain, I decided to write him a letter.<br /><br />This is more or less what I wrote to him:<br /><br />----------------------------------<br /><br /><br /><em>It is very difficult to discuss something with someone who does not look at you when you are talking and who obviously shows no interest in having a conversation. And this is what I sensed last night, I donāt think that I put you off, I just think that you donāt want to listen what I have to say.<br /><br />It is difficult enough for me to express it and you do not make it easy either. So if I put it down in paper, I will say it in one go, and you can read it whenever you have the time.<br /><br />I just want to be open and talk frankly and have to be able to express what I need/want/think/feel, and if I can not do it with you, with whom I am expected to do it? This is what I always wanted for us. And this is also what it is missing in our relationship at the moment.<br /><br />So the conversation that it was not possible to have with you face to face, goes on paper.<br /><br />As I said last night, I sense youāve been hiding things from me, Iāve been feeling it for a while. When I saw you last Sunday trying to hide your screen I realised it was not only a sensation but a fact. And I also thought that if you have the necessity to have āsecretsā, then something is very wrong. Last night you denied it but the problem is that I saw it, it was in front of my eyes, and as you know someone before almost succeed in making me believe that what I was seeing was unreal, and for a while I thought he was true and I was becoming mad. But time proved that I was not mad. So now, I follow my instincts.<br /><br />You said that if I feel like this it is ME who has a problem. I think it is US. Just that I didnāt want to deal with it right now it doesnāt mean that it doesnāt exist. I didnāt want to think about it because I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy and try to be positive for my baby and for all what we have ahead. But the sadness and the misery have been accumulating and finally the burden is too heavy and I can not cope with more.</em><br /><em><br />If you have been thinking of having affairs I can not stop you. Itās your decision and it depends on you. I asked you for honesty, this is probably the word that I repeated most since we met and my only condition. Nothing else. If you think you have the right to cheat on me, you are in the wrong relationship.<br /><br />You need to know what you want from me and so do I.<br /><br />You have an addiction that is controlling your life. On one hand you say you miss our time on our own but when we are on our own you spend those hours in front of a pc like last Sunday.<br /><br />I really feel that I have been replaced. You can not imagine how painful is to know that you are always searching, that you are always trying to find other women, that you are masturbating with them, looking at them. Thereās so much lack of intimacy between us. I thought that maybe is because of my pregnancy. And I can understand that, although this was already happening before I got pregnant. Seems that I have nothing exciting to offer, why should you be attracted to me? Apart from the fact that the pregnancy was a decision we took together and that I am suppose to be the woman you love. Ok, well maybe you find sex with me very disappointing after all that sex online.<br /><br />Probably you are thinking it is all about the sex issue, so we make love or we have sex from time to time, and with that you believe you pacify me. But it is not, it is not about the physical intimacy, or not only that, it is about the emotional intimacy as well. It came a point where I am in such a turmoil that I can not stop wondering if when we make love you are fantasising over other women, if you are 100% with me. Are you emotionally with me? And so much tension makes me cry, canāt help it, just for you to know why I cry, you can give me so much pleasure but I can feel so much pain at the same time, how can this be a healthy, enjoyable situation? It is so insane.<br /><br />If I am not the person, the woman youāve expected me to be, if I am not good enough for you, then I am sorry if Iāve disappointed you. You donāt ask, you donāt say what you want, you donāt express what you need, but if you have to look at other women is because you are not satisfied with our relationship or with what I have to offer you.<br /><br />I feel miserable, I am very upset and now I can not deal with so much pain. But I still prefer the truth, whatever it is. I would do anything to change this situation because I am committed to you and to our relationship and because I love you so much. But I can not force you to love me. Many times you say that in a relationship, after some time it is not possible to feel the same passion as you can feel at the beginning. And I think how sad it is to feel like that. Because I do really feel the same passion as the first day, Iāve been learning to love you more each day though. Anyway, maybe I am a freak after all.<br /><br />C, I need to know what is happening and I need you to be honest and I do need to recover my peace.<br /><br />I love you.<br /> </em><br /><em>L</em>Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1159216126689677362006-09-25T17:06:00.000-03:002006-10-10T17:10:47.096-03:00Moving letterLast Friday C gave me a letter to post to his stepmother in the UK.<br /><br />He handled it to me unsealed and he asked me to read it before sending it.<br /><br />It was an up to date on his activities and his jobs and the feelings about the new school as well as the relationship with his students in general. He described to her how different both schools are and the distinctive approachs they have to education. He also explained to her that he feels happy to work in an enviroment where his opinion is well respected, where his work and his efforts are always welcome and appreciated.<br /><br />Obviously, our baby was the subject of almost half the letter. How I am feeling, and why we choose that name for him, etc., etc..<br /><br />He explained that unfortunatelly, we won't be able to travel to visit her and the rest of the family in the short term. The family budget is the main reason for this, but also because we would like to take the baby with us and we would like him to be at least one year old for such a long trip.<br /><br />He also wrote that sometimes, he can not prevent himself for feeling low and depressed. He wrote how much he misses his friends, his family and his green England.<br /><br />I was move to tears as I know so well how much he still suffers. I was aware of the brave decision he took two years ago when he decided to leave everything behind to step into the unknown.<br /><br />Even when it was his own free will, I can understand how difficult and challenging all those changes probably were for him. From the peace of the green filds to busy beaches, from the beauty of the snow hills to the heat of summertime, from the quietness of a life with no little ones around to daily life with two kids aged 8 and 5 who were as noisy as welcoming.<br /><br />The cultural shock was also inmense. I realised he felt rootless and inadequate. The language issue also contribuited to make him feel isolated: he didn't understand Spanish, neither he could communicate.<br /><br />I could feel his pain. I could see how much he was struggling with so many new things in his life and I also sensed the worst: he was regretting his decision.<br /><br />Those were very difficult times.<br /><br />Both for him and for me.<br /><br />I didn't know how to help him feel better nor what could I do to support him. And I also went through a lot of misery myself as I felt frustrated because I could not give him what he needed to be positive and confident again about our life together.<br /><br />I guessed it was his own grief and he needed to overcome that mourning. I guessed he needed time to digest what was going on in his new life. I could only be by his side to accompany him and give him all my love.<br /><br />And with time, he started to feel a little more settle down.<br /><br />We got married exactly a year after his arrival and for that event his sister and his 18-years-old nephew came over for a 20 days visit.<br /><br />Next November will be 2 years since he is with us and we are expecting our baby boy for December. I am sure that he will make a wonderful father and I wish so much he will enjoy his baby.<br /><br />I do know that sometimes he feels down and sinks into melancholy but I can only hope that, as time goes by, we will grow as a close and happy family.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1158701292145933602006-09-19T12:22:00.000-03:002006-09-20T17:14:29.883-03:00Dear friend...The last couple of days have been hectic.<br /><br />We had a busy weekend, filled with social activities.<br /><br />Last Friday, one of my friends from adolescence was 40 years old and her husband organized a small party with family and friends to celebrate.<br /><br />My friend and I don't see each other very often: our lives have gone separate ways and actually, our lives are very different. Although we are in touch, it is difficult for us to find our space. We don't have many things in common now, but we still care a lot about each other.<br /><br />It was nice to see them all again. However, I experienced an strange feeling when the memories of all those years we shared toegether took me by surprise.<br /><br />We were in our 15ish when we met at high school. We were so naive and unexperienced then. We went through so many experiences together. The breakdown of my mother's second marriage, her father's death, the mental crisis of her oldest brother and his subsequent dissapearance...<br /><br />We were very different and maybe due to that, we got on that well, we were compatible, in a way we had complementary personalities. Under a mask of shyness, she was a strong character, sometimes not very easy going: she had no many friends. I was the free spirit, the rebellious one, the extrovert, always with friends around, the bright student, the popular girl of the class.<br /><br />Yes, we were very different.<br /><br />However, we were the same.<br /><br />Our values were the same, our principles were the same.<br /><br />We both believed in honesty, we both thought a better world was possible, we borne together the last death rattles of a dictatorship regime that had opressed our country (and the whole region) for decades. We strongly believed that freedom was the answer and that it was worth fighting for it. And we deeply believed that true love existed.<br /><br />It was not until we were 19 when, that same year and for the first time in our lives, we started a serious relationship. And our lives turned upside down. Our friendship suffered a lot because our boyfriends came from very different backgrounds. Hers was training to become a businessman while mine was a hard-working University student, fighting against all odds to become a lawyer.<br /><br />We overcame dramatic moments together and we only had each other for support. She had to go on an abortion in a country where this practice is not legal and I suffered the treatment of a very macho boyfriend who after having our first sex encounter said to me that he wanted to leave me as he was sure it was not my first time.<br /><br />We shared summers in the beach, full of fragrant pines and salty oceans. I can still remember how excited she was when due to my adventurous spirit (and thanks that my English was good enough at 20!!) we met Simon Le Bon and wife as he was in a Witbread Round The World Race competition that made a stop at Punta del Este harbour. How nervous and frustrated she was because they invited us for some drinks at theirs and she couldn't say a word in English!<br /><br />Then, my mother got her a job as a receptionist at the same TV channel my mother used to be the Human Resources manager. After 20 years she is still working there, in the same position. At that time I was already working at the Faculty of Medicine in an administrative department (I got my first job at 17), and studying Laws at the University.<br /><br />She finally married her boyfriend (who gave up his business studies for a salesman position) and had a very conventional wedding, with a fluffy immaculate white dress included. After 7 years of dating, my bofriend and I, rented an apartment and went to live together (despite my mother's dissaproval who also liked the idea of the silly dress for me).<br /><br />She had her 3 boys one after the other. I was still going to the University and moving to better jobs.<br /><br />She turned into a full time housewife, although she kept her job at the TV Channel.<br /><br />I had my first kid, at 29 and my second one at 33. At that point I was already sure of two things: I didn't want to become a lawyer and my partner was cheating on me.<br /><br />When my daughter was not even 1 year old yet, the circumstances pushed me to take drastic decisions and I decided that after 15 years of being together, my partner and I, have nothing in common but two beautiful kids. I asked him to leave the house.<br /><br />My friend was there to support me like in the old times and after a huge crisis I managed to revive. I worked hard, I started to study English Literature and I went back to painting, which were my two old passions. I saved money and did some rebuildings in my home and finally, I planned a two months trip to the UK. My life changed completely at Manchester airport. The rest is another story.<br /><br />Last Friday, looking at my friend I couldn't help but thinking how much better I feel now with myself than in our adolescence or in our twenties. I was aware of how more complete as a woman I feel now and how much happier with the person I am. I realized that the several changes and crisis I went through made me stronger and turned me into a better human being.<br /><br />Every period of our lives is different. I would not denny any of my past attitudes or decisions and I do not regret my past. However, if I had the chance to be 20 again, undoubtedelly, and from the perspective of my 40's, I would have other options now and probably, take other decisions.<br /><br />I couldn't sense the same attitude in my friend though. I sensed tiredness, all the unbearable weight of routine on her shoulders, I couldn't see that amazing bright in her eyes and she didn't give me that contagious fresh smile as in the old times either. She looked worn out.<br /><br />For a moment I felt I wanted to leave as soon as possible, to escape from that house. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her life easier. Maybe she was ok, maybe she doesn't even feel the necessity to make changes in her life... but once more, I thought the contrast with my happiness was very noticeable.<br /><br />Happy Birthday Dear Friend.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1157474539912325252006-09-05T11:39:00.000-03:002006-09-06T10:21:06.586-03:00Beautiful...<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/P1010093.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/320/P1010093.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Last Saturday we made love.<br /><br />It was more than 15 days since we last had any kind of sex.<br /><br />It was tender, it was passionate, it was furious, it was ferocious...<br /><br />The emotional and physical relief was like a blessing. My body, my mind, my spirit and my whole being were impossible to control.<br /><br />I couldn't help but crying.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1157039517170023302006-08-31T12:49:00.000-03:002006-09-22T17:04:59.483-03:00Barbacue area<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/Back%20of%20my%20home.2.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/400/Back%20of%20my%20home.2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/L1000091.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/400/L1000091.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/L1000073.2.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/400/L1000073.1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/Back%20of%20my%20home.1.jpg"></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/L1000073.0.jpg"></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/Back%20of%20my%20home.0.jpg"></a><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/L1000073.jpg"></a><br /><br />Family is growing.<br /><br />New projects are in the air.<br /><br />We love receiving friends at home.<br /><br /><strong>Conclusion: the barbacue area HAS TO be rebuilt. </strong><br /><br />A month before C moved from the UK, I did some works on this area, repainted walls in bright colours and improved the condition of the garden.<br /><br />The first picture you can see here, is the original barbacue and the following two, are the barbacue after the painting. It took me about a week to get used to the bright orange, but I was very happy with the final result. I usually say that the area looks like a "mexican patio", bright, stunning, cheerful. I like colours in my life, I imagine Frida Khalo's home was painted in similar colours.<br /><br />However, we need to rebuild this area to use it for new different purposes.<br /><br />On one hand, I would like to have a closed space where we can receive friends for barbacues, children can also have their own parties and why not, use this area for studying when they are older.<br /><br />Secondly, we thought of moving C's studio there. The area is big enough as to "divide" the space into two different areas, one where the proper barbacue is, would function as a big dinning room and the other half as an art studio, a cozy living room with an open fire where we could relax, read, paint, etc..<br /><br />We both believe that we could be able to run our own business teaching music, art, painting, literature, and eventually, this is what we plan to do, and this space would be essential to create an area that we could use for these purposes.<br /><br />Moving the studio to this space would also would also allow us to have another bedroom in the house. If we move B's (my 6 years-old daughter) bedroom to the studio, it would be possible to organize there a working area for the kids as well, as the studio is a big room. By doing this, we could have B's bedroom, which is the smaller in the house, free and we could prepare the baby's bedroom there. We wouldn't make changes in G's (my 9 years-old son) bedroom then.<br /><br />The works for rebuilding the barbacue would include (briefly):<br /><br /><strong>- building of the second half of the roof.</strong> From the outside would look the same as the other half already built. From the inside, works for roof insulation has to be done and the final aspect would be a wood covering.<br /><br /><strong>- the tiles of the floor have to be changed.</strong> I like the rustic style, but some tiles are broken and the floor was not built properly, so it has to be done again. Probably I would choose the same tiles, or at least, same colour.<br /><br /><strong>- would be perfect to build a small toilette with a shower.</strong> So that guests/students/friends don't have to go inside the house to use the toilette. Also this area could be very useful for receiving C's family when they come over and a bathroom here would be very practical.<br /><br /><strong>- building of an open fire. </strong>We have central heating inside the house and a small open fire in the living room. But it is not worth it (and very expensive too) to build an extension of the heating to the barbacue. However, this one would be a big area and as we are planning to use it during the whole year, even in winter, we need to decide about warming it up. We love open fires, so this would be a good option.<br /><br /><strong>- finally the front of the whole area has to be closed with glass sliding windows. </strong>Then it would be a very bright and sunny area.<br /><br />All those works would probably take a month more or less, and I hoped we could start before the baby is born.<br /><br />BUT the cost of all this is american dollars 8.000.-, and we only have american dollars 4.000.-<br /><br />At the moment I can not see how we could possibly make it unless I win the lottery (but I don't bet anyway).<br /><br />Any idea?????Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1156781594713537592006-08-28T13:12:00.000-03:002006-08-31T12:22:23.983-03:00Baby Thomas' scanThis afternoon, we had an appointment to do a routinary scan.<br /><br />I am 6 months pregnant now and this was the third scan already.<br /><br />It was emotional and touching as usual to spy in the screen this small being, moving, growing and developing himself inside my womb. It is amazing how with the fast advances of technology in this area, it is so clear, so perfect and easy to understand and to appreciate all the details of the tiny anatomy.<br /><br />C had a serious air but didn't stop watching while the doctor/technician was moving the scan around our baby, messuring every little bone, every organ.<br /><br />It still is a mistery to me how C feels about the baby, how is he experiencing my pregnancy, if he is preparing himself for fatherhood, most of the time I have the feeling that he is not aware that this creature will change our lives in every possible sense.<br /><br />After the Hospital, we had time for a quick coffee before I return to the office. We talked about how fast Thomas is growing inside of me and as usual I said I hope he has same eyes as his father. C teased me by saying that those cheeks looked exactly like mine.<br /><br />We discussed what language the baby would speak and we both agree that we should talk to him in English as he ultimately he will learn Spanish with the rest of the family, school, etc.. Of course there's no other possibility for C than to speak to him in English.<br /><br />C told me that he would like to teach music to Thomas or at least give him all the tools and all the opportunities that come with no effort. I hope our son will be able to appreciate this, I believe that growing in a family that is so interested in arts would encourage him to do something related. I would love him to be a musician like his father, but of course this is something that he will have to decide himself. And this is what I let C know: yes, we will be there for him, to give him all the tools and to be his guide, but I will be happy with whatever he decides to do in life, if he has a passion for it.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1156451516439427312006-08-24T17:29:00.000-03:002006-08-30T13:15:43.100-03:00Legal ResidenceAfter a whole painful year plus 3 months, the application for C's Legal Residence has finished.<br /><br />The final resolution was communicated to us today.<br /><br />I dealt with all the application myself in behalf of C, above everything due to his impossibility of communicate in Spanish, but also did it in an attempt to make his life easier, less painful, once more letting win my obssesion to protecting him.<br /><br />But at the end of the day, I have to accept it, I didn't want him to be aware of the shameful machinery behind the Civil Service in my country. I just wanted to save myself all the shame and frustration of "translating" to him how this things are done in this part of the world.<br /><br />I am not going to describe here the endless wasted hours at offices, dealing with incoherent civil servants, the irrationality of procedures, a perfect example of crippling bureaucracy.<br /><br />I had enough myself.<br /><br />Even when I believe I am such a tolerant, patient and pacifist person, more than once during this year, while I was waiting endless hours at those offices only to hear later the absurd replies of the wasted civil servant on duty behind a desk, I could not help but remembering a violent Michael Douglas getting stuck in the traffic jam in that day of fury in Falling Down... I am sure, one day, someone will get as demented as him.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1156280359034553372006-08-22T17:26:00.000-03:002006-08-30T12:18:17.156-03:00Foggy weekThe last past week has been stressing.<br /><br />C has been feeling miserable most of the time and obviously, this had a huge influence in my mood as well.<br /><br />I would like to think that all this stress was due to so many things he had to cope with at the same time: he had to prepare himself for a singalong, he was performing at the annual school play (also he composed all the music for the same play) and he was struggling to adapt himself to a new job as an Art Teacher.<br /><br />Obviously the new job is probably the big issue here.<br /><br />When he got the job, the first days of August, I saw it as a fantastic opportunity for him to commit himself into something he likes and he is prepare for (he has a degree in Fine Arts) in one of the best schools in this country (if not <em>the best</em>). It's an american school (the only one here) and its first language is English (second language Spanish) while in every other bilingual school it is exactly the other way round.<br /><br />Children from diplomatic families go there and, only 30% of its students are local. Considering this aspect and that the teachers are from different parts of the globe, there's a cosmopolitan feeling there that, in the whole, makes it attractive to C who still struggles so much with our latinamerican culture.<br /><br />His salary is not completely arranged yet but he felt he could communicate good enough with the new Head Director (an american guy who has only been here for a month) and he accepted the job.<br /><br />He teaches Arts to Elementary and Primary School and Music as an extra curricular activity. He was very positive at the beginning, he even bought books related to the subject, and had a lot of projects to start working with them. However, the first week proved to be hard.<br /><br />I do understand that dealing with small kids could be difficult. However, I've been in one of his classes and I was amazed at how well he could handle the kids, how easily he communicates with them, how patient he is and also I could appreciate how the children responded so well to him too. Not all classes are supose to be like that, but I got the picture.<br /><br />Being a teacher requires a lot of work outside the classroom and preparing for his classes proved to be painful as he moans all the time about not having time to play his music as he used to. I do believe that all that extra time at home guitar playing was a bonus he had to take advantage of. Sooner or later it would come a time when he should have to commit himself into getting an income, for his own expenses and for contribuiting to paying family bills.<br /><br />But these changes only made him very unhappy. I started to hear only negative comments: the kids getting difficult to deal with, the crowded bus trips to the school, the rushes from one school to the other, the heat, the cold and everything.<br /><br />I did what I could, try to did my best to be out of his way, to be positive and to make him look at the bright side of all it.<br /><br />I can not remember a single warm gesture from him during that whole week. Probably he was too busy to notice I was there. I stroked his back everynight as usual in an attempt to make him feel better. But again, this is something that I usually do until I fall asleep.<br /><br />One day in the the middle of the week I made a short visit home at lunch time to organize a little bit the house work so that everything would be more or less ready for when we all return home in the evening. I did supermarket shopping, I collected the washing and put some more washing outside, washed dishes, etc.. I had to rush as I only had an hour and a half before returning to the office (the trips at 100 km/h along the coast also counted). But I still had time to left a bar of chocolate on his desk, the one the I know that he likes so much, with a little funny card with a cartoon of a smily cat on it. I wrote a few words in it, wishing him a sweet afternoon (I knew he would arrive home in a couple more hours) and I rushed back to my office.<br /><br />In the evening when I returned home, he didn't even move from the coach in his studio, he didn't even make any attempt to kiss me and he had that miserable face again. His only comment was "sorry, but I eat all the chocolate", I replied that it was for him anyway. I went downstairs and started dealing with dinner and my son's homeworks. After a while he came down to the kitchen too... only to serve himself some more coffee and to throw some papers into the dustbin.<br /><br />And then I saw it.<br /><br />He was throwing away my card. Suddenly I felt tearfully. In that <em>apparently insignificant</em>, silly event, I saw him as summing up his last days' attitude. And I felt pathetic, stupid, utterly sad. All the frustration of the last days was fighting not to be shown together with my tears.<br /><br />I let the days pass as I knew there were important things to come in the following days and I didn't want to put more pressure on him by having a conversation that, I acknowledged before hand, at least, would stressed him. Friday was the singalong, Sat and Sunday were the last performances of the school play (and we were also taking the kids to watch the play).<br /><br />It was already Tuesday of the following week when I managed to send him an email putting into words some of my feelings and some of my pain. It felt a relief to be able to get out all those words that have been boiling up inside me for so many days.<br /><br />Again I repeated to him that I do not want him to work anymore if he can not put up with the frustration of "working for other people" as he usally says. But what I can not deal with is his misery.<br /><br />Of course I also explained to him that I don't agree with what I was suggesting: I strongly believe that being at home, spending his days shutting himself up indoors was not a "healthy" option at all. Wasting hours and hours of his precious life in front of a screen, and watching porn is not "real life" and it is not what I want for him. I stated this very clearly.<br /><br />I explained to him how concerned I am about trying to make everybody's lives better and easier. That I do my best, and that I had the feeling that even this was not appreciated at all, that I could be killing myslef but I was taken for granted. I didn't pretend to moan, but I wanted to let him know that even when I have my own worries, concerns and frustrations, I still try to be positive and have a smily face when I arrive home.<br /><br />I also said to him that I've always wanted us to have an open and honest communication but that lately, I've been struggling to express how I feel as I am so afraid that he may say things that I do not want to listen.<br /><br />I told him that I tourture myself all the time thinking that he may regret everything he did to be with us (me), that he even regrets becoming a (future) father, that he may regret leaving his ex partner and his former life with her as all that I hear is how much he wants to come back to the UK.<br /><br />And how much this whole week of silence between us hurted, this whole week of not doing any good to our relationship with that attitude, this whole week of not taking care of it.<br /><br />I got a big hug when I arrived home that evening.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1154552422733417032006-08-02T16:50:00.000-03:002006-08-17T17:38:55.633-03:00Sex and PregnancyIt's been a while since my last post.<br /><br />Dealing with so many changes and a few difficult domestic situations kept me away from my blog for more time than I have expected.<br /><br />I am still experimenting some of the fears and doubts that usually pregnant women experiment at some stage of the pregnancy period. I am still concern about the toxoplasmosis issue and I will probably be until the day I give birth. However, I started to feel better after the first trimester and little by little all those symptoms of fatigue and nausea dissapeared. I am working as usual at the office from 9 am to 6 pm and my daily routine did not change at all, with the exception that I had to give up acting for a while as I bear a noticeable tummy already.<br /><br />I've been visiting the doctor monthly, doing the usual health tests and routinary scans and everything is perfect. The doctor said I am very healthy and I am a very positive person, so he asked me to watch my weight and go on with my usual activities.<br /><br />Everything seems to be under control.<br /><br />However, there's something that has been bothering me, making me feel miserable, moody and agressive, and this has to do with my current sex life.<br /><br />I was very aware that there were going to be changes in our sex life.<br /><br />I was never concerned about this in my two previous pregnancies, because sex with my previous partner (the father of my two kids) was disastrous and I did not care at all how he might had seen me. The problem was not my pregnancies but the absolutely lack of chemestry between us, our minds were never connected, needless to say our bodies were the same.<br /><br />Since I met C, all that he gave me was the possibility to enjoy my sexuality, to feel free to express myself sexually and not to be ashamed about it, and above all, he was happy to share this with me. I realize how signifcant, how important his attitude has been to me, I felt that, now in my 30's, I was experimenting a sexual awakening. Due to this, now that I am pregnant, I do need to feel that I am accepted in this "new body". Also I need C to be involved emotionally. It will be his first experience as a father. I would like him to enjoy this period, it's an oportunity not to be missed.<br /><br />I truly believe that open communication is the key, try to keep an honest dialogue. I do not know why I do struggle so much, why I've been finding it so difficult to talk to my husband about what I need or what I want. Maybe because I am a bit embarassed of hearing the same comment from him: "you are one track mind". Some time ago, this label used to be kind of funny and I used to feel "proud" about such stament, but lately turned to be a repetitive comment from him and eventually, caused me to withdraw. I realized that I was not asking any more, that I stopped teasing him, that I was not "playful" anymore. And that made me feel a lot of sadness, as I was hidding something that was so important to me and that I needed so much.<br /><br />I do not mean that our sex life is inexistent at all. I am just stating that it changed utterly and that I am finding very hard to cope this new state of things. From being very playful and naughty, from being very sensual, we are now like noun and priest, only making love sporadically.<br /><br />I know that some women report changes in their sex drive during pregnancy, from experimenting a tendency to be lower to a dramatic increase. Obviously, the second, is due to the changes in hormones that your body goes through in order to support the pregnancy, increasing the amount of progesterone in your bloodstream. I can not say this <em>dramatic increase</em> is my case. I prefer to think that I am a woman who enjoys sex and I am not passive about it, not really obssesed with it, but I am learning to be open and express my needs and desires and this makes me feel a lot better with myself. So even when I could be more enthusiastic than the average, I consider myself <em>normal.</em><br /><em></em><br />As a consequence of my husband's suddenly lack of interest, I started to have a hard time dealing with my new image: my breasts are growing, my belly is becoming roooouuuuunder, I am putting weight and feeling "sexy" or just attactive is becoming unreachable. No way, mainting a positive and confident body image is tough.<br /><br />While I heard that many men find pregnant women very sexy in their new curves (my friend J, thinks that pregnancy only enhances women sexual attraction!!!) seems that it is not the same for C.<br /><br />I believe I am tolerant, because I am aware that men's sex drive may also fluctuates. The problem is that I was expecting him to experiment a renewed sense of closeness with me now that I am pregnant, and as a result a more fulfilling sex. On the other hand, he lost his desire and motivation for sex... with me.<br /><br />C is a very sensual being. I am aware that this huge change is exclusively with reference to his attitude towards me. His usual habit of looking for porn in the internet haven't changed at all, and I guess nor his usual masturbation. This activitty was something that we used to enjoy together, and it did work very well to enhance our intimacy or just for fun. At the moment we are not sharing this anymore but he is doing it daily on his own.<br /><br />This fact is also affecting me immensily as all that I can see is that in his mind there's only place for his fantasies and for all those beautiful women on the screen, while I am only feeling more and more ackward in my new shape.<br /><br />He doesn't seem to notice my misery, but again, I don't have the strenght or the confidence to talk to him about it, which in a way, makes the whole situation a lot sadder.<br /><br />So many doubts...<br /><br />Is he having troubles to reconcile my identity as a sexual partner with my new (and increasingly visible I should say) identity as an expectant mother?<br /><br />Is he anxious about the burdens of parenthood?<br /><br />Is he afraid?<br /><br />Is he indifferent?<br /><br />Where has all the passion gone?Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1151074189797579832006-06-23T11:49:00.000-03:002006-09-05T15:11:23.176-03:00Oh Baby...<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/1600/L1000573.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4032/2552/400/L1000573.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />I am nearly 4 months pregnant.<br /><br />Since my last post, the succession of events gave me no time to take some breath and digest all the changes to come.<br /><br />Needless to say, we were very happy with the news. Since C and me decided to have a life together, we'd discussed many times before the possibility of having a kid. I was very aware of the fact that my age was an issue, as I am in my late 30s, and I said to my husband that once the decision is taken we couldn't wait long. I was also concerned about not being able of getting pregnant easily. With my previous partner, the father of my two kids, it really was quite easy. But I had no idea how C and I could work together. Well, seems that we work pretty well, as in a short while, I started to feel the sympthoms.<br /><br />I do not bear strong sickness during my pregnancies but I do experiment the hormonal turmoil, a sudden lack of energy and an unavoidable sleepness. During the first three months I could not stop yawning not matter how much sleep I had the night before. These inconvenients have a tendency to vanish by the fourth month, and I hope this time won't be different (fingers crossed).<br /><br />Certain issues according to my new condition have been occupying my mind:<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>The physical changes of my body.... or how C would react to them</strong>.<br />I don't put that much weight on me but I do develop a big tummy and I've been wondering if he would adapt easily to my new shape. Let's face it... pregnant women do not look exactly "sexy"...<br />My friend J has an exactly opposite opinion about this, in fact he said that he thinks pregnant women look really sexy and sensual... hmmm maybe he was just trying to say something nice to me? Thank you J, I really appreciate it... but pregnant women "sexy"?????<br /><br />I do worry about how C could see me, and which would be his attitude. It is his first experience and at the moment, I think he is still overwhelmed by the new situation.<br /><br /><strong>Toxoplasmosis </strong><br /><strong><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis#Risk_factors">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis#Risk_factors</a></strong><br />As you know, we have 4 cats living with us in the house.<br /><br />My blood tests confirmed that I am negative to the toxoplasmosis virus. That means that I've never been infected with the virus, hence I am not inmune and the risk would be to get the infection when pregnant. I am scared to death about this and I am aware that this issue is affecting a lot my moods and also my relationship with C (as he has a spot for cats).<br /><br />At the moment, I am trying to deal with this without being too paranoid. However, I can not help being concerned. I have been puting a lot of pressure on me because I feel I have the responsibility to look after my baby's health and eventualy my own. I would like to be fearless but I am not, and even when I've been taking all possible precautions, I've been tortouring myself about the risks we (my baby and I) are at.<br /><br /><strong>My sex drive</strong><br />Hope it won't change. Even when sometimes I do feel I am not as energetic as usual, or a bit sick, I am always in the mood. I will surely come back to this issue in future posts.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1146689831613906202006-05-03T17:42:00.000-03:002006-08-02T13:04:11.616-03:00ActingThis morning I did my first casting/audition for a movie.<br /><br />I haven't explained yet that at the end of last year I took my first steps into acting. The possibility came to me by chance and I was so attracted to the idea that I couldn't refuse the invitation to join this independent group which has been in the circuit for more than 50 years.<br /><br />Particularities of this company:<br /><br />- it was founded by a group of theatre enthusiasts 56 years ago.<br />- it developed into the first Independent Theatrical Company in this country.<br />- it became the longest-lived English-speaking amateur dramatics society in South America.<br />- the Society has so far publicly presented a total of more than a hundred different plays ranging from Victorian melodrama to slap-stick comedy, thrillers to romantic pieces.<br />- the group has grown from a small nomadic troupe, rehearsing in members' living-rooms and presenting the productions in contacted theatres; till in 1986 moved into their own venue -an old house converted into a theatre, a workshop and a English Pub (with a barbacue in the garden!).<br /><br />I made my first contact with them same period C moved to live with us as I considered it a great possibility for him to stay in touch with the English community and to interact with other people in his own language, without the hurdles of trying to communicate in Spanish that he couldnĀ“t speak at all.<br /><br />All the group was very welcoming, fun people, nice food, good drinks and a warm environment. Not long after we met them, C gave an acoustic concert at the pub and later they didn't find it too hard to convice me to join them for a new production.<br /><br />My first performance with them was last March with a dramma. Only 3 women on stage and I was one of them. The experience was amazing. The process of preparing the play was hard work but a lot of fun too. However, I was not sure of my feelings about acting until the night of the first performance. Two minutes before entering the stage I was terryfied; the next two minutes on stage I was already enjoying it, the adrenaline running inside my veins, and what was more satisfaying, I could sense that the audience was enjoying it too. I felt that I had it in my hands. It was a great success, and I my thought was "now that I have tried, that I have started, now I won't be able to stop".<br /><br />And I haven't.<br /><br />At the moment, we are working on a new production to be presented on the last 3 week-ends of June, with performances Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.<br /><br />Last week, when we were rehearsing at the centre we had a meeting with these canadian guys who were looking for new talents (English- speakers actors). They explained to us that the movie is a comedy coproduced by Canada and my country in an attempt to give a new breath to the film industry in this part of the world.<br /><br />They asked us if we would like to be part of the project and they stayed to see us rehearse. When we finished, they took us pictures and asked for our contact details. A week later, they contacted me to do this casting/audition.<br /><br />When I arrived, there were many people already awaiting for their turn. I recognised some of them as television actors and a couple of commedians. Some of them were already learning lines, some others were doing vocal excercises. I announced myself with the person in charge and she said to me that they would explain me my role when they call me.<br /><br />Fantastic: I would have to "improvise" a situation. Something that, for a couple of reasons, I am not good at:<br /><br />1. I am not a trained actress yet.<br />2. My experience in acting is very poor!<br /><br />However, I thought, "I am here already, I will do my best".<br /><br />15 minutes later they called me to the set. I had to improvise a funny conversation with the main actor. They only gave me two clues: he was a pop star, I was the make up girl, excited by his presence and wanting to gossip all about his life. It was fun to do, the guy was very nice and funny too... but let's face it, I was not prepared for it. I was not confident enough about myself and even when I could hear some laughs from the rest of the crew watching, the situation was not hilarious.<br /><br />I am content enough that I did it. The experience was a good one, but the opportunity came to me in the wrong moment. Hopefully, there will be other chances in the near future.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1146258999401734712006-04-28T16:27:00.000-03:002006-05-30T14:37:47.066-03:00Stormy relationshipsC's sister, M, is not having a good time.<br /><br />We are very concerned about the rest of C's family. They all live in England and C misses them immensely. Last time we've seen them was last November when they came over for our weeding and now we communicate often but not as much as we would like to.<br /><br />M lives with her partner for 7 years and her 18 years-old son, who is about to leave home to live with his father in the South for 2 years as he is starting a music course.<br /><br />M's partner is a succesfull rally racer and together they built, about 6 years ago, their own company that actually is M's responsibility. When they met 7 years ago, he used to be a millonaire, and M chose then to leave a so-so relationship with a very nice guy, to start a new life with a man who offered her heaven on earth and a posh life.<br /><br />They agreed to have and "open" relationship.<br /><br />However, during all these years, she found out repeteadly that he cheated on her many times and that he was not very honest with her. Since I know them, their relationship has been varying, from him being an arshole to being an angel and so devoted to her (according to her changing moods).<br /><br />Recently, she found out more lies from his part and this made her very upset. But above all, most of the money has gone to pay his addiction to cars. So, suddenly, she finds herself in a situation hard to deal with: she has always lived under the "protection" of wealthy men who would give her anything she wants, she doesn't know how to live on her own and take her own responsibilities, she is too "lazy" to think of making such a huge change in her life style and her cards castle is falling down. Her ups and down were common, but lately her periods of depression were becoming too frecuent and she is back into taking antidepressants. Probably, once again, she will decide to swallow her anger together with the pills and continue building up their weak relation.<br /><br />As anybody could guess, this is a quick brief of a complex situation and my own point of view from the outside of what I consider a very snob lifestyle. Obviously, C is worried about her sister and her near future or the decisions she may or may not take.<br /><br />Last night we were discussing how to give her some support and comfort, also considering that there's an ocean between us, and the conversation led us to that thorny issue of C's previous relationships.<br /><br />He explained once more that he himself was stucked in a unsatisfactory relationship because he was not strong enough as to take decisions and also because, although many important aspects of a fulfilment relationship were missing, "it was not that bad after all".<br /><br />Again I had to hear that "we shared bills, we shared the house..." <em>(isn't it that a commercial contract? I should have said), </em>"and although, there was no intimacy nor sex, we shared some nice moments..." <em>(oh, that was dropping a hint to me! as he knows I am a sex addict!!!)...</em> and he finally added: "and she did not hate me, well, she hate me a little bit, yes.." <em>(too much!!!).</em><br /><em></em><br />Still is a mistery for me how human beings can bear this kind of relations, live in such state of resignation and condemn themselves to misery.<br /><br />Some time ago, C read to me A's diary (his previous partner) and what she wrote about him. To assure himself that what he read was not a nightmare but cruel reality, he had taken pictures of the pages of that journal and kept them in his pc. He didn't want to forget what he found out there.<br /><br />The night he told me about his discoveries, we were a little drunk. However, it is not possible to forget how awful everything he read to me was. Every word, every expression was charged with rudeness, with misery. Every thought was so painful, so inconsiderate, so offensive. Needless to say, it reflected what her feelings towards C were.<br /><br />I could imagine how much he might have suffered when he made such discovery, and how hard it might have been for him to remain in silence, with all those bitter words beating his mind and his heart all the time.<br /><br />Only some months later, after that event, he had the strenght to tell her that he had read the diary and that he knew how she felt about him.<br /><br />But again, I wondered why he made such decision to go on "sharing" life with a person who despised him so much: a woman who used to spurn him all the time.<br /><br />I was shockingly surprised to hear that he also wants to keep all these pages of her diary.<br /><br />He said that he doesn't want to forget.<br /><br />He said that he wants all this shit to accompany him for the rest of his life.<br /><br />What it is even more irrational to me, is that I, myself have been living under the shadow ot this woman since C has been here. I had to deal again and again with the fact that he was constantly thinking of her, I had to bear the inmense weight in my heart every time he told me he missed her, I had to survive knowing he was saying to her all the time that he still loved her, that he still needed her.<br /><br />When I asked C about how we were supposed to look forward as a couple when he was still so involved with the woman who was his previous partner, he replied consistently that I should be proud of him because he could still have positive feelings towards his former partner.<br /><br />However, I can not help remembering his words when we used to chat on line. All his words when he described to me A and the ill relationship they had, are still on my mind. He suffered so much with her. He said to me how much he desired another attitude from her. How lonely he felt! I remember I cried for him.<br /><br />I think by then, I was already in love with him. He seemed to me so sweet, so fragile.... and so lonely.<br /><br />Could it possibly be that despite all that misery, he still "misses" her?Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24600680.post-1145652901713001382006-04-21T17:14:00.000-03:002006-04-27T17:58:21.746-03:00DependenceLast night C went out on his own for a formal coctel party at the school where he teaches English Literature.<br /><br />He got ready while I still was helping my 9 year-old son prepare homeworks for school.<br /><br />Literally, I almost melted when I finally saw him walking down the stairs. He looked so elegant, so handsome in his dark suit, his beautiful hazel eyes contrasting with the dark grey shirt.<br /><br />The evening on my own gave me the opportunity to organize some thoughts.<br /><br />Many times C said to me how dependent he feels on me for practical, daily events.<br /><br />Such an irony! He can not imagine that I am the one who is so dependent on him.<br /><br />I depend on his moods, I depend on his kisses, and I depend on every little piece of the love he wills to give me, to survive, to breath.<br /><br />I am giving all that I am to this man: I am giving myself to the point of feeling empty, dry. I love him so much that it hurts.<br /><br />I love him as I've never loved before and my worst nightmare of all it is not the fear of loosing him, but the fear of never ever had him.<br /><br />I do not want a life without C.<br /><br />I wouldn't be able to survive, to breath, I wouldn't be able simply to BE if C is not with me. Simply because I will have no desire for living.<br /><br />I am aware that I have to deal with the shadows of the other previous and still present women in his life. This is difficult enough for me and, although I I work hard to overcome my weakness, my jealousy, sometimes I am not very good at it, sometimes doubts consume me. Doubts about what he needs or what he wants from me. And I am so vulnerable.<br /><br />I do try to improve this part of me, I try hard to be the person he's always dreamt I could be because I would do anything to make him happy. I just need 100% of him with me for succeeding.Lady Lethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04869781613724891112noreply@blogger.com0