Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Other (sad) side of the same coin

Last Friday, before Easter Holidays, C wrote an email to A (his previous partner). He said this to her:

My dear A,

thanks for the reply. It was really nice hearing from you even though you seem to be having a difficult time. I know how chaotic life can be and I am so sorry for all the bad things that we went through, especially as there were so many sweet times.

I'm glad that we experienced them, the good times that is. I'm glad the last six months were filled with the pleasures we experienced on many different levels because I think back on those now and not how awful it could have been even though the time itself was one of painful transition.

I am still filled with the experiences we had of making love for the first time and the fun games we played together, getting to know each others bodies and minds as if for the first time. I wish in a way I could relive them, but atleast they are in my mind to remind me.

I don't know why it took what it did for us to have those moments. Why we struggled to get to that point, but when we got there it was fantastic, atleast for me.

I say these things because I fear you may have forgotten how good you can feel. Not that you might have forgotten me, but that you can be yourself and have pleasure in your life. You need it and I think you deserve ideserve it also.

I have a week off school next week so finally I can get some rest. I have plenty to do, but atleast no screaming kids other than T (Angel) and no travelling.

I know that we are on opposite sides of the planet and that we are living our own lives now and influencing eachother very little but I want you to know that you are still with me. That your pain and difficulties in life cause me concern. Even if I am not there to do it physically know that I am embracing you and holding you inside me in spirit in the only way I can. In my mind I relive those moments when we made love, so often and I still feel bound to you.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Lots of love
x
C

.......

I have no idea how this email found its way to my pc at the office. Two possibilities: either he sent it by mistake or he meant to do it.

For a while I believed he sent it on purpose to me: when we met in the UK and I was still travelling around, we used to communicate by email. Once he neglected to hide from A one of those beautiful letters filled with sweet words, our expectations and our future plans. When A discoverd it, they had a tough time. Not that she didn't know what was going on between us, but she still had some hopes about building up their relationship.

It was then when she saw that email and so she knew there was not going to be another chance for them.

C said to me then: "It is a hard moment, but I find some kind of relief now, because now, she knows".

When last Friday I got this email addressed to A in my inbox, I recalled immediately his words.

Because now, I know.

That's why I thought he really meant to send a copy to me.

However, when I confronted him he swore he did not mean to send it to me. I guess it was then, some horrible joke of destiny.

And yes, now I know.

The events of the last three years stormed in front of my eyes to finally explode in thousands of distorted images.

Now I know that those six months while I was awaiting him here, looking forward to meeting again to start a new life together, him, in the UK, was making love to A and playing fun games.

Now I know how much he wants to relieve those moments when he made love to her, to the woman who gave nothing for their relationship, to the one who wrote those terrible things about him, the one who despised him so much.

I could read in between those lines how much regret was hidden in those words.

I felt that my present was falling into pieces and that in fact, I have been living in a total illusion.

I was aware of how weak we are as a couple. How this event destabilizes our (should I say "aparent"?) armony that, for other reasons, was already struggling to grow strong.

I reckon we are still learning how to live together as a couple. And that email opened brutally my eyes, showing me a C that I haven't seen before. One who bretrayed me and not only he does not regret what he has done, but he wants to relieve it.

I wish I'd never read that letter. However, there it was, with all its cruelty, making fun of me, mockering of my naivety. How could I ignore it?

I left the office at midday in a turmoil.

I had to meet my mother at hers for lunch and to collect my Angel. In a moment when all that I wanted was to dissapear from this Earth, I had to prove well my acting skills, not to show my mother the hell I was living in.

I made up an awful morning at the office just to try to justify a face contorted with anguish that I found difficult to hide.

My mother forced me to eat and a couple of hours later she let us go. There was a huge storm and I drove all my way home under the pouring rain. I couldn't stop thinking how I was going to react when I see C in the evening.

Later, I collected him at school. I asked him to drive because I was already starting to feel sick and nauseating. We arrived back home just on time to start vomiting. But that didn't help to freeing myself of that disgusting sensation that was eaten me up since early that morning. On the contrary I was feeling more and more vulnerable, more tired, exhausted and utterly sad.

Finally I managed to say to him that I didn't understand why he had sent to me that email he had addressed to A. He was shocked, he swore that he did not mean to send it, and I noticed that he was mentally looking over the text of the email. His handsome features transforming into an horror mask when he realizes what he has done.

From there to what remained of the day I lived a nightmare. He didn't want to talk, he said it was impossible to say anything. I suggested him to go back to England. I said to him that I still have some dignity and that I do not want to live with a partner who craves to relive the moments when he made love to his ex girlfriend.

I said I was giving up.

He didn't leave his room until I pushed him to go to bed.

My two oldest kids were on Easter Holidays for the week with their father so we were on our own with our Angel. When I put him to sleep I also went to bed to my son's room. I couldn't even think of the idea of sharing the bed with C.

For the next three days my eyes were so swollen and irritable after so much crying that I couldn't even wear my contacts. I don't think he notice it though.

My Angel was claiming for attention all the time but I had to ask C to feed him a bottle of some of my own saved milk because I felt uncapable of breast feeding him. For the next two days I used my savings to feed him and I discharged all the milk that I was able to pump: I didn't want to feed my baby with all that sadness and misery.

Tuesday night he forced me to go to bed with him. I couldn't stop crying in distress when he made love to me. He whispered in my ear how sorry he was and how ashamed he was. He said he loved me. But I couldn't listen. How could I ever believe him again? how could I ever trust him again?

..............

I am beginning to think that I appeared in C's life to take vengeance on A. He wanted to do some justice in that painful, ill and unfair (to him) relationship he was stucked in. I appeared then as the tool he needed for that purpose. And with it (me) he changed his destiny.

He has always said to me that he really loved that woman but he couldn't see a future with her. When he met me, he believed I was the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did he use me? Is he still using me? What for? When he writes those things, is he "playing" with both of us? What would happen if our marriage does not work? Is he nurturing hopes in A, without letting her go, so that he would always have the chance to go back to her? Is he expecting an acceptance from her? For different reasons, neither A nor I deserve his attitude.

After three years of living with me, he insists on writing these kind of things to her. He hopes another life is reserved for both of them to be together. So, if I am second in THIS life to him and I can not even pretend "another life", what is left for me then? what can I expect from him? what does he give me? what's his commitment, if there is one, that is?

I gave him some of the most important things he said that he knew it would not be possible to share with her ever: a child, a family, respect, honesty. Despite this, I am afraid that he would be happier if I dissapear. Then he would travel back to England with his son, he would travel back to A. They would probably rebuild the same miserable relationship they used to have.

.......

For a couple of days I had no strenght to leave the bed. However, my baby wanted to be fed, he needed his mum and that was the only thing that counted. I had to be there for him.

The longest and toughest Easter week I ever had was started. And still there was more to come.

4 comments:

Emily said...

Dear Lady Let

Imagine my surprise - I was just doing one last check that you had really stopped blogging before I finally stopped visiting and there are all these posts!

What a horrible time you have had, and I am so sorry, because you should be free of all these issues and enjoying your baby right now.

oldbear said...

Hi Lady, pretty much what Emily said describes my reaction.

Lo siento mucho!

Puedes obtener la cancion "derrotado Corazon" por Los Invasores de Nuevo Leon?


Es Norteno, pero las palabras son clasicos.

Big HUG of consolation to you. OldBear.

Lady Let said...

Hello Emily,

I am back full time at the office this week so is my opportunity to catch up with the blog world out there and restart posting on a more regular basis.

Yes, for several reasons, I write when I am at the office.

So, thank you again for leaving me your comments.

Thank you Oldbear too for being around and being sympathetic.

I really am not a depressed person, on the contrary, I am very positive and have a very good sense of humour about my own ups and downs.

The purpose of this blog is not to draw on self pity but to vent, to know myself better, to rediscover myself and to listen to other voices. I found this is a community and I am surprised at how many people share similar experiences, not matter the place where they come from, nor the society where they live in.

At the moment, I am working on rebuilding the confidence, my self steam that was badly harmed lately.
x

oldbear said...

HI Lady , still checking in on you, I think of you and prayfor you.

I hope you are OK, or at least feeling stronger now.