A month after

Today is a month after my last post.

It was a difficult month filled with mixed emotions.

Probably due to all the tension I was putting off, I felt very stressed, very tired, and started to experience frequent and strong contractions. This only added a lot more anxiety, as for a while, I felt my baby could be born earlier than the date he is expected. And I knew it was all due to all the misery I was passing through lately.

When I visited the doctor he said that I should rest, be relax and stop putting pressures on me (easier to say than done!), so he "forced" me to take a week off the office. I worked hard on focusing on positive things, I've been busy preparing things for the baby and tried to enjoy these last weeks of my pregnancy (as it probably will be my last pregnancy as well).

I forced myself to stop being so analitical about everything. At the moment, my baby and his health, is more important than anything else and he deserves all my attention.

Undoubtelly, there are some things that my husband and I need to work on, and I surely will insist on doing that and on improving our relationship. Some time ago he commented to a friend that "we have our tough moments but we also have a pretty healthy and strong relationship". And I am content that he sees ourselves like that because I do feel the same. However, my sensation at the moment is that this "healthy and strong relationship" is calling for attention.

Sending that long and painful letter to him was my strong decision to state very clear for him that I was very dissapointed with the last events and that I deserved to express myself, even when what I had to say was not very nice. He had no choice but to acknowledge that.

I expected some kind of reaction from him but I got no reply.

For the next couple of days, we made love, I cried, we made love, I cried again.

On the third day, I got an email from him:

"you need to know that I love you

x
C
X

it bothers me that you think I may not "

I insisted.

I said to him that I need him to talk to me. I told him that I need to know what his needs are, what he wants from me, what he wants about our relationship... he replied: "Neither of us are perfect, but I couldn't want for a better partner."

He kept on saying that he feels very frustrated, and trapped, not by me, but by being unable to meet friends and visit family, and again this painful issue of inadequacy with the place where he lives. I have always been aware of this, and I try to do my best to make his life a better one, to support him and to let him know how much I care. However, is this a valid excuse for his attitude?

There was also another issue that embarassed me a lot. I am suspicious that he asked his sister in the UK to conceal him.

The fact that his sister was in the middle made me feel ashamed. I was partly guilty of this situation: one morning I was very upset and C's nephew appeared on my Messenger. We chat very often and we get on very well. He is a very mature and clever guy and I told him, without giving too many details, that I was having a tough moment with C.

As usual, that evening, I commented to C that I had met his nephew and I also told him that I had found some comfort talking to him about how sad I was feeling. So C knew.

The morning after, his sister talked to me and assured me it was with her that C was chatting when I saw him hiding the conversation.

For several reasons I didn't believe her:

- Firstly we have a 4 hours difference with the UK. That Sunday night, it was 10ish at home, so in the UK was more than 2 am.

- C never hides his conversations with his sister.

- I know very well his sister's Messenger background and it was not the one I saw on his screen.

- A couple of days after that, we both were sitting in front of the pc, when she sent a message to C, obviuously thinking he was on his own. Her first comment was: "I believe I got you out of the shit with L", he inmediatly replied, "she is here with me now". I made no comment at all.

I talked to her and I explained that I felt very embarassed as she was in the middle and that my fault was to talk to my nephew in law about it, but the moment I did it was because I was overloaded with sadness and because for obvious reasons there's no one here I could possibly share what was happening.

She denied having lie on C's behalf, but her arguments were very weak and I am not that naive anymore. I don't blame her, she loves her brother, she wants to see him happy and settled and I also think she is honest when she says she also loves me and that she considers me her sister. She probably acted with the convincement that she was being helpful.

End of the event.

And from my point of view, the beginning of a new stage in our relationship. We need to grow as a couple, we need to work on many areas where we are still not enough comfortable with each other, where we feel insecure.

I am sure of his love and the way he feels for me. However, if he also likes to chat women up and flirt with them, I won't accept it, and I won't change my mind about this.

Some time ago, I read by chance an email that he neglected to close. He was answering a message from a friend in the UK. There he wrote: I am living a domestic bliss at the moment but it didn't stop my desire or imagination from running wild. And he also added: I am not planning on having an affair, at least not yet. How should I feel about this? No doubts at all, no reading in between the lines.... He described his feelings extremely clear. I couldn't forget a single word since then, they have been tortouring me, they wouldn't leave me, I guess this discovery was for me then extremely painful.

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Thank you so much Emily for your email, for your nice words and concerns.
I am sorry that it took me so much to post. So, please, accept my apologies.
I had my reasons for being quiet for a while. I needed to take a deep breath before writing about all this again.