Stormy relationships

C's sister, M, is not having a good time.

We are very concerned about the rest of C's family. They all live in England and C misses them immensely. Last time we've seen them was last November when they came over for our weeding and now we communicate often but not as much as we would like to.

M lives with her partner for 7 years and her 18 years-old son, who is about to leave home to live with his father in the South for 2 years as he is starting a music course.

M's partner is a succesfull rally racer and together they built, about 6 years ago, their own company that actually is M's responsibility. When they met 7 years ago, he used to be a millonaire, and M chose then to leave a so-so relationship with a very nice guy, to start a new life with a man who offered her heaven on earth and a posh life.

They agreed to have and "open" relationship.

However, during all these years, she found out repeteadly that he cheated on her many times and that he was not very honest with her. Since I know them, their relationship has been varying, from him being an arshole to being an angel and so devoted to her (according to her changing moods).

Recently, she found out more lies from his part and this made her very upset. But above all, most of the money has gone to pay his addiction to cars. So, suddenly, she finds herself in a situation hard to deal with: she has always lived under the "protection" of wealthy men who would give her anything she wants, she doesn't know how to live on her own and take her own responsibilities, she is too "lazy" to think of making such a huge change in her life style and her cards castle is falling down. Her ups and down were common, but lately her periods of depression were becoming too frecuent and she is back into taking antidepressants. Probably, once again, she will decide to swallow her anger together with the pills and continue building up their weak relation.

As anybody could guess, this is a quick brief of a complex situation and my own point of view from the outside of what I consider a very snob lifestyle. Obviously, C is worried about her sister and her near future or the decisions she may or may not take.

Last night we were discussing how to give her some support and comfort, also considering that there's an ocean between us, and the conversation led us to that thorny issue of C's previous relationships.

He explained once more that he himself was stucked in a unsatisfactory relationship because he was not strong enough as to take decisions and also because, although many important aspects of a fulfilment relationship were missing, "it was not that bad after all".

Again I had to hear that "we shared bills, we shared the house..." (isn't it that a commercial contract? I should have said), "and although, there was no intimacy nor sex, we shared some nice moments..." (oh, that was dropping a hint to me! as he knows I am a sex addict!!!)... and he finally added: "and she did not hate me, well, she hate me a little bit, yes.." (too much!!!).

Still is a mistery for me how human beings can bear this kind of relations, live in such state of resignation and condemn themselves to misery.

Some time ago, C read to me A's diary (his previous partner) and what she wrote about him. To assure himself that what he read was not a nightmare but cruel reality, he had taken pictures of the pages of that journal and kept them in his pc. He didn't want to forget what he found out there.

The night he told me about his discoveries, we were a little drunk. However, it is not possible to forget how awful everything he read to me was. Every word, every expression was charged with rudeness, with misery. Every thought was so painful, so inconsiderate, so offensive. Needless to say, it reflected what her feelings towards C were.

I could imagine how much he might have suffered when he made such discovery, and how hard it might have been for him to remain in silence, with all those bitter words beating his mind and his heart all the time.

Only some months later, after that event, he had the strenght to tell her that he had read the diary and that he knew how she felt about him.

But again, I wondered why he made such decision to go on "sharing" life with a person who despised him so much: a woman who used to spurn him all the time.

I was shockingly surprised to hear that he also wants to keep all these pages of her diary.

He said that he doesn't want to forget.

He said that he wants all this shit to accompany him for the rest of his life.

What it is even more irrational to me, is that I, myself have been living under the shadow ot this woman since C has been here. I had to deal again and again with the fact that he was constantly thinking of her, I had to bear the inmense weight in my heart every time he told me he missed her, I had to survive knowing he was saying to her all the time that he still loved her, that he still needed her.

When I asked C about how we were supposed to look forward as a couple when he was still so involved with the woman who was his previous partner, he replied consistently that I should be proud of him because he could still have positive feelings towards his former partner.

However, I can not help remembering his words when we used to chat on line. All his words when he described to me A and the ill relationship they had, are still on my mind. He suffered so much with her. He said to me how much he desired another attitude from her. How lonely he felt! I remember I cried for him.

I think by then, I was already in love with him. He seemed to me so sweet, so fragile.... and so lonely.

Could it possibly be that despite all that misery, he still "misses" her?