Dependence

Last night C went out on his own for a formal coctel party at the school where he teaches English Literature.

He got ready while I still was helping my 9 year-old son prepare homeworks for school.

Literally, I almost melted when I finally saw him walking down the stairs. He looked so elegant, so handsome in his dark suit, his beautiful hazel eyes contrasting with the dark grey shirt.

The evening on my own gave me the opportunity to organize some thoughts.

Many times C said to me how dependent he feels on me for practical, daily events.

Such an irony! He can not imagine that I am the one who is so dependent on him.

I depend on his moods, I depend on his kisses, and I depend on every little piece of the love he wills to give me, to survive, to breath.

I am giving all that I am to this man: I am giving myself to the point of feeling empty, dry. I love him so much that it hurts.

I love him as I've never loved before and my worst nightmare of all it is not the fear of loosing him, but the fear of never ever had him.

I do not want a life without C.

I wouldn't be able to survive, to breath, I wouldn't be able simply to BE if C is not with me. Simply because I will have no desire for living.

I am aware that I have to deal with the shadows of the other previous and still present women in his life. This is difficult enough for me and, although I I work hard to overcome my weakness, my jealousy, sometimes I am not very good at it, sometimes doubts consume me. Doubts about what he needs or what he wants from me. And I am so vulnerable.

I do try to improve this part of me, I try hard to be the person he's always dreamt I could be because I would do anything to make him happy. I just need 100% of him with me for succeeding.