Sex and Pregnancy

It's been a while since my last post.

Dealing with so many changes and a few difficult domestic situations kept me away from my blog for more time than I have expected.

I am still experimenting some of the fears and doubts that usually pregnant women experiment at some stage of the pregnancy period. I am still concern about the toxoplasmosis issue and I will probably be until the day I give birth. However, I started to feel better after the first trimester and little by little all those symptoms of fatigue and nausea dissapeared. I am working as usual at the office from 9 am to 6 pm and my daily routine did not change at all, with the exception that I had to give up acting for a while as I bear a noticeable tummy already.

I've been visiting the doctor monthly, doing the usual health tests and routinary scans and everything is perfect. The doctor said I am very healthy and I am a very positive person, so he asked me to watch my weight and go on with my usual activities.

Everything seems to be under control.

However, there's something that has been bothering me, making me feel miserable, moody and agressive, and this has to do with my current sex life.

I was very aware that there were going to be changes in our sex life.

I was never concerned about this in my two previous pregnancies, because sex with my previous partner (the father of my two kids) was disastrous and I did not care at all how he might had seen me. The problem was not my pregnancies but the absolutely lack of chemestry between us, our minds were never connected, needless to say our bodies were the same.

Since I met C, all that he gave me was the possibility to enjoy my sexuality, to feel free to express myself sexually and not to be ashamed about it, and above all, he was happy to share this with me. I realize how signifcant, how important his attitude has been to me, I felt that, now in my 30's, I was experimenting a sexual awakening. Due to this, now that I am pregnant, I do need to feel that I am accepted in this "new body". Also I need C to be involved emotionally. It will be his first experience as a father. I would like him to enjoy this period, it's an oportunity not to be missed.

I truly believe that open communication is the key, try to keep an honest dialogue. I do not know why I do struggle so much, why I've been finding it so difficult to talk to my husband about what I need or what I want. Maybe because I am a bit embarassed of hearing the same comment from him: "you are one track mind". Some time ago, this label used to be kind of funny and I used to feel "proud" about such stament, but lately turned to be a repetitive comment from him and eventually, caused me to withdraw. I realized that I was not asking any more, that I stopped teasing him, that I was not "playful" anymore. And that made me feel a lot of sadness, as I was hidding something that was so important to me and that I needed so much.

I do not mean that our sex life is inexistent at all. I am just stating that it changed utterly and that I am finding very hard to cope this new state of things. From being very playful and naughty, from being very sensual, we are now like noun and priest, only making love sporadically.

I know that some women report changes in their sex drive during pregnancy, from experimenting a tendency to be lower to a dramatic increase. Obviously, the second, is due to the changes in hormones that your body goes through in order to support the pregnancy, increasing the amount of progesterone in your bloodstream. I can not say this dramatic increase is my case. I prefer to think that I am a woman who enjoys sex and I am not passive about it, not really obssesed with it, but I am learning to be open and express my needs and desires and this makes me feel a lot better with myself. So even when I could be more enthusiastic than the average, I consider myself normal.

As a consequence of my husband's suddenly lack of interest, I started to have a hard time dealing with my new image: my breasts are growing, my belly is becoming roooouuuuunder, I am putting weight and feeling "sexy" or just attactive is becoming unreachable. No way, mainting a positive and confident body image is tough.

While I heard that many men find pregnant women very sexy in their new curves (my friend J, thinks that pregnancy only enhances women sexual attraction!!!) seems that it is not the same for C.

I believe I am tolerant, because I am aware that men's sex drive may also fluctuates. The problem is that I was expecting him to experiment a renewed sense of closeness with me now that I am pregnant, and as a result a more fulfilling sex. On the other hand, he lost his desire and motivation for sex... with me.

C is a very sensual being. I am aware that this huge change is exclusively with reference to his attitude towards me. His usual habit of looking for porn in the internet haven't changed at all, and I guess nor his usual masturbation. This activitty was something that we used to enjoy together, and it did work very well to enhance our intimacy or just for fun. At the moment we are not sharing this anymore but he is doing it daily on his own.

This fact is also affecting me immensily as all that I can see is that in his mind there's only place for his fantasies and for all those beautiful women on the screen, while I am only feeling more and more ackward in my new shape.

He doesn't seem to notice my misery, but again, I don't have the strenght or the confidence to talk to him about it, which in a way, makes the whole situation a lot sadder.

So many doubts...

Is he having troubles to reconcile my identity as a sexual partner with my new (and increasingly visible I should say) identity as an expectant mother?

Is he anxious about the burdens of parenthood?

Is he afraid?

Is he indifferent?

Where has all the passion gone?